


Light

by Qbbie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-18
Updated: 2014-12-12
Packaged: 2018-02-13 15:49:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 34
Words: 73,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2156280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qbbie/pseuds/Qbbie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zara was a young and abused woman and her only escape was watching Supernatural. One night, her husband does the unthinkable and Supernatural is her only escape again except not in the same way. Stuck in the world of her favorite TV show, Zara tries to help out the Winchesters. She may know more about their future, but can they help her forget her past? (set end season 6)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

A/N This is my first FanFic EVER so please be kind. I'll probable update once a week up to what I have written so far and see if there's any interest before writing any more so if you like it, please let me know. Also, trigger alert: mentions of abuse, violence, death ect. Basically, the usual Supernatural stuff. This goes for anything in the future as well so I'm not going to say it again.

Chapter 1

Zara knew it was going to be a hard night as soon as her husband walked in drunk and angry. If he had been drinking, he was the meanest person she knew. By the time he had fallen into a drunken coma on the couch, she had accumulated a black eye, a split lip, maybe a sprained wrist?, and various bruises all over the rest of her body. He would come home almost every night like this and she had always done "something" wrong to set him off. Bruises had been laid over more bruises and Zara was sure one of her ribs had been broken somewhere along the way. It had been getting worse as Sean's work had been getting harder. He had been threatened with getting laid off and tonight it had finally happened. He was so angry he seemed to have tried to drink the entirety of his last paycheck.

Zara took refuge in their room and turned on her favorite show, Supernatural, to calm down while she tried to patch up some of the scratches on her arms and torso. Sean never wanted to see the "fruits of his labor". It would only start another argument that would end badly for her.

Sam and Dean's voices filtered in the background as she looked herself over in the mirror. Two haunted looking gold eyes stared back at her, the right eye now rimmed with purple bruises. Her eyes were her favorite feature and it saddened her that they would be marred for a while. What would be the excuse this time? "Bee stung me while I was smelling daffodils? Poked my eye with a spyglass 'cause I was pretending to be a pirate?" It didn't matter what it was. Whatever bogus excuse she gave would be enough. No one ever dared to ask if her husband beat her. No one wanted to open that can of worms. At least her darker complexion hid some of the bruises if not all of them. If she was completely white, the bruises would be even more noticeable.

She pinned up her long black hair and decided she'd finally watch the finale she had been saving for a rainy day. It was definitely, as least figuratively, pouring. She snuggled under the covers of the king bed and decided to spread out. Sean was in no condition to move by himself right now and she certainly wasn't helping him. "Carry on Wayward Son" blasted through her laptop's speakers and Zara suddenly forgot all her troubles in the happiness all Supernatural fans feel hearing that song after 9 seasons. She belted out the lyrics with all her heart not caring who heard her.

"Carry on my wayward son.  
There'll be peace when you are done.  
Lay your weary head to rest.  
Don't you cry no more."

As the episode went on, Zara could feel herself relax and her injuries throbbed a little less, that is, until the last ten minutes of the finale. The unthinkable happened and then it just... ended.

Zara just sat dumbfounded with her mouth wide open and her eyes blinking rapidly. Suddenly she snapped out of it and jumped up. "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!" It seemed to be the only comprehensible thing she could get out of her mouth. She started pacing around the room. "THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING! No no NO!" This was just not her day. First Sean and then THIS had to happen. And she had to wait until October for the next season!

Zara needed to breathe, yell, do SOMETHING so she decided to go on a walk. It was a late summer night so she just decided to go out in her shorts and a t-shirt. Someone might see her bruises but it was around 3am so no one should be out.

She walked out of her apartment and started down the street toward the city park. Where she lived wasn't that crime ridden so she wasn't afraid to let her mind wander as she walked in the nice summer air.  
She thought back to the day she married Sean three years ago. She was 23- just out of college and too naive to notice she was marrying a jerk. She was so happy then. That was before she became Sean's personal punching bag. The first time she just thought it was a mistake. He apologized so sincerely she believed him. Then it was every other week, then every couple days, then every night. Gone were the days of apologies. It was always her fault. Now she tiptoed around him constantly, praying he wouldn't notice her in her own home.  
She knew what he was doing was wrong but she couldn't seem to get out of the bad situation. She always hoped that one day she would wake up and the kind man she married would be smiling next to her. Maybe he would change. Maybe it was all a bad dream. Sadly she knew it wasn't likely, but she could hope couldn't she?

As she made it to the park she went to her favorite spot near the cemetery. There was an old oak with a bench underneath that overlooked all of the gravestones. She sat on the cold stone bench and looked over the headstones at the stars. It had an eerie quality that Zara quite liked for some reason. Her brother, Brennon, was buried in one of the plots nearby and she always felt he was watching over her when she sat there. Before he left for Afghanistan, they did everything together. He was her idol. As children, he would convince her to go out late and catch lightning bugs. He would call her his little lightning bug because he said her eyes simply glowed when they caught them. He was always good at getting her to do things. He was the one who got her into watching Supernatural back when she was 17 with season 1. She kept watching after he left and, when she could talk to him, their conversations always included some comment on a new plot development. She was just devastated when she got the call that he would not be coming home.

"You wouldn't like how this season ended up Brennon. I can't even talk about it..." He would have gone off on a rant about how the writers loved angry fan mail. She sighed, her heart weighing heavily. He always knew what to say. She wished he had met Sean before he had died. Maybe he would have recognized the situation she was walking into or at least gotten her out of this. He would have known what to do. "I wish you were here."  
The wind picked up and Zara imagined a whisper floating by "Oh lightning bug, you know what to do." She knew it wasn't real but she liked to imagine it was him, if only for a moment.

And it was only a moment before her quiet moment was shattered by the sound of a twig breaking behind her. She could smell the alcohol coming off of him in waves and she let out a small shaky breath before turning and looking at her husband.

"I knew you'd be here." he slurred. Zara honestly had no idea how he managed to be upright let alone walk the five blocks to the park. "Talking to your dead brother. You're always talking to him. When are you going to get it through your thick head that he's dead. He's not coming back!" He leered and came closer to her. "Or are you trying to run away from me? Are you running from me RaRa? You don't love me anymore?" He roared. Something Zara had never seen glinted in his eyes. Was that black? No. She was imagining it.

She tried to make a placating gesture and back away from him but he grabbed her and slapped her. Hard. She started tearing up. "No no. I just needed some fresh air. It was nothing." He was having none of it. He was just getting angrier and angrier. Zara knew she couldn't do anything when he was this mad.

"No. You're running away. I lose my job and you don't love me any more. You only wanted my money you filthy gold digger!" Suddenly he had a gun in his hands, she didn't know where he got it but now it was pointed at her.  
All the blood drained from her face. He wouldn't. He couldn't. "No please..." She heard the gun go off and she let out a bloodcurdling scream but, suddenly, there was nothing. No pain. No Sean. No gunshot wound. She was still in the cemetery on the ground next to the bench, tears streaming down her face. It was bitter cold and there was snow on the ground. What in the world?

She could hear voices in the cemetery. "Who screamed?" "I don't know. I thought we were done here… I think it came from over there" Zara scrambled behind the bench before they could see her, but when she saw who they were she stood straight up. What is going on?

"Jared? Jensen?" She half whispered. They came closer.

"What did you say?" Jared asked. "Are you okay?"

It might have been the fact that she has just almost been shot or that the actors from her favorite show were standing in front of her or that it was way too early in the morning but Zara felt her vision flicker and her knees give out. She heard someone curse and then broad arms caught her. She felt herself being carried out of the park and she caught a glimpse of the dawn sun. She almost could hear "It was the best I could do lightning bug" as she completely blacked out.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N I really hope you enjoy it! Please follow/favorite/review to let me know how you like it! It makes me really happy :)

Chapter 2

It had been a regular salt and burn. No muss. No fuss. The ghost didn't put up much of a fight. It had honestly been one of the easiest jobs they had had in years. Dean kept expecting a trap or some sort of glitch but everything went as smoothly as it could have. They had just burned the bones and were just about to leave in the Impala when they heard the scream across the cemetery.

"Who screamed?" Dean asked.

"I don't know. I thought we were done here." Sam said as he looked for the source. He pointed at a large oak on the other side of the cemetery. "I think it came from over there." The brothers sprinted toward the sound ready for a fight. Maybe this was the trick they had been expecting all this time.

What they found was definitely not what they anticipated- a bruised and battered woman cowering behind a bench. Sam couldn't help but notice that under all the bruises, though, she was a very beautiful woman- dark skin, long black braided hair, and the most mesmerizing golden eyes he had ever seen. He then noticed she was wearing shorts and a t-shirt for goodness sakes! Didn't she know it was winter? She was shivering uncontrollably and hyperventilating. But all of that was not as surprising as what she said, "Jared? Jensen?" She seemed to recognize them.

"What did you say?" Who were Jared and Jensen? "Are you okay?" She promptly fainted and Sam rushed to catch her. "What should we do with her Dean?" Sam asked hefting her up into his arms.

"Well we can't leave her out here. She'll freeze to death. We should take her to the motel and see if we can patch her up a bit. Did you hear her call you Jared?"

"Yeah I think she did." They headed towards the Impala.

"Wasn't that your name in that freaky ass alternate reality?"

"Where I was married to fake Ruby? I think so. What was my last name? Padalerkey? Pedojerky? I don't know."

"Wherever she's from, she's been through hell." Dean opened the door of the Impala so Sam could place her in the back before getting in himself. He cranked the heat up as far as it would go. It was really nippy out there.

"Did you hear that?" Sam asked once he got in.

"No. Hear what?" They started toward the motel.

"I could've sworn I heard someone say something about lightning bugs."

Dean gave Sam an odd look. "Are you okay? You didn't hit your head or something?"

Sam sighed. "Never mind."

Zara woke up in a daze on a strange bed. What happened last night? She couldn't remember anything. Now she was in what looked like a motel room. Obviously it was a dive motel of sorts- peeling paint, the smell of smokes, and beer stains on the cheap carpet. Clothes were strewn on the floor- men's clothes?! She started to hyperventilate. Ever since Sean started beating her, she had been wary of all men. Sean never wore flannel shirts like she saw on the floor so where was she? Was she kidnapped? She couldn't for the life of her remember what happened the night before and now she was in some strange man's motel room?

The door started to open and she jumped off the bed and cowered in the corner of the room between the bed and the wall making herself as small as she could in a futile attempt to go unnoticed. The man entered the room and she half recognized him. He was a giant of a man with longish brown hair and kind eyes. Zara didn't trust kind eyes anymore. Sean had kind eyes once. He stepped towards her when he saw she was up but stopped when she let out a whimper. "Please… don't touch me… Please."

He gave her a curious look before sitting on the bed farther from her. "Hey. Uh-"

A wave of recognition washed over her. How could she forget who he was? He was Jared freaking Padalecki. The moose! She stood up from the corner and sat on the bed across from him. "You're Jared Padalecki yeah?"

"Uhm-" he started again but the door opened again revealing the other half of the dynamic duo.

"She's awake? Good." Jensen gave a small smile as he set what looked like McDonald's breakfast on the coffee table and sat on the couch, digging into his McBiscuit, or whatever it was.

Zara sniffed appreciatively as the smell wafted towards her and then looked at Jared curiously. Why in the world was she in a dive motel with two of her favorite actors of all time? "Why are you in Indiana? Aren't you supposed to be in Vancouver filming the next season?"

The men shared a glance. Jensen spoke, "Uhm- Vancouver? Why would we be in Vancouver?"

As if. They must be joking. Seriously the next season comes out in like two months and they really weren't even getting ready for it? Maybe they just look like J2? Really, REALLY like J2? Some coincidence. Zara backed up a bit. "You're not Jensen and Jared? Co-stars of Supernatural?"

There was a long pause during which it seemed the two were having a conversation with just their eyes- just like they did in their show. They must be really close off screen too. Jared spoke up slowly. "No… we're Sam and Dean Winchester."

Zara's eyes narrowed. She was so not in the mood for this, "If you're playing a trick on me. Am I on candid camera?…"

Dean piped up, "We've never even been to Vancouver."

What if? No. That couldn't happen. Could it? Stranger things have happened. Zara put her head into her hands unwilling to accept this simple… not so simple truth. No. They weren't her favorite actors. They were actually Sam and Dean Winchester. She was officially in another world… or completely and utterly insane. "Crap. I am SO screwed."

"So you know who we are?" Sam asked inquisitively.

Zara puffed up her cheeks and let the breath out in a whoosh. "If this isn't a crazy hallucination or something, yes… I guess… … It's a little complicated."

"Complicated how?" Dean asked with his mouth full. He finally put down the rest of his breakfast- the Mc-something-or-other.

"You remember the French Mistake?" All she got was blank stares. "Right. Um… When Balthazar sent you to a different reality where Dean and Sam were TV characters?"

Recognition crossed Sam's face. "Yeah that was a couple months back. You're saying you're from there?"

"Exactly. Well… mostly Misha, er, Cas isn't dead there but- wait you said a couple months ago?" Zara's eyes widened as the information sunk in. "That was what? Three seasons ago? Who are you fighting right now? And Cas is going to…" She would have rambled on but her voice literally failed her. Her throat closed up and she couldn't say anything. She coughed and her throat was fine again. "Cas is…" It happened again.

"Are you okay?" Sam asked worriedly.

"Yeah." Cough. "Yeah I'm fine… apparently someone doesn't want me to tell any spoilers. That stinks." She huffed.

Dean stood up and started pacing. "Never mind that." She rolled her eyes. It might not be a problem for him but it was for her."So you're from another dimension where this is a TV show. No problem. We've done that before, but did you say you're ahead of us too? By how much? And how are you so okay with this?"

Zara looked at Dean sadly. "Three years give or take. I'm so sorry Dean…" her throat closed up again. Cough. She was getting tired of this "no spoiler" business fast. She had just watched the finale for goodness sakes! "Really? Well I can't tell you… You two have a rough road ahead of you." She looked at the floor sadly thinking about all of the trouble the boys have been through in just the past year not to mention the previous ones or the next few. How could they live with so much?

Both of them looked at each other sadly. "Rough is what we do I guess." Sam said gently.

Dean leaned against the door and looked up. "We're talking about all this and we don't even know your name and why are you all beat up? Why were you in that cemetery screaming? How did you get here?"

"My name is Zara and oh-" She clutched her head as she remembered the events of the other night. She hadn't had time to process everything before but now it was all coming back to her- the beating, Sean, the gunshot. It was so awful. Had it really happened? Did he really shoot me? She started hyperventilating and crying again.

"Zara? Zara? Are you okay?" Sam touched her shoulder but she jerked back.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" He put his hand down quickly and she tried to slow her breathing. She had had a hard time disassociating touch with pain for so long. "Please… just… don't touch me."

"It's fine. We won't touch you." Sam said soothingly.

She let out a shaky breath, tears streaming down her face. "My husband beats me... Every night." She had never told anyone that before and she just told two men she had just barely met. There had to be something wrong with that. Maybe it was because she was in another dimension, or just away from her tormentor, or the fact that she was probably technically dead, but she didn't really care. It felt good to have told someone.

Sam clenched his jaw and Dean made his hands into fists and started lightly pounding the door behind him. It comforted her that they were so obviously not okay with that statement. "You're so young. You can't have been married for what? A few years?" She nodded. " What… Why?"

The broken look on her face said it all. "I don't know. Maybe it was his job. Maybe I wasn't good enough for him. Maybe I did something wrong. I don't know…" She trailed off.

"NO. That doesn't give him the right to beat you." Sam interjected. He tried to change the subject since this line of thinking was obviously not helping. "Why were you screaming in the cemetery?" probably not his best choice in new subjects.

Zara laid back on the bed and covered her face. "Sean lost his job last night. He drank more than he ever has and beat me pretty badly." Both of them looked like they wanted to punch something. "He fell asleep on the couch so I decided to watch the season finale of your show to… to forget." She looked uncomfortably at both of them. "Needless to say, the ending was…. upsetting and with both of those combined, I needed a walk to calm down. So I went to the cemetery but Sean must have followed me. He came up behind me and accused me of running away from him because he lost his job. He uh… he shot me." She recited her tale and closed her eyes tight, crossing her arms over her face. She was trying to block out the emotions connected with that particular event but she knew it wasn't something she would ever forget. It played over and over in her mind.

"What?" Sam stood up looking like he wanted to fight something.

"Then I found myself here." Zara suddenly stood up. She didn't want to talk about it anymore. "I'm going to take a shower. Could you show me where the First Aid kit is? I should clean up some of these scratches. I trust you've already tested me… the whole shebang."

The boys looked stunned at the sudden change in topic but Sam graciously grabbed the kit. "Uh… yeah. You're good- not a demon, shifter, or any other monster that we know of. Do you want me to help you stitch-"

"-NO. I can do it myself." She said firmly taking the kit and heading to the bathroom.

Dean looked over at Sam. "Well this could get quite interesting."

"That's an understatement to say the least." Sam sighed. "Do you believe her?"

Dean shrugged. "It's just as weird as everything else in our life. Why not add another thing? Besides, she says she knows what's gonna happen in the next few years. I'd say that's a powerful asset as long as we can get past the whole *cough cough* spoilers thing that she seems to have."

Sam nodded, accepting what his older brother said without question. "She's gonna need some winter clothes if she's staying here."

Dean nodded and headed for the door. "I'll see what I can do."


	3. Chapter 3

A/N Hey guys! Here's chapter 3. I promise it will pick up a bit. I need to get some groundwork set up first. We will be starting in to Season 6 Episode 20 "The Man Who Would Be King" next chapter I think. I will try to follow the story line as much as possible but I will be skipping episodes as I see fit (like most of ep 21 with Ben and Lisa. It just didn't fit in.) If you specifically want me to write a certain ep or even a oneshot hunt sort of deal, let me know and I will try to put it in. No promises on how soon though. I gotta get through the finale first. Anywho... please leave kudos or reviews. It makes me really happy. :) Sorry these notes are really long... now to the story...

Chapter 3

Zara hopped into the shower after she heard Dean was getting her clothes. How nice of him. She didn't mean to eavesdrop but she had an acute sense of hearing and Dean wasn't very good at talking quietly enough not to hear through the thin motel walls. The shower was probably one of the best things Zara had felt in a long time. The gentle stream soothed her aching muscles and throbbing bruises. She could never quite relax at her old apartment but here she could take as long as she wanted and not get yelled at for upping the water bill.

It amazed her how easily she was taking this whole "other dimension" thing. She had never really thought things could happen that way but she never completely discounted it either. In recent months, she dreamed of something like this happening to her- something that would just whisk her away from the harsh reality of abuse and rejection. Maybe she was accepting this all too easily. Maybe she really was dead and this was her heaven or something. She pushed those thoughts away. This could be nothing but reality. The bruises were real. She was real. Sam and Dean were real. Maybe?

She stopped the shower before she could think of anything more depressing or confusing. Why must she think of the most complicated things in the shower of all places? After toweling off, she set to work patching up some of her scratches including a new one she found on her arm- presumably where Dean made sure she wasn't a monster. It didn't look like she needed any stitches but she looked like a human mummy with the various bandages all over her body. She put her t-shirt and shorts back on but they were just much too cold for the winter chill that she could feel even inside due to crappy motel insulation. Dean would probably not be back for a while and she just couldn't get warm. Maybe she could borrow some socks from Sam or something.

Zara walked out to see Sam sitting on the far bed on his laptop. "Of course you would be researching. Do you ever stop?" Sam gave her an odd look. "Sorry. That was probably creepy. You barely know me and yet I feel like I've known you forever."

Sam shook his head. "Nah- I mean yeah, it's weird but it's not the weirdest thing that has happened to us. I've learned to take it all in stride. You aren't nearly as creepy as Becky was."

Zara's eyes widened as she remembered the infamous Becky Rosen- more than an extreme fan. She tried to smother giggle when she remembered the episode when she hexed Sam into getting married to her. The look of disgust when he had said her name made her giggle even more and she couldn't contain it. She laughed outright and when she saw he didn't have any idea why, she laughed so hard her sides started hurting. She sat down on the bed and sighed. She hadn't laughed that hard in a long time.

Sam was still looking at her like she was a demon with two heads. "What in the world is so funny about crazy insane Becky? What do I not know?"

Zara contained herself long enough to say, "You and-" *cough cough cough* "ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? That wasn't even an important spoiler!"

"What?"

"Every time I try to say something that's going to happen, my throat closes up and I can't say anything." Zara pounded the bed in frustration and Sam furrowed his brow- thinking.

"Maybe we could experiment?"

Zara smiled. "Yeah sure… you wouldn't mind if I borrowed some socks though? It's freezing!"

Sam smiled and went to get her a pair of his socks. He took another glance at her summer clothes and grabbed a hoodie and sweatpants for her too. She smiled at him gratefully and put the clothes on over hers. She then grabbed the blanket off "her" bed and sat down on the motel couch. Sam sat in the chair next to it and began to think out loud. "So your throat closes up every time you try to tell us something that happens in the future. Right?" She nodded. "I wonder if it's everything in the future or just major events or if you could say things in the near future." She shrugged so he went on. "We'll have to see how direct or vague you have to be in telling it too. Hmmm… what's something major that's going to happen in the next year or so?"

Zara covered her face with her hands for a second- thinking. "I'm not that good with chronology. That was three years ago for me. Uhm… why don't you give me a bit of background real quick? Who are the major players you've been fighting against recently? What has happened in the last few months? What are the states of yours and Dean's souls?"

"Our souls?" Sam asked indignantly.

Zara rolled her eyes. "Yeah your souls. It's a valid question. You were soulless at one point… judging the fact that I could say that without coughing, that already happened. And judging by your face… that was recently?" She bit her lip. She probably shouldn't have brought that up. It seemed like it was still a touchy subject for him.

"Got it back a few months before the… French Mistake." Sam shifted and looked away towards the window. "After we ended the Apocalypse and I fell into the pit with Lucifer, Dean went off to live with Lisa and Ben… Ringing any bells?"

"Yeah, yeah. That was… season 5 finale and the first episode of season 6." Zara grinned for remembering.

Sam quirked his eyebrow. "I will never get used to our lives being a TV show."

"Sorry." Zara looked down embarrassed. It was one thing to watch a TV show. It was another thing to live it. And to think that she enjoyed seeing all the pain these two poor brothers went through. It was like she was in a real life Hunger Games- they were the tributes and she was the Panem citizen.

"It's okay I guess. Anyways, I got brought back soulless, which I don't really want to talk about, I worked with some hunters tracking down alphas for Crowley and Dean ended up joining us a bit later. You still tracking with me?" Zara nodded. "Dean tried to get Crowley to give me my soul back but he couldn't so Cas tried to kill him. He failed obviously. We just killed Eve a few days ago. "

*COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH* Zara remembered now where she was in the timeline. The boys were about to find out the Cas was working with Crowley. Cas was about to have a God complex and Sam...

He quirked his eyebrow again. "You're saying she's not dead?"

"No. She's definitely dead. It's…" Zara trailed off feeling another coughing fit coming on. Then she had an idea. "Do you know the sign language alphabet?"

Sam grinned. "Actually, yeah I do. Could you try telling me that way?"

She signed, "Cas is with Crowley."

"Zara?"

"Was I too fast?"

"You didn't do anything, Zara. You froze." Sam said. "You didn't move a muscle.

"But I did!" She shot back. "I signed the whole thing!"

"Well apparently I'm not allowed to see it." Sam sighed. "Why don't you tell me something vague?"

"Ummm… Cas is in over his head. He's going down a wrong path… really wrong. He's going to-*cough* Figures. That would definitely be a spoiler." Zara huffed. Maybe he could figure something out with just that.

"So he IS working with Crowley! Dean keeps on denying it! I knew it!"

"Yeah. He's in way too far and he's gonna have a hard time getting out of it."

"What is he going to do?" Zara shook her head. There was no way she would be able to say that. "Maybe you could try writing?" Sam was letting his inner scientist out. Sadly, the writing worked just as well as the motions. Whatever she wrote could only be seen by her. They even went and asked the lady at the motel desk to try and read it to them. She only handed the paper pack and said there was nothing there.

"All I can probably say is that you especially need to stay away from him." Zara warned- thinking about how he was going to knock down Sam's wall and he was on the verge of going insane.

"Cas is going to do something to me?" Sam asked incredulously.

"You know how he is. He's all- bad actions with good intentions."

"At least you could tell us that much without coughing. That is valuable if not vague information."

Zara nodded tiredly. She had had a trying day. "And we don't know why I have this problem or who is causing it. It has to be someone. Who would care if I told the future? Fortune tellers do all the time."

Sam sighed. "God? Satan? Angels? Demons?"

"Leviathans?" Zara joked.

"Leviathans? What are Leviathans?" Sam asked.

"They are the nastiest things in Purgatory and you'll be dealing with them in a couple months." Zara half smiled that she could say that.

"Well at least well have you to tell us hints on the way." Sam smiled and Zara noticed his kind eyes again- kind eyes that she actually believed in instead of Sean's false ones. These boys may have not known her very well but she knew them and she knew that, once she had their trust, they would never hurt her.

Dean came in a little while later with their purchases to see Zara dozing on the couch and Sam on his laptop. "Anything interesting happen while I was gone?"

Sam looked up. "Actually, yeah. We experimented with whatever spoiler problem she's been having and, while it's not ideal, we can find things out in a roundabout way."

"Did you find out anything important?" Dean asked as he put the bags down on the bed and grabbed a beer.

"Cas IS working with Crowley."

Dean bristled at another jab at his angelic friend. He couldn't believe that the angel could be working with the King of Hell. "Cas is just busy cleaning up Heaven. We don't know for sure and I'd rather take the word of the angel that got me out of hell before some random stranger. How can we know she's telling the truth? I mean, maybe she was planted by Crowley to cause division. Humans have been known to work with demons before. She could be playing us."

"Ask me something. Something you don't think I would know." Zara challenged. It was a gamble- she didn't know everything- but she had watched 9 seasons.

Dean jumped. He hadn't noticed Zara wake up as he said that. He felt kinda bad for doubting her if front of her, but not that bad. "Lemme think."

While Dean was thinking, Sam asked. "When does the show start off?"

Zara smiled. She knew that episode well. "When Dean picks you up from Stanford. He breaks into your apartment in the middle of the night and wakes you and Jessica up. He tells you that your father has been on a hunting trip and hasn't been home in a few days. Well, after commenting on the skimpy smurf pajamas Jessica was wearing. You leave but tell Dean you have to be back in a few days for your Law School interview. You listen to a voicemail from your dad that has a message from a weeping woman on it saying 'I can never go home'. Your dad is not there but you kill the ghost and when you get home, Jessica is… on the ceiling. I don't really want to describe it. Was that enough detail for you?" Sam looked baffled but Dean still didn't look convinced.

"A demon could have gotten all that information and fed it to you. Can you give us more proof?" He said skeptically.

Zara rolled her eyes but wasn't that surprised. She knew she would have to jump through a few hoops to get him to believe him. She finally thought of a little tidbit that would work perfectly and she smiled devilishly. This was going to be fun. "Fine Dean. I'll use your own proof against you. When Zachariah sent you into the future with all the Croatoan zombies, you met your double." Dean's face deadpanned. He knew exactly where she was going and he couldn't stop it. She grinned even more. "When he asked you to prove you were real, you said you once wore a pair of your girlfriend's underwear." She waggled her eyebrows and both brothers' eyes widened. This was way too much fun. "They were pink… and satiny… and you kinda liked it."

Sam laughed out loud while Dean yelled, "That was a secret that should have stayed secret!"

Zara smiled sweetly. She had them. "I'm sorry Dean. You forced me into it!"

Sam crowed. "You did what, Dean?! You LIKED wearing GIRLS. PINK. SATINY. UNDERWEAR." He emphasized every word. "Thank you so much Zara! I now have blackmail." Dean lunged at Sam but he darted away laughing even more.

She smirked. "There's more where that came from, on both of you."

Sam's face fell. "What do you have on me?"

"All in due time, Moose." She winked.

After she had sufficiently convinced the Winchesters she was, in fact, telling the truth about her origin (Dean still didn't believe her about Cas), she changed into the clothes Dean had bought for her. She was pleasantly surprised to find that Dean had a moderately good taste in clothes other than the giant winter coat he had gotten her. It was two sizes too big and was an awful shade of yellow with fur trim around the hood- DEFINITELY not her style. Everything else was sensible sweaters, shirts, jackets, pants, and boots. Dean had apparently gone all out. She took her time trying on the rest of the clothes- enjoying the feeling of thinking for herself instead of wondering if Sean would like her a little more wearing it. She decided on a cute purple top, skinny jeans, and the boots. As an after thought, she put the giant coat on as well and headed out of the bathroom.

Dean and Sam were watching something on the TV when she opened the door and strolled out, smothered in the massive coat. Sam choked on his beer as soon as he saw her sporting the ridiculous garment. Zara put on an extra sweet smile and a cheerleader voice. "I really like everything you got Dean, especially this coat. It's my favorite. The fur trim is just soooooo in this year."

Dean smirked. "I just knew you would like it. It goes with your eyes. Now whenever you wear it out, you can think of me."

"You cannot expect Zara to go out like that can you?" Sam asked incredulously.

Dean acted hurt. "Why wouldn't she want to go out in that?"

Zara laughed- back to her normal voice. "Seriously, Dean, thank you so much for the clothes. You didn't have to do that and I really appreciate it but I CAN'T go out in this hideous thing." She took it off and flung it on the bed.

Dean sighed apologetically. "It was all they had at the store. It's either that or freeze until we get back to Bobby's." Zara groaned.

"Hold on a sec." Sam said. "I think I have an extra jacket of mine that you could wear. It might be big but it's much less conspicuous." He headed out to the Impala.

"Looks like I'll be swimming in fabric either way. Gigantor's coat isn't going to be much better. I'm too small." Zara sighed and Dean chuckled in response. Sam came back in and she tried it on. It was way too big (going down to mid thigh and sleeves past her fingertips) but she enjoyed the woodsy smell it had to it. "So now what?" She asked as she folded the coat with her other clothes into the bag Dean had given her.

"Now we confront Cas." Sam stated resolutely.

"I'm not sure that's such a great idea…" Zara reasoned thinking of all the instances the boys have risked their lives with dire consequences, this one especially. Cas was dangerous when he was keeping secrets and she knew the lengths he would go to keep them, even if he knew it would help his favorite brothers. Neither brother even acknowledged her.

"But he's innocent!" Dean protested.

"Dean, admit it. Even without Zara's confirmation the Cas is on the wrong path, we have plenty of evidence proving it."

"Why don't we talk to Bobby about it? I got a call while I was out and he said he had a demon that might have a lead on Crowley. We can ask the demon about Cas too. Does that sound alright?" Dean was not about to give this up.

"Fine. Bobby isn't that far away. We can leave now."

They all packed up and were out of the little town Zara had called home within an hour. Zara couldn't find it in herself to feel sad about leaving. That town had been the home to her tormentor. It held nothing for her now and she was on a much different path now. The only regret she had was leaving her brother in the in the little park cemetery next to the big oak.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N Hope y'all enjoy this chapter! Things pick up next chapter. Promise. Please review and leave kudos! It makes me happy :) Thank you to those who have already done so. Without further ado, the story...

Chapter 4

They got to Bobby's in a matter of hours and Zara smiled when she saw the sign for Singer Salvage Yard. She couldn't believe she could actually see the place in person. It was like Sam and Dean's home since they only ever stayed in motels other than here. Everything was exactly the same down to the junk cars and the lazy dog. The house itself was a bit rundown but she could tell it was well loved and well used. They all hopped out of the Impala and dashed to the house to get out of the freezing cold. They walked right in and found Bobby drinking a beer in the kitchen. The rest of the house was just like the outside. Messy and haphazard in places but there was a definite organization that may have been unrecognizable to a stranger but complete order to the resident.

"It's good to see you boys. The demon is-" He noticed Zara as she stepped from behind Sam's large frame and said gruffly, "Who's this?"

"Bobby, this is Zara. We just met her." Sam introduced. Zara cringed. That was probably not the best way to get Bobby to trust her.

"You're picking up strays at a time like this? What does she know? Is she a hunter? Can we trust her? We don't have time for this!" Bobby ranted.

Zara knew she'd have to fix this soon before Bobby tossed her into the street. "Bobby, I agree we don't have the time for this right now." Bobby nodded, glad to hear someone was being rational. "You're on the edge of something big and I will try not to get in the way. The whole story on how I got here is too long. Suffice it to say, the boys have already tested me and obviously trust me enough to take me here."

Bobby nodded- satisfied after the boys confirmed her statement. He offered all of them a beer and then motioned them into the living room where the demon was being kept. There was a large, intricate drawing that Zara recognized to be a devils trap painted on the ceiling. Underneath, in the middle of the room was a man chained to a chair. He has scruffy red hair and a leering, self confident look about him that many demons seemed to have. His eyes flashed black for a second when he saw them walk into the room.

"Ah, I see you brought Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber with you now. And who is this?" He nodded at Zara. "She doesn't belong in this world. I can tell." Zara rolled here eyes. She couldn't believe demons actually talked like this.

"Where's Crowley?" Dean growled.

"Newsflash buckos, the King is dead." The demon stated boredly.

Bobby stood in front of him. "We know Crowley is alive. Now, you're gonna tell us where he is and we're gonna have a nice little chat with your boss."

"Bite me." the demon spat with as much malice as he could muster.

"Fine." Bobby punched him square in the jaw. He clearly had some pent up anger. "We can do this the hard way."

The sound of flesh hitting flesh threw Zara back into memories she didn't want to think about. Visions of herself cowering in a corner as Sean loomed over her played over and over in her mind. Smack. Smack. Smack. She could hear it in her memories and in real time. "Where is he?" Bobby asked just as Sean had when he thought she was cheating on him. Smack. "Where is he?" Zara's head ached and her old bruises throbbed just as if she had just been beaten herself. She couldn't take it. She had to get out of there.

Zara found that she had backed all the way back into the kitchen in an unconscious effort to get away from the horrible sound. Sam looked back at her and recognized the fear in her eyes. He nudged Dean and gave his brother a look that seemed to carry a whole conversation in a moment. Dean glanced over at her and his eyes widened- recognizing what she was going through. He walked over to her.

"You okay Zara?" he asked concerned.

"Y-yeah…" Smack. She cringed involuntarily. "Yeah. I'm fine. I just… can I go upstairs? I'm kinda tired." She knew it wasn't convincing at all and he didn't believe a word she said but was grateful he just nodded.

"Sure. I'll take you to the guest room." Dean smiled easily and led her upstairs. It boggled her mind that he could be so calm and collected when there was a man being tortured in the other room. She guessed that after all that time that Dean spent in Hell, those sorts of things didn't faze him anymore. He was calloused to it- the exact opposite to how she felt. "Do you need anything else?" Dean asked, breaking her out of her reverie. "I was going to go out and grab us some food."

"Uh, no thanks Dean. I'll be fine." She sat down on the bed with a sigh. She closed her eyes- trying to block out the memories. It didn't help. When she opened her eyes, Dean was still at the door giving her a questioning glance.

"Can I ask you something?" Dean hesitated. It seemed like he didn't mean to actually say that out loud. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to." He quickly amended.

"Sure." Zara took a deep breath. She had a good feeling what he was going to say.

"You say you watched our lives to forget your abuse, yet there's so much violence. How could something like that really help you?"

"It's different when it's on TV; you know it's not real. But, the show, it's more than violence. It isn't just about two boys fighting monsters. It's about the journey, your relationship, how much you go through and still can be so close. Granted there are times when you absolutely hate each other but in the end you will always stay loyal to your family and that's what's so alluring about the show. You would die for each other without a second thought. People wish they had relationships that meant that much in their own lives. They crave it. For the little time that they watch the show, they can feel like they could have a relationship like that. It's the kind of relationship that I once had with my brother." She whispered the last part.

Dean looked a bit taken aback. He didn't quite know what to say. He didn't know that the life he lived every day could make such a difference in someone else's life. "You had a brother?" Out of all that, it was the only thing he could think of to comment on.

"Yeah." Zara pulled her knees up and rested her chin on them. "I don't want to talk about it."

Dean knew when he pushed a nerve. "Fine. Uh, thanks for telling me that. I didn't know…" he trailed off.

Zara saved him. "That the boob tube could have such meaning?" she asked sarcastically. "That's because all you ever watch is Dr. Sexy."

"It's a good show!" Dean said defensively. "And I watch other things… sometimes. Maybe the show just doesn't show everything."

Zara laughed. "Oh I'm sure there's plenty I haven't seen. I probably should be glad I didn't." She waggled her eyebrows.

Dean's face reddened. "Probably. Gosh, it's weird just thinking what you might have seen. It was just the last five years right? You didn't see my weird middle school stage?"

Zara grinned. "With flashbacks." Dean groaned. "I promise it wasn't nearly as bad as you think."

"Well, before I find out that you witnessed my first kiss-"

"-Sorry but… yeah." She laughed

"No no no. Just don't tell me!" Dean groaned backing out of the door. "You sure you don't want anything from Biggerson's?"

"I'm fine, Dean. Thanks for everything." Zara smiled. He left and she lay back on her bed still grinning. Sadly, Zara's good mood could only last so long with an interrogation going on downstairs. Moving around helped block out the sounds she could still hear filtering up the stairs so she explored the room. It had a little bed in the middle with an end table and a lamp. The rest of the room was filled with bookshelves containing books that looked centuries old and mostly unused according to the dust collecting around them. There were also haphazard piles of even more books on the floor in random places. Zara just knew that a rare book collector would think they had died and gone to heaven but she didn't really care. She knew each book contained the information needed to kill one monster or another and she didn't really want to read anything like that right now. Were there any novels here? It didn't look like it and Zara didn't really want to go exploring. Who knows what could be in the rest of the house.

Zara looked at the stack of books near her. They appeared to be the newest ones in the room, though they were still old. On the top there was what looked to be a journal. She looked inside and was happily surprised to see that it was empty. She had always enjoyed journaling when she was younger but, when she got older, she just couldn't find the time. She scrounged around for a pen for a few minutes before finding one under them bed. She happily sat back down on the bed with her back to the wall and her legs crossed in front of her.

Now, what to write? Zara couldn't really see the point in writing what was happening at the moment. She knew and that was enough for her. She wanted to write something more useful- like a hunter's journal. Finally, she had an idea. She was already having a hard time remembering what happened in the Supernatural universe and in what order. It might help her if she could write everything down. She could remember so she could order her thoughts, that way, She wouldn't forget to tell the Winchesters anything important. She started writing with episode one…


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Zara woke up to hear Dean slam the front door. Apparently he was back. She lazily looked over at the journal. She hadn’t gotten very far- just what she remembered from half of the first season. It was going to take a while at this rate. As she went, she started to remember more and more. She wrote in as much detail as she could in case a little thing would remind her of something more important. She heard Sam and Dean talking about something so she decided to take a chance and go downstairs. Hopefully, the interrogation was on hold for the moment. She crept down the stairs with her journal but stopped before she was in view. She wanted to be able to go back up the stairs without being noticed if she needed to.   
“So what’d you tell him?” asked Sam.  
“Nothing. Just relax.” said Dean.  
“What’s the hubbub?” Apparently Bobby had joined the conversation.  
“It’s Cas. He popped in on me about two hours back.” Dean said. He had been gone two hours? Where else did he go? Zara knew for a fact that it shouldn’t have taken that long. They had passed a Biggerson’s not 5 minutes before they got to Bobby’s.  
“What’d you tell him?” Bobby asked suspiciously.  
“Nothing alright? I told him we were on some crap monster hunt. He doesn’t know were getting close to Crowley.” Dean sighed. “You know he’s our friend and we’re lying to him through our teeth.” He sounded so sad. Cas was his best friend- closest to him other than Sam.  
“Dean…” Sam started wearily. They had had this conversation so many times.  
“So he burned the wrong bones, so Crowley tricked him.” Dean reasoned- desperate to give Cas the benefit of the doubt.  
“He’s an angel.” Bobby said.  
“He’s like the Balki Bartokomous of Heaven. He can make a mistake.” Dean’s voice was almost pleading.  
“Nobody’s saying nothin’ yet.” Bobby conceded. Zara rolled her eyes. She HAD said something but she knew how important Cas was to Dean. He was going to fight it until Cas admitted it himself.  
“You’re thinking Cas is in with Crowley. Crowley?” Dean asked incredulously trying to make them realize how ridiculous it sounded.  
“Look I’m just saying I don’t know. I hate myself for even thinking it but I don’t know” Bobby said.  
“Look Dean, he’s our friend too okay? And I’d die for him. I would. But I’m praying were wrong here.” Sam said. “I’m praying Zara is wrong.” Sam added in an undertone. The others didn’t catch it but Zara did. Zara wished she was wrong too.  
“But if we ain’t,” Bobby continued. “If there’s a snowball of a snowball’s chance here, that means were dealing with a Superman who has gone dark side. Which means we gotta be smart, we gotta be cautious, and maybe stock up on some kryptonite.”  
“This makes you Lois Lane.” Dean snickered pointing at Sam, carrying the metaphor too far in an attempt to lighten the mood.   
Sam rolled his eyes. “One problem at a time here. We gotta find Crowley now before the damn fool cracks open purgatory.” They walked back over to the demon. Just for a second, Zara saw a flash of a tan trench coat in the corner of the room. Cas was there. He had heard the whole conversation.  
Zara knew they were going to start torturing the demon again to get information. She knew because that’s what happened in the episode. She also remembered what they were about to find out. Maybe she could tell them, if her coughing let her, and she could save them a bit of time. She walked around the corner to see Dean take out the demon blade and show it to the man in the chair. The demon’s black eyes widened when he recognized it. This blade could actually hurt him. The Winchesters could actually kill him instead of sending him to Hell.  
Zara stepped forward. “Dean, wait.” Sam and Bobby looked at her surprised. They had both forgotten she was there.   
Dean turned- slightly annoyed that he had been interrupted. “What, Zara?”  
“Come over here.” She turned and walked into another room that looked much like the others- covered in books. Dean followed behind her and looked at her questioningly. Sam and Bobby were close behind him.  
“This better be important. We’re kinda in the middle of something.”  
Zara started out nervously- speaking quietly so the demon wouldn’t hear. She knew this was going to sound suspicious. “The demon doesn’t know where Crowley is. He gets his orders from the demon version of Bobby. His name is Allisworth.”  
“How do you know this?” Bobby asked.  
“She’s uh, she’s from the future.” Sam explained.  
“And did she tell you that? No offence to you darlin’ but we get enough people lying to us on a daily basis.” Bobby reasoned. “How do we know you’re telling the truth?”  
“She has already proved herself to us.” Dean said.  
“If you want proof, go ahead and get the same info from the demon. I was just trying to save us time.” Zara offered.  
Bobby thought for a second. “Fine. But after all this is over, I’d like to know a bit more about your story.”  
Zara smiled. She could tell he was warming up to her. “It’s a date.” She winked cheekily.   
Dean and Bobby walked back into the living room/office/library whatever it was where the demon was and Zara went out to the porch. Sam trailed behind. Zara leaned on the railing and looked out over the used car lot. Most of the cars were abandoned and in some form of decomposition- rusted husks, broken windows, dented sides, and split cushions. She could see that some of them even had started growing plants through the bottom making an almost post-apocalyptic feel around her. It gave her a bit of comfort to see that even the broken hulls of the junk cars could hold some beauty. In her old world, she often felt like one of the cars. But now, in this new world, she could feel the first shoots of new life growing in her again. She could make this broken husk beautiful again. She didn’t have to stay in the proverbial junkyard.  
“That was interesting back there.” Sam startled her- the boys seemed to be doing that a lot to her recently. He leaned against the railing beside her. “How did you remember something so specific?”  
Zara glanced at him. Of course he was suspicious. It could never be easy with these guys. “I’ve been doing a memory exercise writing down everything I remember. I overheard your conversation and remembered what was going to happen next.”  
“And you could say it without coughing?” Sam asked.  
“You were going to find out in like 5 minutes anyways. I don’t think that qualifies as a spoiler.” Zara reasoned. Sam nodded- satisfied for now. “Cas overheard that conversation too, ya know?”  
Sam’s eyes widened. “He did? How do you know?”  
“I saw him- both in the episode and here just now. He’s going to tip you off later. He’ll say something about superman- something he wouldn’t know about otherwise.”  
“What’s going to happen?”  
Zara thought about it. “You three catch him in holy fire and confront him. You ah… find out what you need to know.” She didn’t know if she would have a coughing fit there so she decided to be vague. It seemed like they wouldn’t believe anything she said without finding the truth out later anyway so what was the point?   
Dean poked his head out of the door. “Zara was right. We’re heading out. Get your stuff Sammy.” They all headed inside. Zara smiled a bit thinking that she had been proved right… again.  
Bobby was checking out one of his guns in the kitchen when they came in. He motioned over to the fridge. “Zara, there’s food in the fridge. If someone calls, don’t answer it. We should be back in a day or so. Please don’t do anything stupid. The boys trust you and so I’m willing to go out on a limb and give you a chance but if anything happens, you better bet I’ll tear you a new one.”  
Zara looked at the three indignantly. “What are you talking about? I’m coming with you.” She was the one who knew what was going to happen! She had to be there!  
All three men wore the same expression- the kind a father had when he expects his children to do what he says. Dean spoke up. “There’s going to be demons there. We don’t want you to get hurt.”  
“I can take care of myself.” Zara scoffed.   
Sam bit his lip. “No offence, but you haven’t done that for yourself recently.” It was a low blow and he knew it.   
Zara flushed with anger but kept it in check as much as she could. He had no idea what it was like. He had no right. “Fine.” She spat at them. She knew open resistance this time would only get her locked in the panic room or something and she didn’t want that. They left quickly after that. She waited about 20 minutes before walking out of the house and hotwiring the closest car- something her brother had taught her years ago. She raced after them. She was not about to get left behind.  
************************************************************************  
It only took a few hours to get to where they were going. Apparently, all of the men were distracted because they didn’t seem to notice a tan compact car following them a mile behind. The Impala turned down a small country drive and Zara knew they were there. She passed the dirt road and doubled back- making sure to wait a few minutes so that they would be in the house by the time she got there. As she pulled up, she noticed that this house had a striking similarity to Bobby’s. The Impala was parked in some brush nearby and she parked a few feet away from it. Zara took out the knife she had remembered to snag just before leaving the house. She walked up to the house but stopped on the porch and stood at the door. She felt that she shouldn’t go in quite yet so she just stood and listened.  
“Hey were clear from the back.” Sam said.  
“Demons get tipped and bugged out?” Dean asked.  
“Maybe they run from us now.” Sam joked. “Man that would be a nice thought right?”  
“Yeah IF that’s what happened.” Bobby replied skeptically.  
Dean must have motioned something to Sam because the next thing she heard was “Yeah.” There were some shuffling noises throughout the house. Zara figured they were giving it another once over to make sure everything was, in fact, cleared out.  
“Hey the place is clean.” She heard Sam say a bit later.  
“Yeah but it’s like Mr. Clean clean. It’s kinda OCD for your average demon.” Bobby said pointedly looking at Dean. Zara decided that she would chance looking in through the window beside the door. She could see the three men in the main room but they seemed too engrossed in their conversation to notice her.  
“Yeah, so what now?” Sam asked.   
“We call Cas.” Dean said resolutely. Zara could tell from his face that he was still clinging to the angel’s innocence in all of this.  
“What?” Sam asked. Both Sam and Bobby shifted uncomfortably.  
“This is usually the point where we would call Cas for help.” Dean explained slowly as if to a two year old.  
“We talked about this.” Bobby tried to reason with him.  
“Yeah Dean.” Sam added.  
“No. You talked. I listened.” Dean changed tactics. “This is Cas guys. I mean- when there was no one, and we were stuck, I mean really stuck, he broke ranks. He has gone to the mat cut and bleeding for us so many friggin times. This is Cas. Don’t we owe him the benefit of the doubt at least?” There was an awkward pause as Sam and Bobby tried to think a way around Dean’s logic.  
Sam sighed and gave in- praying to the angel. “Castiel this is really important. We really need to talk to you.” He opened his eyes looking around to see if Cas had listened to his call.  
Dean decided to give it a try. “Castiel come on in.” Still, nothing happened. “Cas is busy.” Dean reasoned.  
Zara didn’t get to hear the rest of the conversation because suddenly there was a hand around her mouth and a knife pressed to her neck. “What have we here?” A demon purred in her ear. She struggled in his strong grip. “A little spy? You aren’t one of the Winchesters gang. Who are you? I’d love to find out.”  
Then Zara remembered she still had the knife in her hand. It wasn’t a demon knife and so it wouldn’t actually hurt the demon but it might buy her some time. She stabbed behind her as hard as she could and felt it connect to something behind her with a sickening squelch. She heard the demon curse and then she was thrown against the door. It wasn’t latched all the way and so, when she slammed into it, it swung open and she fell hard on the floor. She could see that the three men were in a similar fight with their own demons, but that was all she could see before the demon was on top of her again. She began reciting the exorcism she had heard on the TV so much she had it memorized. “Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus...” The demon flinched and she took her chance to swing at him. She hit him square on the jaw and rolled over so that she was on top of him. “omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio...”The demon growled and tried to throw her off of him but she held on tight. He rolled on top of her again and tried to put his hands around her neck, but she got her legs up between them and kicked him hard in the chest with both feet- flinging him against a wall. “infernalis adversarii, omnis legio,” He growled at her gutturally and prepared to launch himself at her again but it was too late. She was almost done. “omnis congregatio et secta diabolica. Audi nos.” The demon threw his head back and black smoke flew out of his mouth. The body then slumped to the floor.   
Zara couldn’t believe she had actually done it. She exorcized a demon! She looked over at the others and found that Cas had finally appeared and smote the other demons. Sam caught her eye and gave her a look. She was so going to get in trouble for disobeying them but he had seen what she did. He seemed proud of her. She grinned back at him. She was proud of herself too!  
Dean glanced over at her before acknowledging Cas. Oh, she was really going to get it when they got back to Bobby’s “Hey its good to see you Cas.” Dean looked over at the others as if saying, “See? I told you he was still on our side.”  
“Are you alright?” Castiel’s back was to her so he didn’t notice she was there but Zara could recognize that gravelly voice anywhere. She always thought it was funny that the actor that played him used a much different voice in real life and he even regretted giving Castiel such a deep voice.  
“Yeah. Perfect timing Cas.” Sam replied.  
“I’m glad I found you. I come with news.” Cas went straight to business as usual.  
“Yeah what?” Dean asked.  
“I firmly believe Crowley is alive.” Cas said slowly. Zara knew that Cas was just giving them that information to placate them. He was trying his best to keep his friend from knowing he had “Gone dark side.”  
“Yeah you think Kojack?” Dean asked sarcastically. He then turned to the others and said triumphantly, “Well Bobby, what do you think about Cas saving our asses… again?”  
“I think we owe you an apology.” Bobby said grudgingly.  
“Why?” Castiel asked in his classic confused voice. Zara knew it was a front. He knew exactly why and it was breaking him that his friends still had so much faith in him while he was going behind their backs.  
“We’ve been hunting Crowley this whole time and keeping it from you.” Sam said apologetically. It seemed that Sam and Bobby had suddenly changed their minds about Cas now that he had saved their lives… again.  
“We thought you were working with him.” Bobby added.  
“You thought what?” Cas asked skeptically.  
“I know. It’s crazy right?” Dean continued- relieved that the others had come around to his side.  
“It’s just that you torched the wrong bones.” Bobby seemed to be floundering in his apology. “It doesn’t matter. We were wrong.”  
“You know, you could’ve just asked me.” Cas chided.  
“Yeah. We should have. We never should’ve… we just hope you can forgive us.” Dean continued.  
“It’s forgotten.” Cas smiled.  
“Thanks.” Dean was relieved that Cas hadn’t taken much offence to their suspicion.  
“Yeah thanks Cas.” Sam added for good measure.  
“It is a little absurd though.” Cas continued.   
“I know. I know.” said Bobby.  
“Superman going to the dark side? I’m still just Castiel.” And that was where everything changed. The little trust Cas had gained back was lost all over again in an instant. They didn’t show it but all three men knew right there that Cas had spied on their conversation. Cas wasn’t the best at pop culture references. He had to have gotten it from when they had talked earlier.  
“I guess we can put away the kryptonite.” Dean continued the conversation so as to not tip Cas off that he had slipped.”  
“Exactly.” And with that, Cas disappeared. As soon as he was gone, Dean turned around and walked into another room muttering expletives.   
“Dean,” Sam started to follow him but was stopped when Dean turned and glared at him.  
“Not now, Sammy. I need to think.” Dean stormed out of the door that led outside in the other room.  
“I’ll talk him ‘round Sam. You can deal with her.” Bobby motioned towards Zara before walking out after Dean.  
Sam sighed and turned to her but she didn’t want to hear it. “I know you’re about to chew me out for not listening to you. I could’ve gotten hurt. Bla. Bla. Bla. I know what you’re gonna say but I don’t really wana talk about it. I can take care of myself and I think I proved it, thank you very much.”  
Sam looked taken aback. He decided to just drop it. “You exorcized a demon… You can fight.” Zara rolled her eyes. Of course she could. Her dad was a cop and the exorcism was just a little tidbit she had learned on the show. “Why didn’t you defend yourself against your husband?”   
She hadn’t expected that question. It was complicated to say the least. “Have you ever been abused by someone you loved?”  
Sam thought for a moment and said slowly, “No.” He wouldn’t call growing up with his father abuse… just tough love.  
“Then I don’t expect you to understand.” Zara snapped. She had been able to forget about Sean for a few hours and didn’t appreciate it being brought up again.  
“Try me.” She was going to refuse him again but he was giving her his famous puppy dog look. His eyes captivated her. They had such a kindness in them that she couldn’t help but feel safer looking at them.  
She sighed and he smiled a bit when he realized she had given in. She began slowly. “Every time he hit, slapped, shoved, cut, or bruised me, all I could think about was how much I loved him on our wedding day. How I would never want to hurt him. If I fought back, I knew I wouldn’t stop until he looked just as bruised as I did, and I just couldn’t let myself do that. I couldn’t bring myself to hurt him and so I never lifted a finger.” A single tear fell down her face. She quickly wiped it away.  
“And you never told anybody?” He asked sadly.   
“No.”  
“Why?”  
“The only person I trusted to protect me… died. I felt that if I turned to anyone else he would still find me.” She wrapped her arms around her middle in an attempt to comfort herself. She could see that Sam wanted to hug her- do something to comfort her- but he wouldn’t do anything she wasn’t okay with. He knew she didn’t respond well to touch and so he kept his distance.   
“Do you still love him?”  
She didn’t expect that question either. She took a minute before she responded. “I love the man I married. The man who shot me in that cemetery is not the man I married. He is long gone. I mourn for him every day but I know he will never come back and so I try to look forward as much as I can and forget the hurts of the past.”  
Sam nodded satisfied. He then seemed to reconsider her earlier statement. “Who died?”  
She did NOT want to go there. “I was right.”  
“What?” Sam was going to have to get used to her changing the subject quickly… especially if he kept prying about her brother.  
“I was right about Cas. I told you he would let the Superman thing slip. I will also be right about tonight. You’ll see.” She wanted to plead with him to start believing her. She was so tired of being ignored even thought she was right.  
“I guess we will.” Sam added sadly. “It’s not every day you find out you’ve been betrayed by a brother.” All Zara could do was nod. She knew all too well how that felt.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N Hey guys! Sorry this chapter might not be the greatest but I moved out of state today so it's amazing that I'm even posting. The next chapter is a doosie I promise ;) I seriously would rather post that chapter but continuity stuff ya know? Myrina you know what part I'm talking about hehhehheh. As always, please please PLEASE rate/review ect. It seriously makes my day you have no idea.

Chapter 6

"Castiel… uh… we need you down here for a little pow wow here. So, uh, come on down." Dean's voice cut through the silence of the house. Everything had been set up and all of them were nervous. It wasn't every day that they called a mega powerful being to have an interrogation. They decided that, since Castiel didn't know who she was and hadn't seen her yet, Zara should wait in the car. She didn't like it but she knew what was going to happen and she understood that the boys needed the privacy. Of course she still snuck out and listened at the door just in case.

The familiar sound of wings filled the air and, suddenly, there was someone else in the room. "Hello" Castiel said.

"Johnny on the spot." Bobby quipped.

"You're still here." Castiel looked at the brothers questioningly.

"Yeah well we had to bury the bodies." Sam explained.

"And we found a little whiskey." Dean held up a glass showing him the bottle of liquor he had found stashed in the cupboard. "Thanks for coming."

"How can I help?" Castiel asked patiently.

"Well, look, we have a new plan." Sam started hesitantly. "We think we finally have a way to track down Crowley."

Castiel walked closer towards them. "What is it?" he asked curious though a little suspicious. They were acting a little funny.

"It's you." Bobby explained. He threw a match down on the ground and a circle of holy fire erupted around the trench coat clad angel.

"What are you doing?" Casteil asked- surprised and a little hurt.

"We gotta talk..." Dean started.

"About what? Let me go." Panic tinged Castiel's voice. He knew he was caught now. He was going to have to tell them the truth.

"About superman… and kryptonite." Dean glared at the angel.

"How did you know what I said?" Bobby asked a little gentler though no less suspicious.

"You know who spies on people? Spies." Dean said.

"Can we just stop for a minute? I don't even know what you mean." Castiel was trying to do as much damage control as possible.

"What about this demon crap hole?" Sam chimed in too. "How is it so… 'next to godliness' clean in here?"

"How exactly did Crowley trick you with the wrong bones?" Bobby asked again. He seemed really hung up on that little question.

"That's hard to understand." Cas was fumbling with his words now. "That is hard to explain. Just let me go. Let me out and I can-"

"You gotta look at me man." All of the anger and hurt that Dean had bundled up inside of him could be felt purely through his voice. "You gotta level with me and tell me what's going on. Look me in the eye and tell me you're not working with Crowley." Castiel didn't answer and Dean held back a strangled choking sound that could only be described a suppressed sob.

"Just let me explain." Cas pleaded- greatly affected by that single sound.

"You're in it with him? You and Crowley have been going after purgatory together? You have huh? This whole time!" Dean looked at him- disgusted.

"I did it to protect you- to protect all of you." Cas knew his intentions were well meant.

"Protect us how?" Sam asked- obviously just as hurt by his affirmation of the question. "By opening a hole into monster land?"

"He's right Cas." Bobby said. "One drop got through and it was Eve and you wana break down the entire dam?"

"Yes." Cas stated resolutely. He would stand behind his actions. "-to get the souls. I can stop Raphael. Please you have to trust me."

"Trust you?!" Sam scoffed. "How in the hell are we supposed to trust you now?"

"I'm still me. I'm still your friend." Maybe if he told them about what he did for Sam, they would understand. "Sam, I'm the one who raised you from Perdition."

All three of them stopped in their tracks. Castiel had done what? He had gone to Hell and back for them… again? Then Sam's expression hardened. "What? Well, no offence, but you did a pretty piss poor job of it." Then something occurred to him. "Wait, did you bring me back soulless on purpose?"

Cateiel looked hurt. "How could you think that?"

"Well I'm thinking a lot of things right now, Cas." Sam said sarcastically.

"Listen, Raphael will kill us all. He'll turn the world into a graveyard." Castiel reasoned. "I had no choice."

Dean cut in again. "No. You had a choice. You just made the wrong one."

"You don't understand. It's complicated-"

"No, actually, it's not." Dean interrupted. "And you know that. Why else would keep this a secret unless you knew that this was wrong? When crap like this comes around, we deal with it like we always have. What we don't do is make another deal with the devil!" Dean was yelling.

"That sounds so simple when you say it like that." Castiel whispered. The contrast in the volumes of their voices was jarring. Then he cut his eyes at Dean. "Where were you when I needed to hear it?"

Dean was not about to let Cas put the blame on him. "I was there. Where were you? You should've come to us for help, Cas."

"Maybe... but it's too late now." Cas said looking out the window. The sky was starting to fill with black smoke. They were about to get company. "I can't turn back now. I can't."

"It's not too late." Dean pleaded. "Dammit, Cas! We can fix this!"

Cas looked at him with a hard expression. "Dean, it's not broken." Cas looked out the window again. The demons were coming closer. He began to get afraid for his friends. "Run. You have to run now. Run!" Zara rushed back to the car quickly so as to not get caught.

The three humans ran out of the door and toward the cars. Dean was the last one out. He hesitated at the doorway and glanced back at his friend. Something inside Dean broke when he turned away. He had just lost one of his only friends in the world and he didn't know if anything was going to be okay ever again.

As soon as they got back to Bobby's house, all four of them started in on angel proofing the house with red paint. Honestly, it looked like some seriously crazy satanic devil worship or something but it was supposed to work. Zara knew they were going to do it wrong. Castiel was going to get in and have a conversation with Dean tonight anyway. She didn't say anything though; Cas wasn't going to do anything bad and she didn't want to draw any more attention to herself. They would only remember that she had ignored their orders and followed them and then she would get an earful from Bobby and Dean. Sam seemed to understand. He had been the most considerate of the trio but it was understandable about the other two. They were going through a lot right now and it was only going to get worse.

When they were done, Sam and Dean went upstairs and Bobby went out to the shed to do something. Zara didn't feel tired quite yet so she decided to write more in her journal. She started where she left off in the middle of season 1 and just got lost in the story. She wrote about all of the monsters the brothers encountered and the epic fights they had. She wrote about the demon that killed their mother and how their father followed it across the country. She wrote about how John Winchester eventually got possessed by said demon and Sam made the choice to save his father's life instead of kill the demon. By the time she got to season 2, she was hungry so she grabbed a sandwich and a beer from the fridge. She closed the fridge door to see that Bobby had come in and was looking at what she had written in the journal.

"What's this?" Bobby asked.

"Oh. It was an empty journal I found upstairs. I hope it wasn't a problem that I used it." Zara looked at him uncomfortably. She hadn't asked for it. If she had taken something of Sean's without asking, she would have been in some serious trouble. She waited tensely for his reaction.

Bobby shrugged. "It's fine." Zara let out a little breath. "I probably have dozens of these empty things lying around. I always intended to make a hunter's journal like everyone else but it just turned into a hunter's library instead. Why are you writing about Sam and Dean in here? You didn't even know them when all of this happened."

"It's a long story…"

"You promised me a date, Zara." The aging man winked.

She smiled. She was finally seeing the side of Bobby that had made her love him in the show. She sat down at the table across from him and told him her story. It sounded crazy repeating it out loud even for the second time and Zara couldn't believe that Bobby hadn't interrupted and told her that she was insane. Bobby listened quietly the whole time with a thoughtful look on his face. When she had finished, she looked up at him and asked, "So do you believe me?"

Bobby sighed. "It's not the easiest thing to believe, but who am I to judge?" He chuckled. "I've had some strange things happen to me too."

Zara laughed. "You sure have."

"Do people like me on the show?" Bobby asked jokingly.

Leave it to Bobby to deal with the whole "my life is a TV show" thing like that. She laughed. "Yeah. Just about everyone loves you." She didn't add that the fans of Supernatural were pretty free with their love. They loved the main characters. They loved the support characters. They loved the evil characters. Heck. They even loved the obscure characters like "Tractor Angel". She added, "You were one of my favorite characters."

"Why?" Bobby asked incredulously.

Zara didn't ever think that she would in a million years be able to tell a favorite character what they meant to her. It was an amazing opportunity. "When I found out about your past- about your abusive father- was around the time I started being abused. I felt like I wasn't alone. There was someone else who knew my pain. I know your life isn't exactly like mine and that you've been through even more than I can imagine, but I knew that, if you could live through it, then so could I. I just want to thank you for giving me hope when I couldn't find any." Zara felt she should thank all three of the men but she needed to thank Bobby the most.

Bobby was speechless. He didn't know his life could impact someone else so much. "I'm, uh, glad to hear that I could help you… I guess." Zara just smiled. He sat thoughtfully for a second. "You said 'were'…"

"I said what?" She asked absentmindedly.

"You said 'Were one of my favorite characters.' What does that mean? Does that mean I die?" Bobby asked. He cringed inwardly at himself for changing the subject to something so selfish but he wanted to know.

"Oh! No no no." Zara backpedaled. "I've come to realize that I'm stuck in this dimension. If I'm going to live here, I need to stop thinking of this as just a story. Everyone here is real now, not characters and I need to acknowledge everyone as real people. That might not make sense. I don't know. Dimensional culture shock is a bit hard to deal with… I said 'were' to show that I don't think of you as a character anymore."

Bobby squinted at her. This was one odd girl. "Well, thanks." He said sarcastically. "I have achieved real personhood in your eyes. I'm so honored."

She smiled. They chatted for a little longer and then he went to bed. Zara felt like she had really accomplished something. She had Bobby's good will and that's gotta count for something. Then she blew out a long breath and put her forehead on her arms which were folded on the table. She had meant everything she said about the kinship she felt and the fact that she was accepting this new dimension as reality for her and she really did see Bobby as a person. Of course she did. But the "were" that had so carelessly slipped out of her mouth had had two meanings. It did mean what she said, but it also meant that he was going to die. Zara couldn't bear to tell him. She knew what it would do to him.

She remembered when Dean had made that deal with a demon to bring back Sam and he knew he only had a year left. It was constantly on both Sam and Dean's minds the entire time. The "last year" that Dean had, was cheapened by them knowing. He might as well have died immediately because he acted dead for that whole year. She didn't want to do that to Bobby. She didn't want to cheapen his last year and maybe, since she knew, maybe she could change it. Maybe she could save Bobby and no one would ever know. Zara was beginning to realize when it was good to keep quiet about things. This whole "no spoiler" thing had really taught her to choose her words carefully and think about what would happen when she spoke. There were consequences to knowing things she shouldn't.

Speaking of things she shouldn't know, Zara picked up her pen again. It was time to continue writing. Where was she? Ah… the accident. She wrote long into the night and when the Winchesters came downstairs for breakfast in the morning they found her face down on the table fast asleep- a completed journal tucked under her arm.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N Here's the chapter I've been excited about for a while now well... this one and the next few hehhehheh. :) As always, please review/leave kudos. It keeps me inspired to write more. Oh and, just to be safe, Zara does know the future seasons so it's a safe bet things will be spoiled along the way. I recommend watching the finales before you read them but that's none of my business (Insert a picture of Kermit drinking Lipton Tea for those of you on Tickld). Also, I'm so sorry about the updating schedule... I've been distracted and haven't been on top of it. Anyways... I hope y'all enjoy reading this as much as I do writing it!

Chapter 7

"We need to find him." Zara could hear Dean growl behind her while she was making breakfast. Cas had had a little chat with Dean the night before just like she knew he would.

Sam sighed. "I know Dean but we have no leads. How are we going to find him?" Zara took their plates over to the table and the boys started to dig in.

"Would you know how to help Zara? Maybe an address or something?" Dean asked with his mouth full.

Zara put down her fork. "Give me a second." She grabbed her journal and started flipping through. She was really glad she had finished it. It was so much easier when she had it all written down. She flipped to the part labeled season 6 and went towards the back. She reviewed what would happen in the next couple of days- Ellie (Bobby's purgatory friend) would die, Cas would break Sam's wall, Balthazar would join them and then die, and Cas would swallow all of Purgatory. She was overwhelmed. How could she prevent all of that? It was too much. She put her hands over her face and groaned.

Sam looked up. "What is it? What's going to happen?"

Zara looked at the brothers sadly. "Everything."

"What do we need to do?" Dean asked.

"First, get Bobby to call Ellie. She needs to get to a safe house pronto."

"Ellie- the Purgatory chick?" Dean asked quirking his eyebrow.

"Yeah. She's in danger. They- *Cough*" Zara sighed. "Just get her safe." Sam nodded and went to go get Bobby. Zara then looked over at Dean. He wasn't going to like this. "Second, we need to lock Sam up in the panic room."

"What? Why?" Dean looked at her quizzically. Sure, he had locked Sam in there when he was going off demon blood but he was all good now. Why would he need to be locked up in there?

Zara coughed pitifully. She wasn't going to be able to tell him why. "I… I can't tell you. But please, Dean. It will be better for him in there."

"No."

"But Dean!" He was being totally unreasonable. He didn't know what was going to happen. She did.

"I said no and that's final. Sam stays free. I locked him up in there once. I'm not doing it again." Dean said with finality.

"It's for his safety!" She pleaded.

"Zara!" Dean barked and stood towering over her. He looked at her intimidatingly and his fists were clenched. A threat was on his lips. She shrunk back. It was a reflexive response from when she was with Sean but she couldn't help it. The motion was hard wired into her brain. Flashbacks of her time with Sean came into her vision and she let out a small squeak. Dean's eyes widened. He hadn't meant to frighten her… not really.

Zara stood up and headed towards the door. Her fight or flight reflexes were taking over and she needed to get away before the visions overtook her. Zara stopped in the doorway but didn't turn so he wouldn't see the tears in her eyes. They would be a sign of weakness. She whispered, "If you don't want to listen to me, then don't. But don't turn on me when your brother gets hurt." She walked out the door and into the mess of junk cars beyond.

"Zara, wait." Dean said sadly. He didn't follow her. He didn't want to scare her again. He sat back down and put his head in his hands. And he was just gaining her trust too!

Zara came back after an hour or so but she refused to speak to or even look at Dean. Sam had come back and informed them that Bobby was trying his best to get a hold of Ellie but he had been trying for a while and hadn't been successful. Zara knew what that meant. There was an awkward icy silence during which Sam looked between the both of them questioningly but, when neither were forthcoming, he decided not to ask. "What's going to happen?"

Zara sighed. "It's too late for her." The brothers sat at the table somberly while Zara leaned against the counter.

"What's the third thing Zara?" Dean finally broke the silence. He had given in but Zara wasn't about to let him off the hook. She ignored him.

Sam gave Dean an odd look. "Third? I thought we were on number two?"

Dean shook his slightly- telling his brother not to push it. He cut his eyes at Zara and gave her a "You're being childish" look. "Just tell us what we need to do."

Zara rolled her eyes. She was still mad at him but they really did need to get moving. "Balthazar. Call Balthazar." Zara sat on the couch as the boys gathered the ingredients needed to call the angel. Dean kept tiptoeing around her, avoiding the room she was in, never making contact. She almost felt bad for him but it wasn't her fault. It was his for threatening her. Granted, it wasn't said out loud, but she knew that body language when she saw it. She knew when someone was about to hit her. She wasn't going act like everything was alright between them. She was not about to deal with another abusive situation.

They finally had everything together so Zara went out to the front of the house with them and they lit the ingredients on fire. Within seconds, Balthazar appeared sitting on top of a nearby car sipping Champagne with an annoyed look plastered on his face.

"I'm sorry boys, do I look like a manservant to you? No? Then quit ringing for me. Please!" Balthazar's accent was just dripping with annoyance.

"This is important Balthazar." Dean growled. His patience was shot for the day.

"I was drinking a 75 dom out of sopranas navel when you called. That was important." He motioned his glass at Dean pointedly. That was when he noticed Zara standing a little behind Dean. His whole countenance changed. It was as if he just recognized someone he thought he would never see again. He whispered something that sounded like, "Akele, what are-" Just as quickly as he had started his little fit or whatever, it was gone and he was back to his normal snarky self. The three humans shared a confused glance. Had they really seen that or was it their imagination? "Ah, did you finally get a live in one Dean? I was hoping you would. Less chance of getting diseases with just one." Zara gave him a disgusted look. "Though it does seem as if you've quite offended the poor woman. What did you do?" Zara looked like she wanted to punch Balthazar and Dean looked even more so.

Before a fight could break out, Sam blurted "Crowley's alive."

Balthazar glanced at him- slightly amused. "Well you've been scooped. Cas told me already."

"Well did he tell you he's been Crowley's butt buddy?" Dean asked sullenly. He was still pretty sore about it.

Balthazar's eyes widened and he shifted his weight. "What?"

"Handshake deal, called halvsies on all the souls in Purgatory. Did he fill you in on that?" Sam pressed.

Balthazar schooled his features into an unconcerned air. "Well yes. Yes of course he did. Yes." He took a sip of his Champagne.

"Yes of course he did." Sam mimicked. "We can read it all over your face."

"A lot of innocent people are gonna die if we let this happen." Dean said.

"And I care about this why?" Balthazar looked bored.

"Maybe there's a shred of decency under all that snarky crap." Dean reasoned.

"Please Balthazar." Zara added.

"Hmm. I see. Fair enough." Balthazar disappeared with a rush of wings and Dean swore.

"What now?" Sam asked Zara.

"We wait. He's going to talk to Cas. He'll be back soon." Zara assured them.

Later that night Zara came into the kitchen to find Sam drinking some whiskey. She was about to comment on it when she heard angel wings and Balthazar commented on it instead. "Drinking your feelings Sam? I thought that was your brother's bag."

Sam shrugged. "Stressful times."

"Well, we need to talk." Balthazar looked around for Dean.

"Why?"

Balthazar shifted- looking between the two humans. "Well I know I'm going to live to regret this, but I'm officially on your team… you bastards."

"Let me go get Dean and we can talk about this." Sam ducked out of the kitchen leaving Zara alone with Balthazar.

He looked at her quizzically and asked her, "You're not from here are you?" though it seemed like he already knew the answer.

"Ah, no." Zara grimaced. "I just got here a few days ago."

"Another dimension, yes? One with the absolute minimum of magic? It must have cost a lot to get you here- a soul at the very least." Balthazar said thoughtfully and then looked her straight in the eye. "I can tell you didn't sell yours so who did you coerce into doing it?"

Zara looked at him bewildered. A soul? Like a demon deal? "What are you talking about? I didn't get anyone to sell their soul for me. I have no idea how I even got here."

"Don't lie." He chided. "You positively reek of a demon deal. If the Hardy Brothers find out, you'll be in for it."

Zara backpedaled. She was in way over her depth. How did he know how she got there? She didn't even know! "I didn't make a deal with any demons. I promise! One second, I was in a cemetery getting shot at by my husband," Balthazar's eyes widened. "And the next, he was gone and Sam and Dean were there."

He took on a bored expression again. He seemed very adept at masking his emotions when he wanted to. "Interesting to say the least, but even if you didn't make someone sell their souls, someone is in Hell for you." Zara's mind was spinning. Someone was in Hell for her? Why? Who would do that? "Though I think they could've gotten a better deal. The gag is a bit much. You can't possibly know that much."

"Gag? You mean the thing where I cough when I'm about to spoil something?" That made sense… she guessed. Maybe he knew about how to get it off. That would be helpful.

"Yes." Balthazar started pacing. "The dimensions aren't always aligned with each other. You probably know something that will happen in the near future but the demon controlling your deal isn't going to let you mess with its plans."

"Wait… you're saying I have a gag put on me by a demon who got me over here because someone sold their soul for me?" Again, whose soul? This one conversation was giving Zara a headache.

"Hmm, yes." He confirmed.

"How can I get the gag taken off?"

"You would have to talk to the demon who holds the contract for your deal."

Zara thought for a second. "I'm assuming the only demon powerful enough to handle inter-dimensional deals would be Crowley."

Balthazar smiled. She was smarter than she looked. "It would make sense. How much do you know about this dimension?"

"This place was a TV show where I was. I know every important happening from six years ago until three years from now. That's probably reason for a gag then."

"Ah, yes. I see. Very interesting." She could see the gears in Balthazar's head spinning.

"How do you know so much about dimension hopping anyway?"

"I'm thousands of years old. I've done my fair share of it." He waved his hand dismissively but she wasn't about to let him get away with that. She opened her mouth to speak but he interrupted. "Let's just say I've had first hand experience on everything you could be dealing with."

"Does that mean you're from another dimension?"

"…No." That sounded more complicated than it should be.

"Have you been to mine?"

"Yes. In fact, I have." Oh she needed to know about that one. She could tell by his face he was hiding something big.

"What did you do there?"

"Spoilers, Akele. Spoilers." She was about to say more but he interrupted quickly. "Ah there's the howler monkeys." His attention was fixed astutely on the Winchesters who were coming down the stairs. Oh he was definitely hiding something. "I do believe we are making an arrangement."

Dean looked at Balthazar skeptically. "So you are going to be our double agent?"

"Yes I suppose so." He sighed.

"And we should believe you… why?" Dean was not about to get tricked.

"Would you believe I had a shred of decency?"

"No." Sam admitted.

"Oh that hurts." Balthazar said sarcastically with a mock hurt face. He then conceded, "Okay its survival." Sam rolled his eyes. Of course it was. "You see, I asked Cas some questions and I disliked his answers. He seems awful sure of himself for a man who wants to swallow a million nuclear reactors. These things can get a bit Chernobyl ya know? So voila." He spread his arms out. "Consider me your double agent. Call when you need me. I'll be around." He quickly vanished after that.

After Balthazar left, Sam looked between Zara and Dean. "You need to straighten out whatever is between you before all this goes down. We don't need any more crap than we already have. So fix it. Now." He ordered before heading out to get dinner.

Dean sighed and looked over at Zara. She just raised her eyebrows at him- waiting for him to apologize. "Why don't we sit down?" He gestured to the chairs around the kitchen table. Zara shook her head. She wasn't about to sit down. She had learned that it was always safer for her to stand- ready for anything. Dean sighed and ran his hand through the hair on the back of his head. "Zara, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking and I let my emotions get away with me. I wasn't trying to scare you or bring back bad memories, truly. It won't happen again." He looked at her helplessly. She didn't move a muscle and he groaned- frustrated. "What more do you want me to say Zara? I mean, we're talking about locking Sam up. Again. I promised I would never do that again. I can protect Sam. I've always protected Sammy. You know that."

Zara wasn't going to forgive him but, when she heard him talk about his brother, she was reminded of her older brother. Her heart ached. She wanted her brother to protect her again like Dean did for Sam. It was what attracted her to the show so much, after he died especially. There was the same protective spirit that she craved from her brother but could never have again. Her eyes softened and Dean's face brightened hopefully. She finally spoke. "I understand. But you're still making a terrible mistake."

"I can protect him." Dean said resolutely.

Zara was tired. She just wanted to go to bed and so she started to leave. "Just keep Cas away from Sam as much as possible Dean."

"And- And you're not mad about the other thing?" Dean asked hesitantly.

Her eyes flashed back at him. "You said it won't happen again. Break that promise and I break your legs." Dean nodded. Somehow, he knew she could make good on that promise.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N Hey guys! So I am not above self promotion but this promo has a purpose :P I have a tumblr and I'm going to start posting lots of things about this fic on there (pics/drawings/oneshots/important news ect.) All of it will be tagged Light. I'm going to handle any oneshot requests through that as well. So if you wana check it out I'm Qbbie. I promise this is the only time I'm gonna self promo so don't worry ;) Okay, I'm done. As always, please rate and review. It makes me happy. Btw I'm updating so fast right now cause I need to get caught up with what I've written. It'll slow down in a few days.

Chapter 8

The next morning Bobby was no closer to getting a hold of Ellie after searching all day the day before. Zara knew it was already too late but she encouraged him to keep looking. When the phone rang, they almost didn't answer it but then Bobby noticed the number. It was her. They were all around the kitchen table and Bobby put her on speaker phone.

"El?" Bobby asked.

There was labored breathing on the other line. Finally a strained voice said, "Hey. I guess I could've used your help after all."

"What happened?" Bobby asked hurriedly.

"They took me… I got away." She coughed. "But I'm hurt real bad. I'm not gonna make it." All four of them looked at each other sadly.

"Aww Ellie," Bobby said. "What have they done to you?"

"Everything. The demon I could've handled ya know? But when the angel stepped in, I told 'em Bobby." She sounded so broken. Dean started pacing angrily when he realized she was talking about Cas. "They have enough to crack Purgatory wide open."

"Have they opened it yet?" Dean asked.

"No. Tonight. The moon. The eclipse." Ellie's voice was fading. "I'm sorry Bobby."

"It's okay." Bobby's voice broke.

"I'm sorry." Ellie sighed.

"Tell us where they are." There was no answer. "El?" The line went dead. Bobby looked stricken. She was dead.

Suddenly, the sound of angel wings filled the room. Cas was here. "I'm sorry this had to happen. Crowley got a little carried away." Cas explained stoically. Zara tried to get in front of Sam. Now was the time that Cas broke Sam's wall down and he remembered everything that happened in Hell. She tried to get Dean's attention but he was too busy trying to punch Cas.

"Yeah I'm sure it was all Crowley. You son of a bitch." Bobby spat.

"You don't even see it do you? How totally off the rails you are?" Dean looked broken. His best friend was so lost.

"Enough!" Cas was done with Dean trying to reason with him. "I don't care what you think. I've tried to make you understand you won't listen. So let me make this simple. Please go home and let me stop Raphael. I won't ask again." He threatened.

"Well good, 'cause I think you already know the answer." Dean said.

"No Dean." Zara pleaded.

Cas sighed. "I wish it hadn't come to this but rest assured that when all this is over I will save Sam- but only if you stand down."

Dean's eyes widened and he moved closer to Sam. "Save Sam from what?"

Cas appeared behind Sam and touched his head. Sam slumped to the ground and Dean and Zara yelled, "No!" It was all happening just like before and she couldn't do anything to stop it. She started crying.

Cas then looked down at her. He hadn't acknowledged her in all the times they had been in the same room until now. "You're coming with me. Crowley wants you." Zara felt the angel touch her shoulder and she was transported into what looked like a lab for a mad scientist/torturer. In the middle of the room stood the King of Hell- Crowley. She sunk to her knees- vertigo seizing her from the teleportation/flying. This was getting worse and worse by the second.

"Ah Ducky! It's good to finally meet you." Crowley smiled at her warmly. In light of the last couple seasons, Zara was having a hard time remembering Crowley was completely evil here. Yes, he was evil but he was on their side at some points. "Is this world agreeing with you?"

He's evil. Remember. He's not half cured at the moment. It was a little more believable when she noticed the blood stains on the floor. Zara stood up and looked him straight in the eye. "Just peachy Crowley. I trust you were the one heading my deal?"

"Mm yes. Interesting one that was. I couldn't believe that out of all the places I could've sent you, he wanted you to be here."

He? He who? Zara's stomach dropped. She knew exactly who. She asked to make sure. "Who did it? Who sold their soul for me?"

"I think he thought it was an apology." Zara slumped back to the ground. Her brother. Her brother would be the only one in her life who would want to apologize. He would be the only one who would feel the need to sacrifice his soul for her. Something inside Zara broke. Her brother… sold his soul… for her. Suddenly, she had no problem with thinking of Crowley as the bad guy. He was the one who put her brother's soul in Hell. It was his fault.

Crowley walked closer to her- a sardonic look on his face. "He did betray you, didn't he?" Zara let out a choked noise. She didn't know when she started crying but the tears were pouring now. She wanted him to stop, to stop the torture. Physical torture she could handle but this psychological thrashing was more than anything Sean had physically done to her. Brennon. In Hell. For her. "Left you alone to care for your dying mother after he promised he'd always be there. Pretty dick move if you ask me."

"Please Crowley… stop."

He just continued- taking so much pleasure in her pain. "He promised to protect you. Promised you would never be alone." He stepped close to her and bent down to speak in her ear. "And then, he died. He couldn't protect you anymore and he had to stand by and watch as your husband beat you again, and again, and again."

"That wasn't his fault. He couldn't have known. I was the one who-" She sobbed.

"You know he still watches it- the beatings." Zara looked up at him horrified. There was evident glee in his eyes. He whispered- forcing her to strain to hear every word. "It's his own personal hell- getting to watch his baby sister scream and cry while he can do nothing."

"You bastard!" She screamed. It echoed all around the empty room. A little quieter she brokenly said, "You had no right."

"I had every right!" Crowley said indignantly. "He sold his soul to me!"

"Let him out." Zara was prepared to make any deal, pay any price, as long as her brother could go where he deserved and rest in peace.

"No." He smirked.

"Let him out or I swear I will-" She threatened.

"You'll what Ducky? Kill me?" He chuckled. "You have memories of the future. I'm sure I'm there. I checked. I don't seem to die easily now do I?" Obviously he didn't check very closely. He didn't seem too troubled that his empire was in shambles in the future but she wasn't about to tell him. "I'm not concerned. I think we're done here." Crowley raised his hand to snap her back to the Winchesters.

"Wait." Zara pleaded. "What about the gag?" If she couldn't help her brother, maybe she could help the brothers he evidently sent as replacements.

"Ah, the gag." Crowley looked as if he had forgotten about it. "There's no real point in keeping it any more is there? My plan is just about complete and it won't matter what you say. Why don't I take it off as a show of amnesty?" He touched her lips and Zara felt a weight lifted off of her that she hadn't even realized was there before. "Just remember, I can just as easily put it back on. If I catch wind that you are messing around in my dog bowl, I will not hesitate to muzzle you. Ta" He said flippantly. He snapped and she was back at Bobby's house to see a stunned Dean pouring a glass of whiskey.

Dean practically dropped his glass he was so surprised. So much had happened in the last hour that he just needed some alcohol to clear his head. Sam was in the panic room in a coma and Zara just vanished with Cas and he had no idea on how to start on either situation. When Zara reappeared in the living room, Dean breathed a sigh of relief. "Where'd you go?" He asked bewildered. Zara's face was tearstained and she looked like she had been through Hell. He flushed with rage. Dean was going to kill Cas. At least it looked like she wasn't physically hurt. Dean wondered that he felt such a fierce protectiveness over her but somehow he felt that it was the same way he'd feel if she were his sister. She wasn't blood and it hadn't been more than a few days, but she had joined Dean's little family and he wasn't about to see her get hurt.

Zara flopped to the floor and brought her knees up. She put her forehead to her knees and hid her face. She didn't want to talk to Dean right now. Her body was wracked with sobs, one after the other. It seemed like they would never stop.

Dean's heart ached. He wanted to talk to her, hug her, do SOMETHING to make her know it was going to be alright. He edged closer to her. "Do you- can I-" He started again. "I know you don't do the whole physical touch thing. But I'm here if you need a hug." He crouched down beside her and hesitatingly put a comforting hand on her back- ready at any moment to pull back in case she freaked out and didn't want to be touched, by him especially. He knew their last real conversation had been less than pleasant, with her threatening to break his legs and everything.

Suddenly, Zara tackled Dean in a fierce hug and hid her face in his neck. He hugged her back just as hard. Zara felt him keeping back sobs as much as she was letting them out. She could tell they both needed someone- someone to just understand and be there for the other. They had been through so much in just the last hour alone. His brother was in a similar situation as hers at the moment. "Do you want to talk about it?" Dean mumbled into her neck.

Zara shifted and found that she was on Dean's lap with her head resting on his shoulder and his arms around her, still on the floor. It wasn't romantic, just comforting. She shook her head in answer to his question. They couldn't deal with her problems right now. Sam needed them. "No. Later. We can't do anything right now. Not when everything is going to happen so soon." Dean nodded. They just sat like that in companionable silence for a while until they could hear Bobby rustling around downstairs and they decided to go and check on Sam.

Bobby had just finished angel proofing the panic room when they walked in. Bobby looked ready to get off of babysitting duty so they sent him upstairs for lunch. Sam was lying on a cot in the middle of the room. It looked like he was just sleeping but Zara knew better. He was living a nightmare inside his head and he was fighting his hardest to get out of this coma in one piece. Dean looked over at Zara and saw her staring at Sam. "Do you know what's happening to him?"

She nodded. She tried to explain how the wall in Sam's head had broken down. In an attempt to save himself from the pain of remembering Hell, his brain put him in a self induced coma. In his mind, he could make the choice to wake up and remember everything or stay asleep and live in the dream world. Dean understood most of it and was beating himself up over the fact that he didn't listen to Zara. Sam would be okay if he hadn't been so stubborn. "Will he come out of it? Will he be okay?"

Zara bit her lip and looked at the ground. "He'll wake up but he won't be okay."

"Not okay? What do you mean not okay?" Dean worriedly asked.

"You remember Hell, Dean. Think of that only ten times worse. Your memories may haunt you, but Lucifer still has a sliver of a connection to Sam. He will talk to him constantly- drive him nearly insane- all while he is only in Sam's head."

"Oh Sammy." Dean whispered sadly.

"If it's any consolation, He deals with it like a champ." She offered- trying to give him a little comfort.

"How were you able to tell me that without coughing?" Dean asked suspiciously.

"It's a long story. Suffice it to say, I can now say what I want as long as I don't get in Crowley's way." Zara scowled- not wanting to think of that conversation.

Dean wasn't so calm about that situation. "You made a deal with Crowley?!"

"Not exactly." Dean didn't seem satisfied. "Listen, we need to deal with one problem at a time. This little situation is not as important as the whole Purgatory thing." Dean looked like he was going to argue further but that's when Bobby walked down the stairs with the snarky annoying double agent himself- Balthazar. Dean gave her a look that said they would talk about her "deal" later.

"Look what the cat dragged in." Bobby said brightly.

Balthazar tried walking into the panic room but was stopped because of the angel proofing. He scowled but then just leaned against the doorframe. "Oh well at least you got the angel proofing right." He motioned with his chin at the sleeping Sam. "How's sleeping beauty? You didn't steal any kisses I trust." He winked at Zara.

"What the hell took you so long?" Dean asked- annoyed that Balthazar hadn't been around to help them with that morning's problems. He had tried calling for him but there had been no answer.

"Honestly? I was having second thoughts."

"About what?" Dean growled.

"About helping you." Balthazar's I-don't-give-a-crap attitude was getting on Zara's nerves. "I was thinking maybe, maybe I should rip out your sticky bits instead."

"And what did you decide?" Bobby asked- ready to fight if necessary.

"Well…" Balthazar motioned Dean over to him since he couldn't go into the room and handed him a piece of paper. He nodded at it "Cas and Crowley are there. That's where the show gets started."

"Alright give us a minute to pack up and zap us there." Dean said as he walked farther into the room and started grabbing some guns.

Balthazar seemed to not like that plan very much. "Oh no no no. I don't think that's a good-"

"Balthazar!" Dean looked pointedly at him.

"I'm betraying a friend here- a very powerful friend- we all are." He rationalized. "So I think I've stuck my neck out far enough already. Good luck."

Balthazar was about to leave when Zara called out to him. "Balthazar, wait. It's important."

He paused- looking over at her. "Anything for you dear."

"Cas is going to find out you helped us. He's going to kill you tonight Balthazar." Zara had gotten his attention now. "Don't go to him. Stay out of sight for the next few months. You don't deserve to die for this."

Balthazar's face softened and he smiled a little. "I'll keep that in consideration." He said quietly. "Thank you Akele." Then there was the noise of angel wings and he left.

"What did he call you?" Bobby asked.

Zara just shook her head. She didn't know. She just hoped against hope that she could change something by being here. She couldn't save Ellie or Sam but maybe she could save the little snarky angel who kept a few too many secrets.

After Balthazar left, Dean turned to Zara and looked at her pointedly. "Now what was all that about a deal with Crowley?"

Bobby's eyes flashed at Zara. "What?"

Zara sighed. "It's not a big deal-"

"It damn well is a big deal sweetheart." Dean looked particularly angry and maybe a bit worried. "We're in this whole mess with Cas because of dealing with Crowley so you better start talking real quick-"

"Crowley has my brother." Zara butted in. Dean and Bobby stopped in their tracks. "My brother made a deal with Crowley and that's how I got here." Dean looked horrified. "Now before you start accusing me, I didn't know anything about it! Promise! My brother has been dead for over three years. This sort of stuff doesn't even exist where I come from. Please you have to believe me." Tears had come to her eyes. She knew the men in front of her would be mortified to find out the reason she was there (Zara was too). She didn't want them to turn on her and cast her out in a place like this.

At the sight of her tears, Dean blinked a few times and Bobby closed his gaping mouth. Those weren't fake tears. They knew how to tell the difference. "What about YOUR deal with Crowley?"

Zara sniffed. "When Cas brought me to Crowley, he told me about my brother. He said he wouldn't do anything about Brennon and so I asked about my spoilers problem. Apparently, he placed a gag of sorts on me so I wouldn't ruin his plans but he was cocky and said he would take my gag off if I didn't interfere with what he was doing. That's as far as my involvement with him goes. I promise. I haven't given him anything but my word."

Dean and Bobby seemed to relax a little after that. As far as dealings with Crowley went, that one was relatively tame and this deal could be useful as long as they weren't dealing with the King of Hell.

"We'll help you with your brother." Dean assured her.

Zara half smiled through her tears. "Thanks I'll keep you to that, but we need to deal with now first. It will be a long night."

The men nodded and got down to business gathering the weapons and other things they would need for tonight. Zara tried helping at first but found that she just got in the way. She decided to sit down next to Sam instead. Dean and Bobby had a well oiled routine that they didn't even have to talk about to get finished. Soon, they were all geared up and ready to go.

"Times up, Dean." Bobby said sadly. Neither of them wanted to leave Sam in the state that he was but they had to. They decided that Zara would stay with him until he woke up and would try and keep him safe. It shouldn't be too hard of a job since the panic room was warded up to the gills.

"Just a second alright?" Dean leaned over the cot and whispered to his brother- emotion filling his voice. "Sammy, this is where were gonna be. So get your lazy ass out of bed and come meet us." He placed the paper with the address and a gun next to Sam's head and stood up. He looked at Zara and made sure to get eye contact so she knew it was important. "Can I trust you to stay with him?" She nodded. "You won't haul ass as soon as we leave like last time? "

She scoffed. That was under completely different circumstances. Dean stared at her longer. "I promise." She said finally. Dean sighed and he and Bobby left Zara alone to care for the sleeping Sam.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N Hey guys! Hope you enjoy this chapter and it isn't too sappy for you ;) 

Chapter 9

As soon as Zara saw the older men off, she went back down to the panic room to see Sam practically seizing on the cot. "Sam!" she yelled as she bolted down the last few steps and into the room. She tried to hold him down as well as she could so he wouldn't hurt himself, but she could only do so much against him. He was too big and too strong even in his comatose state. He finally quieted down again and lay as still as he had before but Zara was quite shaken. She had never witnessed something like that in real life before. She then thought about what the seizure meant- that he had reconnected with one of his missing pieces in his mind. He was fighting! He was trying to get back to reality! Now there was just one more piece before he woke up, but it would be the one that would ultimately drive him insane- the Sam who remembered Hell.

She pulled up a chair next to his head and started stroking his hair comfortingly like she remembered doing for her little cousins when they were young. She knew things were going to be hard, so hard, for him. She just wanted to take his pain away. She thought back to when he was younger- when she first started watching the show. Sam was happier then, they all were. She wished things could be like that again. She took out the journal. Maybe he could hear her. Maybe she could remind him of the good things. Maybe it would help him through the pain. She started to talk.

"Remember when, after you left Stanford, you fought that Wendigo? You saved that girl and her brothers using a handmade blowtorch and M&M's. And after that, you fought a ghost in a lake and you saved that boy and his mother from being drowned. Dean had a thing for the mom." Zara smiled. "And then you fought a demon on a plane. Dean was so freaked out and you barely got him on there in the first place and then you saved every single person on the plane including yourselves." She continued recounting all of the adventures Sam and Dean had had in the order she had written them down. She told him of all the funny bits along the way that had made her smile and she told him of how he had saved hundreds of people. She talked long into the day. She didn't know if he was listening but he seemed to be calmer and it was calming her down too. She got all the way to the present and stopped. "And you're saving me- you and your brother." Her voice cracked- filled with emotion. "And I will never be able to thank you enough- just like all the people before me- and I know… I know it's going to be tough getting through this. Remembering will be one of the hardest things you will have to face but I know three more years of your life Sam Winchester. You save hundreds more people. They need you to wake up. Dean needs you to wake up. We'll help you through this. Promise."

She looked down at him and sighed. He didn't move. She thought maybe he would wake up right then but she knew it didn't happen like that in reality. Those things only happen on TV but she hoped it helped him somehow. She stood up and walked to the door to go up and grab some dinner- it was getting late and her stomach was growling. She put her hand on the doorknob. That was when she heard Sam gasp as if he had been under water. She turned around to see that he had grabbed the gun Dean had placed next to him and was pointing it at her with wild eyes. She knew he wasn't fully aware of his surroundings yet and so she just quietly said, "Sam. You're at Bobby's. I'm Zara. Remember me?" Sam blinked and a wave of recognition passed over his face. He looked like normal Sam for a second and then the memories hit him. All the pain and horror of the Pit was running through his head. He let out an unearthly cry and slumped over- his head between his knees. He dropped the gun to the floor.

Zara rushed over and sat on the cot next to him- rubbing circles on his back. His breathing was fast and heavy. Slowly, his breathing returned to normal. Zara couldn't believe how well he was taking it. She knew that, if she were reliving Hell, she'd be unashamedly screaming her head off. Sam straightened and looked at her. His face looked quasi normal but she could tell all the pain he was going through by the look in his eyes. "Thank you." He said with more feeling than she felt necessary for just rubbing his back. "I heard you. You were my light home."

She gave him a little half smile. "Come on. Let's get you cleaned up." She started helping him up.

He started looking around quickly. "Where's Dean?"

Zara sighed. She knew that Sam would want to follow Dean as soon as she told him where he went but she also knew that Sam was in no condition to do so. "He'll be back. Let's get you upstairs and we can see about getting you something to eat." Sam glanced at her- not quite believing her- but he nodded and let her lead him upstairs. He had to lean on her a bit because he was still a bit wobbly and out of it but they got to the kitchen eventually. She made him a peanut butter and banana sandwich and, when he practically inhaled it, she started making him a couple more. By the time he had finished the third sandwich, he looked much more like himself, as long as she didn't look at his eyes. They still held a haunted quality. Zara wondered when exactly Lucifer was going to make an appearance in his head. It definitely hadn't happened yet but it was coming.

"Now tell me where Dean really Zara." He sounded tired but firm.

Zara looked at him askance. "I don't think that's a very good idea. You're in no condition to-"

"I'm fine." He snapped. "He's going after Cas and Crowley isn't he?" She nodded. "Then I'm going too whether you come with me or not."

Zara knew she wasn't going to be able to stop him and Dean would definitely tear her a new one if she let him go alone in his state. She sighed and stood up. "The address is on a paper downstairs. You go get that and I'll go find the keys." Sam smiled- glad she wasn't going to fight him about it. He headed downstairs and she cleared his plate off the table. This was a really bad idea.

Dean and Bobby finally got to the address that Balthazar had written down. It was a large mansion guarded by several angels. They were about to try to figure out how to go in undetected when they noticed something that felt like an earthquake. Then the sky darkened. Black smoke had covered the moon and was rushing towards the mansion. Something had gone wrong with Cas and Crowley's arrangement and now Crowley was attacking. Dean and Bobby rushed back into the Impala. It was the safest place since it was warded against demons. The demons still managed to flip the car over before going on to the mansion. They could hear the sounds of a battle going on ahead.

"You alright Bobby?" Dean groaned as he eased himself out of the overturned car. "Bobby?" He could hear the older man groan beside him. "We gotta get in there. We gotta stop them." Bobby grunted and crawled out too. They cautiously headed into the mansion- careful to steer clear of the sounds of angels fighting demons. They could hear someone chanting in Latin coming from the basement somewhere. It echoed up into the corridor. They got to a door and could see into some sort of laboratory. Crowley and another figure were standing in front of a wall that had some sort of symbol scrawled all over it. Presumably, this was the portal into Purgatory.

Dean eased open the door and Bobby followed him inside. They were at the top of a metal staircase that went down into the room. Form this vantage point, Dean could see the other figure and realized that this must be Raphael. His last vessel was killed and he was forced to take another one. It looked like Raphael found a woman in a smart business suit this time. Dean had a clear shot so he took out the angel blade and aimed for Raphael's head. The two in front of the wall took no notice of them as far as Dean could tell. Crowley just continued chanting. He let out a breath and threw the blade at him/her. Raphael easily caught it behind his/her head without looking. Crowley stopped chanting for a minute and glanced at them nonchalantly. He had been expecting them. He lifted a hand and turned it sharply. Bobby was thrown down the stairs and Dean was thrown over the railing and onto a table below.

"A bit busy gentlemen." Crowley stated calmly. They just groaned in response. "Be with you in a mo'."

Zara drove up with Sam to see the Impala flipped over. "Looks like trouble." Zara mumbled. They got out of the car and headed down the hill towards the mansion. There were several figures strewn around the lawn- wing shapes singed into the grass. "You sure you wana do this Sam?"

"I need to be there." Sam grunted. The pain was overwhelming him but he pushed on. He needed to be with his brother. Zara nodded and they cautiously headed inside.

Crowley continued chanting. When he finished, both Crowley and Raphael looked expectantly at the portal. Nothing happened. "Mmhmm… maybe I said it wrong."

The sound of angel wings filled the room. Cas was here. "You said it perfectly but what you needed was this." Cas' voice was somehow different- calmer, more calculated. He held up an empty jar stained red from the blood that had been stored within. Bobby and Dean stood up and shuffled behind Castiel. Something was off about him.

Crowley glared at Cas. "I see. And what were working with is-" He went over to the wall and wiped a bit of the blood off with his finger. He tasted it and spit it out disgustedly. "-dog blood. Naturally."

"Enough of these games Castiel. Give us the blood." Raphael finally spoke.

Crowley rolled his eyes- clearly annoyed with the angel. "You- games over. His jars empty." He said speaking slowly so as to get it through Raphael's thick skull. "So Castiel, how'd your ritual go? Better than ours I'll bet."

Cas slightly opened his trench coat and a blinding light filled the room blinding everyone. Yes, apparently Cas had done the ritual and was supercharged. "You can't imagine what its like." He said. "They're all inside me. Millions and millions of souls."

"Sounds sexy. Exit stage Crowley." Crowley said before he disappeared. He knew when he was beaten and when to run away.

"Now what's the matter Raphael?" Cas asked condescendingly. "Someone clip your wings?"

Raphael was trying to teleport out as well but Cas wasn't going to let him/her. "Castiel please." He/she pleaded. "You'd let the demon go but not your own brother?"

"The demon I have plans for. You on the other hand?" Castiel snapped his fingers and Raphael exploded into little bits. Dean and Bobby shifted uncomfortably. They didn't quite know how to deal with this version of Cas. "So you see? I saved you." He was still trying to prove to Dean that he did the right thing.

"You sure did Cas." Dean said reassuringly. He was realizing how supercharged Cas was and was trying not to make him angry. "Thank you."

"You doubted me. Fought against me. But I was right all along." Castiel accused.

"Okay Cas you were. We're sorry. Now let's just… diffuse you okay?" Dean made a placating gesture.

"What do you mean?" Cas asked offended.

"You're full of nuke and that's dangerous. So before the eclipse ends, let's get them souls back to where they belong."

"Oh no. They belong with me." Cas was not about to let all that power go. He had much more to do.

"No Cas it's- it's scrambling your brain." Dean reasoned. He was trying to reach the part of his friend who was still Cas.

"Oh but I'm not finished yet. Raphael had many followers and I must punish them all severely." Cas' calm voice was putting Dean over the edge. Didn't he realize how off the reservation he was?

Sam and Zara snuck down the stairs and behind Castiel. Dean and Cas didn't notice, they were having a heated discussion, but Bobby did. Sam looked at him and got a feel for the situation from just that look. Cas was off the deep end and needed to be stopped. He pulled out his angel blade and looked at Zara to make sure she didn't alert Cas. She just shook her head a bit. He listened to the conversation a little more to see whether stabbing his friend was warranted.

"Listen to me. Listen. I know there's a lot of bad water under the bridge but we were family once. I'd have died for you. I almost did a few times. So if that means anything to you, please. I've lost Lisa; I've lost Ben; and now I've lost Sam. Don't make me lose you too." Dean pleaded. "You don't need this kind of juice any more Cas. Get rid of it before it destroys us all."

"You're just saying that because I won, because you're afraid. You're not my family Dean. I have no family." That hit Dean the hardest. How could say he wasn't family? After all they had been through.

Suddenly, Sam stabbed Cas in the back with his angel blade. Nothing happened. Cas looked back at Sam and Zara's stunned faces boredly. Sam looked lost- as if he hadn't really meant to do it. He had lost all control after hearing Cas say he wasn't family. The pain was throwing his judgment off. Cas pulled out the blade and placed it on the table beside him. He did everything so nonchalantly as if he hadn't just been, quite literally, stabbed in the back by one of his closest friends. It was as if he already knew this was going to happen.

"I'm glad you made it Sam, Akele, but the angel blade won't work because I'm not an angel anymore. I'm your new god- a better one. So you will bow down and profess your love unto me your lord or I shall destroy you." His stare captivated them and dared any of them to disobey him.

"Well alright then. Is this good or do you want the whole forehead to the carpet thing?" Bobby started bending his knees to bow to Castiel. "Guys." He motioned for the rest of them to follow suit but they hesitated.

"Stop." Castiel sighed. "What's the point if you don't mean it? You fear me. Not love. Not respect. Just fear."

"Cas-" Sam started to try to talk Cas down.

"Sam you have nothing to say to me." Castiel interrupted. "You stabbed me in the back. Get up." He motioned to Bobby and he stood up again.

"Cas come on. This isn't you." Dean pleaded.

"The Castiel you knew is gone."

"So what now?" Dean asked. "Kill us?"

"What a brave little ant you are." Cas smirked. "You know you're powerless. You wouldn't dare move against me again. That would be pointless. So I have no need to kill you. Not now. Besides, once, you were my favorite pets before you turned and bit me."

"Who are you?" Dean whispered. Whoever this was, it was not his friend. This was some monster wearing his friend. It had to be. He couldn't believe that the Cas he knew would be like this.

"I am god and, if you stay in your place, you may remain in my kingdom. If you rise up, I will strike you down." Cas said loftily and then glanced back at Sam who had slumped to the floor hyperventilating somewhere during the conversation. He had cut his hand pretty badly on the smashed glass on the floor and it was bleeding profusely. "Not doing so well are you Sam?"

"I'm fine…. I'm fine," He barely got out. Zara was trying to help him but she couldn't get him to calm down enough to even look at his hand.

"You said you would fix him." Dean's voiced cracked at the sight of his brother. "You promised."

"IF you stood down- which you hardly did." Castiel pointed out matter of factly. "Be thankful for my mercy. I could've cast you back into the pit." The threat was not lost on any of them.

"Cas come on this is nuts. You can turn this around. Please."

"I hope for your sake this is the last time you see me." Cas looked over at Zara and vanished without a sound.

Dean rushed over to his little brother trying his best to calm him down and patch up his hand. "Sammy you okay?" Sam just squeezed his eyes shut and groaned. "Bobby, Zara, come help me." Bobby didn't answer for a second. "Bobby?"

"Dean." Bobby sounded odd. Dean looked up at his stunned expression. "Zara… Zara's gone."

"What?" Dean asked half standing up and started turning around to look for her.

"Cas took her." Bobby sighed. "He looked right at her before he vanished and then, she was just gone. He took her, Dean."

"Son of a Bitch." Dean swore.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N Chapter 10 already?! That's crazy! I hope y'all enjoy this as much as I do!

Chapter 10

"Cas!" Zara jumped when she realized she wasn't in the laboratory anymore. Now it looked like she was in some sort of log cabin in the mountains. "What are you doing?"

"You possess something that I will require soon." Cas stated simply.

Zara's stomach dropped. Did he want her memories? Zara wasn't about to just tell him but she shuddered to think of what lengths the crazed angel would go to get the information she knew. "No. Cas please." She kicked herself at the twinge of fear she could hear in her voice.

Cas tilted his head in the confused way she had seen him do so many times. It brought tears to her eyes to see the little shred of the old Cas was still there. "Do not be afraid, Akele."

Somehow, saying 'Don't be afraid' didn't seem to help her any. "Why do you call me Akele?"

"Because it is what you are." He stated. His face was back to the same bored expression as if this whole conversation was taking too long for his liking.

"You aren't very informative." Zara crossed her arms and made a face. She was trying her hardest to hide her fear under a mask of annoyance.

"I don't exist to placate your curiosity. There is food in the kitchen. I will be back when I require your assistance. You cannot leave- I have placed a ward around the house."

Zara's eyes widened when she realized he was going to leave her alone in this strange place. "Cas!" He disappeared. She swore. Zara took a closer look at her surroundings. Might as well get acquainted with what looked like was going to be her home for a bit. She was standing in a living room of sorts with a fireplace and a little couch. There was also a little kitchen, bedroom and bathroom in adjoining rooms. It would have been cozy enough in different circumstances. She went back to the living room and opened the front door. She could feel the cold winter air blowing through and the smell of the pine trees. Was Cas lying to her? It seemed like she could leave just fine. The door wasn't even locked. She took a deep breath and stepped out of the door. As soon as her foot hit the ground, she blacked out.

"Braugh! Come on baby!" Dean was pushing with his feet on the roof of the Impala trying to fix the dent. He put all of his effort and emotion into it. So many things had gone wrong yesterday that it was all he could do to keep it together. His brother was probably going crazy, his best friend was rampaging across the country on a self righteous tirade, said best friend also could possibly explode and doom the world, and his other friend… acquaintance… it was complicated… was kidnapped by the above tirading best friend and he had no idea where to find her. His life was falling apart in every sense of the word and he just couldn't even begin to think about fixing any of it. So he focused on what he COULD do- fix his car and pray to God (The real one. Not Castiel.) that he could find the strength for the rest.

Bobby came up to the car and looked in at Dean. "So are you fixing her or primal screaming?"

Dean hopped out of the car and Bobby offered him a beer. He gratefully took it and leaned against the Impala sipping it slowly. "How's Sam?"

"He's still under, but alive." Bobby sighed.

Dean nodded "Yeah and what about god part deux?"

"I got all kinds of feelers out, but so far… didly." Bobby sounded lost.

"And what exactly are you looking for?"

"Exactly. What? Miracles? Mass visions? Trench coat on a tortilla? I don't know what I'm looking for." Bobby took a long swig of his own beer.

"Well... he'll surface." Dean didn't know what to tell him.

"And what about Zara?" Bobby asked. Dean shook his head. He didn't even know where to start with her. "Are we just going to abandon her?"

"NO!... no." Dean sighed and refused to look Bobby in the eye. Bobby looked at him suspiciously. There was something more to this. "It's just, I'm not sure we should be the ones saving her"

"Why not?"

He struggled to find the right words. "This life… she should get out of it before she gets in too deep. She can still live a normal life. She can still be safe- away from all this." He gestured vaguely with his beer bottle. "If she's with us, she's in danger."

Bobby scoffed. "Her brother sold his soul for her to hop dimensions and she has an ongoing agreement with the King of Hell. I'd say she's already in deep."

"She deserves a normal life- away from the monsters… of this world and her old one."

Bobby agreed but he knew there was more. Dean was hiding something. "Do you have feelings for her?"

"I'm going to ask Balthazar to look for her." Dean avoided the question just like he always did.

Bobby rolled his eyes at Dean. That wasn't obvious at all. "You do that." Bobby started walking away but then paused and turned back around to face Dean. "You just lost Lisa and Ben and I know you're still torn up about it. She doesn't deserve to be your rebound girl." Dean nodded not quite meeting Bobby's eyes again. Bobby muttered something that sounded like, "Idjit" before walking into the garage.

Dean finally decided to take a break from fixing the Impala and was in the kitchen making a sandwich when Sam walked in blearily. "Hey Dean." He mumbled sleepily.

Dean turned and looked his brother up and down trying to see if there was anything wrong. "Oh you're, uh, walking and talking,"

"Yeah. I, uh, put on my own socks… the whole nine." Sam smiled hesitantly. He was trying to look as healthy as he could so Dean wouldn't worry.

"Well that's, uh, I mean, uh, you sure you're okay?" Dean couldn't quite believe his brother's act.

"Yeah my head hurts a little but basically."

"Seriously?"

"Look man in as surprised as you are but… yeah. I swear."

Dean decided to let it go. He pushed away the memory of Zara telling him Sam was sharing his grapefruit with Lucifer. Sam looked okay and, if he said he was fine, Dean would treat him like he was fine. "Good. No reason to put a gift horse under a microscope."

"Yeah… so what happened with Cas? And where's Zara?" Sam looked around expecting to see her around somewhere.

Dean grimaced. "Why don't you come and help me with the car and I'll fill you in." He headed back out to the Impala mumbling something about calling Balthazar too.

"Okay." Sam got up to follow him but he heard shuffling behind him. He turned to see what it was but he didn't see anything. He mentally shrugged and reminded himself to get to Bobby set out some mousetraps before going out to help his brother.

Zara woke up on the middle of the floor in the living room of the cabin. Apparently, Cas actually had done something to the house so she couldn't leave. This was the fifth time she had tried leaving- twice through the door and once through each of the windows in the cabin. Every time she set foot on the ground, she blacked out and found herself back in the living room. She had tried looking for a phone or something she could call the Winchesters on but, even if she had found a phone, she didn't know their number. She couldn't think of a way to get out of this. She had no idea how to do smoke signals and she was sure there was nobody close enough to yell to.

Zara pounded the floor in frustration. She was understandably in a particularly bad mood. She cursed the stupid angel and all of his stupid angel friends. Why couldn't they actually do their jobs instead of trying to take over the world just like every other evil thing here? They were supposed to be the good guys! There were so many power hungry angels it was hard to keep count… Lucifer, Michael, Raphael, Zachariah, Uriel… Cas at the moment. Then there were the angels who just followed orders from the above list. And then there were the ones just out for themselves… Gabriel, Bal- Zara stopped her mental rant in its tracks. Balthazar would help her!

Zara smiled, closed her eyes, and spoke into the quietness of the cabin. "Balthazar… If you can hear me, I could really use your help. And if you followed my advice, then you're probably still alive. You owe me one. So…" She trailed off and opened her eyes. She didn't hear the sound of angel wings in the cabin. Maybe it was stupid to ask the angel for help. Maybe he had been killed by Cas after all. She sighed sadly and stood up to check out the food in the kitchen. As she turned, she noticed something outside the window from the corner of her eye. Zara froze and then cautiously turned to meet the blue eyes of the snarky angel through the window. "Balthazar." She breathed.

She rushed over to the door and opened it- not caring about the cold air that was gusting in. She motioned for Balthazar to come in but he just stood where he was and shook his head sadly. "Why don't you come inside?" She asked, puzzled.

"It's warded." Figures. "I can't get in and, if I tried, Cas would probably find out and kill me. Judging from your last warning, Cas is angry enough to do it and you seem to care that I not die." The sarcastically flirtatious sound of his voice was like music to her ears. He strode over to the doorway and snapped up a wine glass for himself lazily.

"Yes well…" She trailed off embarrassed. She HAD thought his death had come too soon and was glad she had been able to warn him. "I can't leave."

Balthazar's face softened. He couldn't believe that his brother had kidnapped her in the first place. He hadn't known until the Winchesters contacted him earlier that day and he had spent the rest of the time between then and now looking for her. It was nearly impossible to sense her with the warding until she had called out to him specifically. He was so relieved to have found her before anything bad happened. "I wish I could help you Akele."

Her heart sunk. He couldn't help her. And there was that name again. "What does that word mean?" She asked exasperatedly.

"In Enochian it means Daughter of Light." Balthazar said casually leaning on the wooden railing leading down form the door.

"Why do angels call me that? I've only met two of you in person but both you and Cas call me that… even though you've never met me." Zara was really confused about that. She hadn't even been in this dimension before about a week ago.

"It is what you are." Balthazar stated matter-of-factly just as Cas had done.

She was getting tired of the angels evading her questions. "Cas said that too! But what am I?"

"I can't tell you." He said patiently sipping his wine. She could tell he wasn't going to budge on the subject at the moment.

"Argh!" She yelled- frustrated. She pinched the bridge of her nose. She was getting a headache. Why couldn't people just shoot straight with her? "Then I'm not human?"

"Yes and no. It's complicated." Zara glared at him. "I would term it as human plus… Human and much, much more."

"Why can't you just tell me? This roundabout talking is driving me insane!"

Balthazar smiled apologetically. "That is a very closely guarded secret among the higher ups of Heaven. Each one of us that even knows of the existence of one such as you has to earn it."

Zara was getting pretty worked up about this. She started pacing in front of the door angrily. It was her own person for goodness sake! WHAT WAS SHE?

Balthazar sighed loudly and cut her off before she could rant at him. He really couldn't tell her just yet. "I must go before Cassie notices I'm here. Is there anything you want me to tell the bothersome brothers?"

Zara stopped in her tracks. All anger was forgotten in the realization that she was going to be left in the quiet cabin again. "You're going to leave me here? Alone?" she asked in a small voice.

He bowed his head apologetically. "I must. I will be back soon, I promise, and hopefully with a plan to get you out."

She nodded. "What if Cas comes back? Will he hurt me?"

Balthazar looked at her darkly. "He wouldn't dare." And then he was gone.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N Hey guys! I really hope you don't crucify me over this chapter. It's shorter but... well you'll see.

Trigger Warning: Abuse... Sean is in this chapter so ya know... (The very same Sean who I just recently realized is basically just Sam and Dean's names put together... oops. A+ for originality there.)

Chapter 11

"So you're saying you know where she is and you can even talk to her but you can't rescue her?" Dean asked incredulously. His voice echoed around the garage. He was teetering between annoyance and anger with the angel and both emotions boiled down to wanting to punch him in the face.

"Cas has her warded. She can't leave and I can't get in." Balthazar was getting tired of this arrangement. He was really only there for Zara and he didn't want to have to deal with the Winchesters at all. "She's… safe from Cas for now."

Dean threw his hands up in frustration. "Safe? She's is being held captive by an angel who is going insane on super juice. How is she safe?"

"It's complicated Dean." Balthazar sighed.

"Well enlighten me then!" Dean snapped.

Balthazar paused and thought of how to phrase it. "She's… not… entirely human."

Dean's face paled. "WHAT? What is she then?"

Balthazar made a placating gesture. "All you need to know is she is something that Cas wouldn't dare killing. No angel would- no matter how corrupt they were." It was true. Hurting a being like Zara would be treason of the highest order for his kind. Even those who didn't know what she was, knew automatically not to touch her. It was programmed into them.

"But what is she?" Balthazar shook his head. Dean didn't deserve to know what she, herself, didn't know. "Balthazar!"

"Ah ah ah." He tutted. "You enlisted me to find her and make sure she was safe. This has nothing to do with that."

"What does Cas want with her though?" Dean was at a loss for what to do.

"I don't know but I will find out. You need to focus on stopping him from destroying the rest of the world. It will solve both our problems. The wards around the cabin are related directly to him, he is the power source so if he is powerless, I can get her out."

At least he could solve two problems at once if he stopped Cas. "We're working on it." Dean assured him.

"Good." Balthazar nodded at Dean and vanished.

Dean was still mumbling things about stupid angels when Bobby came into the garage with a troubled look on his face. "Hey what's up?" He asked tiredly. Would the hits ever stop coming? He knew that face. "Something wrong with Sam?"

Bobby sighed. "You seen him lately?" Dean nodded. "How is that kid even vertical? I mean Cas broke his damn piñata."

"I know." It was all he really could say.

"I mean I get how he came to help us back at the lab- adrenaline… but now?" Bobby trailed off.

"Well he says he's okay." Dean reasoned.

"But how?" Bobby was looking at all of the tools on the wall as if he could find something there to help his adopted son.

"I don't know. I just pray to God it's true. I mean look at our lives. How many more hits can we take?" Dean was lost. There was nothing they could do. "So if Sam says he's good, good."

"Do you really believe that?" Bobby asked sarcastically.

"Yeah, no. You wana know why?" Dean started ranting. He couldn't help it. "Cause we never catch a break so why would we this time? But just… just this one thing. You know? But I'm not dumb. I'm not gonna get my hopes up just to start kicking the daddy pills again."

Sam walked into the garage and Dean and Bobby quickly changed the subject.

"Oh… how you feeling sport?" Bobby asked awkwardly.

"Great can't complain." Sam shrugged a bit. He seemed fine but Dean could tell by his face that his brother had heard the whole conversation before and his stomach dropped. He wished he could take it back, but it was the truth. They needed a break from all the mayhem and they were not even close to being able to do that.

"So what's the word?" Bobby continued when he realized Sam had brought news.

"Cas." Dean perked up. "He's all over the news today." Sam had brought his laptop and was pulling up news articles. At least he wasn't MIA anymore.

Dean had a sinking suspicion that Cas wasn't on the news for saving kittens though. "What happened?" He started looking through the articles.

"He's gone on some sort of self righteous killing spree. Religious hypocrites, corrupt politicians, motivational speakers…" Bobby trailed off.

Dean was at a loss. Killing spree? Cas? That didn't really sound like him. "Motivational speakers? What does he have against them?"

Bobby sighed. "He's gone off the deep end." That much was obvious.

"What are we supposed to do?" Sam asked.

"He's off the deep end of the deep end and there's no slowing down." Dean seemed defeated looking at murder after murder.

"So what? We try to talk to him again?" Yeah cause that worked out SO well last time.

"Sam-" Dean started.

"Dean, all we can do is try to talk to the guy." Sam reasoned

"Guy?" Dean laughed humorlessly. "He's god and when god gets righteous you get the hell out of the way. Haven't you read the Bible?"

"How else are we going to help Zara?" Bobby asked. "Both of them are our friends! Are we really going to just step back and let them go?"

Dean's expression hardened. "No." He wasn't about to let his friends die. Suddenly, he had a very stupid, very dangerous idea. A grim smile crossed his face. "And now I think I know who we need to talk to."

Later that night, the boys had everything together to call the King of Hell. Dean lit the ingredients on fire and they all waited in tense silence. The demon soon appeared in the middle of the devils trap they had set for him. He turned around quickly to see who had called him away from his lovely evening torturing souls and drinking scotch. He saw the Winchesters and Bobby and cursed under his breath. "No no no!" He tried to walk away but the trap had him… trapped. "Come on." His voice was dripping with annoyance.

"Don't act so surprised." Bobby said.

"My new boss is going to kill me for even talking to you." Crowley hissed.

"You're lucky were not stabbing you in your skuzzy face you little piece of-" Dean spat at him

Sam interrupted. "Wait, what new boss?"

"Casitel you giraffe." For some reason Crowley's accent made him seem even more sarcastic than others.

"…Is your boss?" Bobby asked.

"He everybody's boss!" Crowley yelled. "What do you think he's gonna do when he finds out we've been conspiring?" Crowley trailed off and looked between the men questioningly. "... you do… wana conspire don't you?"

"No we want you to stand there and look pretty." Bobby smirked sarcastically.

"Listening." Crowley offered cheekily.

"We need a spell to bind death." Dean said.

Crowley choked on his scotch. He knew the Winchesters were stupid but he couldn't believe that they could be THAT idiotic and suicidal. "Bind… enslave death?" He scoffed. "Are you having a laugh?" His face fell when he saw they were serious.

"Lucifer did it." Dean offered.

"That's Lucifer." Crowley said. Lucifer was an angel!

"Tell us the spell." Sam ordered. He gave Crowley his best puppy dog face. It always worked on everyone but Dean and sometimes even that was an exception.

Crowley rolled his eyes. "You really think you can handle that kind of horse power? You're delusional."

"Death is the only player on the board left that has the kind of juice to take Cas." Dean reasoned.

"They'll both mash us like peas. Why should I help on a suicide mission?"

"Look," Bobby said, "You really want Cas running the universe?"

Crowley made a face and poured himself another round. These Winchesters may be imbeciles sometimes, but they were the only shot he had at being free of Cas. He took a long swig of his drink and motioned at the devils trap at his feet. "It'll be at your door by morning. Now let me out." Sam went to break the line of the trap. "Oh and another thing, if Cas wins, I had no part of this." Crowley looked pointedly at Dean before disappearing and leaving the humans to wait out the night.

Zara had finally passed out from exhaustion on the sofa in the living room around midnight. It was the warmest room with the fireplace roaring a few feet away. That had taken her a while. While she knew HOW to start a fire, she just couldn't DO it. It took her the better part of an hour to get a small flame but then a gust of wind blew down the chimney and it went out again and so she had to start all over. It took so long that, by the time she had a nice blaze, she was too tired to make any dinner. Hence, why she was now fast asleep on the couch.

Cas appeared in the cabin looking worse for wear. His trench coat was splattered with blood and the skin of his vessel was decaying and burning all over from the strain of keeping all of the souls inside of him. He staggered a little as he landed and leaned against the wall. He was losing control of the stronger beings that he was keeping on a leash. They were speaking to him- telling him it wouldn't be long, wouldn't be long now till they would take over. Yessssss. They would be free soon. It had been so long. Soon they would play… and feast. Your time is almost up Castiel. He shook his head to try and get them out. It was happening more and more now as his vessel decayed.

Cas looked over at Zara's sleeping form. He could do it. He could use her power to heal himself. It would only buy himself a little more time… but that was something… right? The other thing was the fact that, if he did what he was planning, he would be disowned by the angels forever. There was an "all hands off" order on God's first creation. Back when God was still giving angels the orders he might have been killed for even thinking it… but he was god now… right? It didn't matter if the angels were going to be after him for this. They were going to be after him anyway for everything else. What was one more thing?

Cas stepped toward her and she whimpered in her sleep. Some nightmare had gripped her. Curious, Cas touched her forehead and looked into her dream…

"STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!" Smacks punctuated each word. Sean was leaning over Zara who was cornered between the counter and the wall in the kitchen of their little house. He was slapping her roughly. She only made little squeaks each time she was smacked. It was no use crying out. No one would hear and he wouldn't stop until he was done. Cas could tell it was a memory. It was too vivid to be just a nightmare. "HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?"

"I- I forgot." The poor woman whispered.

"BULLSHIT!" He roared. "HOW HARD IS IT TO FORGET TO TAKE A STUPID PILL?" He took a hold of both of her arms and gripped hard enough to leave bruises. "How could you really be idiotic enough to let yourself get pregnant?" His whispering was even scarier than his yelling.

Zara was crying now. The sobs wracked her chest convulsively. "Please Sean…"

Her husband started dragging her out to the car. "We are fixing this right now RaRa. There are things that can be done for this. There's a clinic somewhere close"

Zara's eyes widened and she struggled in his iron grip. "NO!" She screamed. She didn't want to have an abortion. She didn't want to kill her baby. It was the only good thing that had happened to her in years. "Please Sean. Let me have it. At least let me put it up for adoption. Please. Don't make me kill my baby." Sean slapped her and she saw stars. He threw her in the passenger seat of their little Honda Civic and strode over to the driver's side.

The sorrow she felt even in reliving it overwhelmed Cas. He had had enough of this. It was awful what this poor girl had gone through in such a short life. Cas may not have had many human emotions, but he had enough to be moved to help her. He searched frantically for a happier memory in Zara's mind to replace this horrible nightmare… this horrible... memory. He finally found something that would calm her down. He guided her dream to a happier time- a time of catching lightning bugs with her brother. As the nightmare faded into the dream, Cas heard the last echoing words from inside the car.

"I won't..."

"Oh yes you will RaRa, or else I will do it."

Cas pulled himself out of Zara's head. He couldn't do it. He couldn't hurt her after seeing that. He couldn't put her though even more. Cas materialized a blanket to put over her and slowly backed away. He wasn't desperate enough. The voices whispered into his head. Not yet, but you will be, Castiel… You will be.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Just as he had promised, there was a package from Crowley on the doorstep in the morning. Bobby opened it and found the ingredients to a spell. They spent the rest of the day tracking down the ingredients- many were rare and expensive. The last one required them to break into a wealthy family's home to get; which they did and now had the home's occupants zip-tied to chairs in the dining room while they set up in the living room. Dean set out a bag of fast food that they had picked up on the way for Death. For some reason, according to Dean, the uber-powerful being had a passion for fried food.

They finally had everything set up and the boys looked over at Bobby expectantly to say the spell. Bobby sighed. "You sure we want to do this? After I say this, there's no going back. We're about to piss off one of the most powerful people in the universe here."

"Bobby," Dean's voice held a warning in it. "Just say the spell or I will."

Bobby would have much rathered that Death be angry at him for initiating the spell than either of his boys. Without another thought, he started chanting. Soon after, there was a faint rumbling. It grew and grew until there was a full on earthquake. Things were falling off the walls and Sam and Dean were having trouble standing upright without holding onto something. Whatever they were doing was working or at least making Death angry. The man and woman zip-tied to the chairs were whimpering in fear behind the group. Suddenly, everything stopped shaking. They looked around expectantly.

"Uhm… Hello?" Dean spoke into the silence. "Death?"

A strange feeling came over all the humans in the room. It felt like a huge weight had been pressed upon them but, at the same time, they were freer than they had ever been. The faint smell of fried chicken and French fries permeated the air. Death was here. He was dressed in a smart suit and wore an annoyed expression on his wizened, wrinkled face. "You're joking." He rolled his eyes in a particularly immature teenager way.

"I'm sorry. This isn't what it seems." Dean offered awkwardly.

"Seems like you bound me." Death held up his hands showing that they were, in fact, bound with golden chains.

"It's for a good reason. Okay just us hear us out…. Uhm fried pickle chip?" Dean offered him the bag of fast food. "Best in the whole state."

"That easy to sooth me you think? This is about Sam's hallucinations I assume." Bobby and Dean looked over at Sam questioningly. Sam studiously refused to look either of them in the eye. The hallucinations had been getting worse but he hadn't wanted to make Dean worry any more than he already was… the cat was out of the bag now.

"What?" Dean started to ask Sam.

"Sorry Sam- one wall per customer. Now unbind me." Death motioned to his cuffs.

"We can't yet." Sam answered.

"This isn't going to end well." Death warned.

Dean just decided to get on with it. "We need you to kill god."

Death squinted at the Winchesters. "Pardon?"

"Kill god." Bobby restated. "You heard right… your… honor."

"What makes you think I can do that?"

"You told me." Dean accused.

"Why should I?" Death challenged.

"Because… we said so and…. were the boss of you." Dean said childishly. "I mean… respectfully." They were all on eggshells. This was not going as planned and they were dealing with Death after all.

"Amazing" The humans spin around to see that Cas had appeared behind them but this hardly looked like Cas anymore. He was almost entirely covered in burns and peeling flesh. His trench coat was splattered with blood and his right eye was twitching slightly. His whole demeanor showed that he had lost it. He was not the Cas they once knew.

"Cas." Sam breathed taking in his appearance. What had happened to him?

"Where's Zara you little-" Dean stormed over in front of the angel.

"I didn't want to kill you but now…" Cas shrugged apologetically as if he couldn't help but annihilate them.

"You can't kill us." Dean smirked.

"You've erased any nostalgia I had for you Dean." Cas raised his hand to snap them out of existence.

"Death is our Bitch." Dean smirked triumphantly. "We aren't gonna die even if god pulls the trigger."

"Annoying little protozoa aren't they?" Death looked over at Cas. "... god? You look awfully like a mutated angel to me. Your vessel is melting. You're going to explode."

"No I'm not." Castiel reasoned. He still had Zara back at the cabin just in case. "When I've finished my work, I'll repair myself."

"You think you can because you think you're simply under the weight of all those souls, yes?" Death nodded at Cas condescendingly. "But that's not the worst problem. There are things much older than souls in Purgatory and you gulped those in too."

"Irrelevant. I control them."

"For the moment."

"Wait uh what older things?" Dean was getting uncomfortable with this while situation. Weren't they supposed to be the ones running this meeting?

"Long before God created the first men and angels, He created the first beasts- the leviathans." Death sounded like he was telling a bedtime story to a child.

"Leviathans?" Sam asked. He remembered Zara had said something about them.

"I personally found then entertaining but He was concerned that they would chomp the entire Petri dish so he locked them away. Why do you think he created purgatory? To keep those clever poisonous things out. Now Castiel has swallowed them. He's the only thin membrane between the Old Ones and your home."

"Enough." Castiel snapped.

"Stupid little soldier you are." Death sneered.

"Why? Because I dared open a door that he shut? Where is he?" Cas turned around as if He would be there. "I did a service taking his place."

Death scoffed. "Service? Settling petty vendettas?"

"No. I'm cleaning up one mess at after another… selflessly."

"Quite the humanitarian." Death said sarcastically.

"And how would you know? What are you really? A fly swatter?" Cas was pushing his boundaries but he couldn't help it. The voices were getting so loud. They were trying to take over and he wasn't thinking straight anymore.

"Destined to swat you I think."

"Unless I take you first." Cas threatened.

"Really bought his own press this one. Please Cas, I know God; and you sir are no God."

Dean had had enough. "Alright put your junk away, both of you. Call them what you want. Just kill them now."

"Alright fine." Death raised his hand.

Cas was faster though. He snapped and Death's chains fell away.

"Thank you." Death nodded appreciatively at him. "Should we kickbox now? I had a tingle I would be reaping someone very soon." He sat down in a plush chair ans started the pickle chips. He looked over at Dean. "Don't worry not you." Cas disappeared quickly while Death was momentarily distracted. "Well… he was in a hurry."

"Um…" Dean began to become even more uncomfortable with the situation; if that was possible. He had enslaved Death, annoyed him to say the least, and now that Death was free, he could kill them with a flick of his finger all while eating the pickles they had so thoughtfully gotten him.

"Shut up Dean. I'm not here to tie your shoes every time you trip. I warned you about those souls… how long ago?" Death looked up at them. "Long enough to stop that fool and here we are again with your little planet on the edge of annihilation."

"Well I'm sorry, alright." Dean sighed. "I've been trying to save this planet. So maybe you should find someone better to tip off." He was so done with this responsibility. Why must they always be the ones saving the world?

"Maybe I should spend my effort on a better planet." Death stood up and started to walk out. "Well it's been amusing."

Sam jumped toward him. "Wait hold on hold on just- can you give us something? You have to care a little bit about what happens to us." He asked hopefully.

"You know, I really don't… but I do find that little angel arrogant." Death conceded.

"Great." Dean smiled. "Let's go with that."

"Your only hope is to get him to return it all to Purgatory… quickly."

"We need a door." Sam had no idea how they were going to magic up another one of those. It had taken so long to find the last one.

"You have everything you need at that lab. Get him to return there and compel him to give it up." Death stressed the word "compel" as if to imply that they should most definitely use force.

"Compel?" Dean wasn't too sure he wanted to do what that required. He was not about to torture again and definitely not Cas.

"Figure it out."

"But that door only opens in the eclipse and that's over." Bobby spoke for the first time since all of this had started.

"I'll make another." Death sighed. It wouldn't be that hard for someone like him. "3:59 Sunday morning just before dawn. Be punctual." They smiled and he held up a finger to shush them. "Don't thank me. Clean up your mess." He started walking away again and spoke over his shoulder. "Try to bind me again and you'll die before you start. Nice pickle chips by the way." And then, Death was gone.

Zara finally woke up when the cold became too much for her. The fire had gone out sometime during the night and the warmth has slowly seeped out of the cracks in the cabin walls. She had no idea where the blanket had come from but she was grateful for it now because she didn't think there was any more firewood laying around. It wasn't like she could just go out and find some more. She made a mental note to ask Cas for a space heater or something next time he came back… if he came back. Zara hoped she'd be able to get out either way.

Zara was about to call Balthazar to see if he had any news but Cas appeared right in front of her. She jumped back surprised. He looked awful. His face looked like it was melting and he kept twitching as if he was trying to bat away some invisible fly. "Cas?" She asked tentatively.

"The voices. I can't stop the voices." His voice was filled with desperation. He started staggering around the room. "I promised myself last night that I wouldn't, but I have no choice."

Zara started backing away slowly. "What are you talking about Cas? What are you doing?"

He looked straight at her. His eyes were crazed. "I need you. You can stop the voices. You can heal my vessel." He started walking towards her.

Zara's eyes widened. All this time she had thought Cas only needed her for her knowledge of the future or to keep that knowledge away from the Winchesters but now… Apparently Cas needed something else. "No. No. No. You stay away from me Cas." Her back was to the wall now. "Don't touch me… please." She didn't trust him. Whatever he was planning was not going to be good. Cas jerked and black tendrils started spider webbing across the angel's face. "Cas?" What was happening?

"We are not Cas." The being before her started giggling madly. He jerked again. "Please Zara." Cas was fighting to gain control of his own vessel. The leviathans were gaining strength and it wasn't long until he would be entirely overpowered. Jerk. "You seem to have some power. We will take you with us when we overthrow this world." He… they stepped towards her and reached for her. Jerk. "I'm sorry."

As soon as he touched her, a searing pain overtook Zara and she cried out in agony. It felt as if she was being burned from the inside out. A bright light filled the whole cabin. And then, it was gone. Zara slumped to the ground and looked up at Cas fuzzily. "What did you…" His vessel was completely healed. He looked perfectly normal again.

He glanced down at her. "Your assistance was required." His voice was distant and unfeeling again.

Zara could hardly think through the splitting headache that whatever Cas had done gave her. "You won't win." She managed to gasp out. "The leviathans will take over eventually."

Castiel's face had begun to burn and melt again. He was already fighting the voices. They had come back even stronger than before. They already knew his weak points. Zara was right. It was only a matter of time. Her power could only do so much against all the forces of Purgatory. "What should I do?" Zara tried to smile but it turned to a grimace. Everything hurt but it was nice to hear a little of the old Cas was still in there.

"The boys… want to help you, Cas." Zara tried to get up but she couldn't. Her limbs seemed to be weighed down by anvils. This was more than just exhaustion. This was worse somehow. "You are… so much better than this. Just let them help you."

Cas disappeared and Zara felt that she should be hyperventilating but she couldn't. Everything was weighing down on her. What had he done to her? She could hardly move and her head hurt so badly she couldn't think. She tried to crawl over to the window but she just slumped over, her face smashed into the ground. "Bal…" She gasped out. She thought she might have heard the sound of angel wings before she blacked out.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N Hey! Sorry there isn't much Zara in this chapter, though what she is in is important. To those who don't like Balthazar (I haven't seen any who don't so far thank goodness) I'm sorry, but I absolutely love him and he's gonna hang around. Also, since many of you have been asking when Zara and Dean will meet again, that will be next chapter. Your wait it almost over. :)

Chapter 13

"We gotta get on the road. We gotta get Cas to that lab by friggin 3:59 am." Sam was trying his hardest to get Dean to stop drinking and actually DO something about their current situation.

"We don't." Dean looked so defeated.

"What do you mean we don't?"

"I mean we can't bring the horse to water and we can't make the horse drink. Why fool ourselves?" He took a long draw from his whiskey filled coffee cup.

"Dean, I know you think Cas is gone-"

"Cause he is." Dean interrupted.

"He's not. He's in there somewhere, Dean, I know it." Sam was desperate. They had to do something.

"No you don't."

Sam was at a loss. "… No I don't." He admitted. "But look… I was pretty far gone sometimes myself and you never gave up on me." Surely Dean would realize they couldn't just let Cas destroy himself.

Dean turned on Sam accusingly. "Yeah and it turns out that you're about the same open book that you've always been… hallucinations? Really? I gotta find out from Death?"

Sam hung his head a little. "What was I supposed to do?" He asked quietly.

"How about not lie?" Dean threw his free hand in the air. "How about tell me you've got crazy crap crawling up those walls."

"Why? You can't help. You've got a lot of pretty severe crap swinging your way lately and I thought-" Dean swore under his breath. "What? I thought… why burst the one good bubble you had left? It's under control."

"What? What exactly is under control?"

Sam hesitated. "… I know what's real and what isn't."

Dean looked horrified. What was his brother seeing? "Sam-"

"Look… We can deal with this once we get done with Cas."

Dean sighed. It seemed like they were ignoring a lot of important things at the moment: Sam's fruitcake, Zara's captivity, and Zara's brother just to name a few. He knew that Balthazar was keeping an eye on her but he wanted to be able to look for her. That just wasn't possible right now. "Did you see that surveillance footage of Cas in that Senator's campaign office?" Sam nodded. "He friggin smiled. I think reaching Cas is out of the cards."

"Just let me try... one more time." Sam offered. Dean rolled his eyes and Sam took that as a "go ahead." He started to pray. "Hey Castiel, um, maybe this is pointless. Um, I don't know if part of you even cares but, um, I still think you're one of us… deep down and way way way off the reservation. We still have till dawn to stop this. Let us help. Please." To their surprise, Cas appeared across the room from him. He looked even worse than last time, if that was possible. The brothers could hardly believe their eyes, "Cas?"

"Sam. Zara sent me… and I heard your call." He slumped over and Dean lunged to catch him. "I need your help." He mumbled.

"We need the right blood. It's in a jar in a supply closet." Cas was sitting on the floor of the abandoned lab occasionally mumbling to himself.

"Got it." Sam went out the doorway Cas had indicated in search of the jar of blood.

"Dean." Cas grimaced.

"What you need something else?" He asked.

"No… I feel regret." Cas looked pleadingly at Dean. He longed to see andy hint of forgiveness in his face. There was none. "…about you and what I did to Sam… and Zara."

"Yeah well you should." Dean snapped. His brother was really messed up and there was nothing he could do and what the heck did he DO to Zara?! If Cas was anyone else, he would be dead right now.

"If there was time, if I was strong enough, I'd fix him now. I just wanted to make amends before I died…" Cas twitched again. The voices were so loud he could hardly think.

"Okay." Dean said unfeelingly.

"Is it working?" Castiel asked.

"Does it make you feel better?"

"No." Cas sighed. "You?"

"Not a bit." Dean scowled. Cas' face fell even more. What more could he do? He was most likely about to die and his best friend hated him.

"What did you do to Zara?" Bobby asked gruffly.

Sam found the jar of blood exactly where Cas had said it was. He picked it up and turned around to take it back to the lab but he almost dropped the jar in surprise. Lucifer, himself, was standing in front of him. Flashbacks from the pit overwhelmed him and he was having a hard time breathing.

"Hi Sam." Lucifer grinned. "Long time no spooning."

"You're- you're not here." Sam shook his head- trying to get the visions out of his head. "You're in Hell."

"Oh that?" Satan was referring to the Hell part. "You're right on."

"Meat hooks? Chains? You? It's not real. It's just my brain leaking memories from the cage cause of the wall breaking down that's all." Sam was trying desperately to keep it together. His visions hadn't been quite so vivid as this one.

"That's a very good little theory, but it's wrong. Sam, this is not you going guano." Lucifer gestured to their surroundings. "Everything else is."

"What?" Sam tried to rationalize everything. Keep it together, Sam. You can do this. You know the devil isn't really here… Second person? Crap. Next thing you know, you're gonna be talking in third. You're going insane, Sam.

"I have to say, I think this is my best torture yet." The devil's face was filled with glee. "Make you believe you're free and then." He jabbed Sam in the ribs and Sam flinched. "Yank the wool off of your eyes." Lucifer walked behind him and whispered in his ear. "You never left Sam. You're still in the cage with me."

"Akele, what happened?" Balthazar's voice was tinged with worry at seeing Zara passed out on the floor. Her eyes fluttered a little and he breathed. At least she was alive. He stooped down and touched her forehead. It surprised him at how much power it took to heal her and he began to worry again. Her soul had been barely holding on. What had Cas done to her? He had promised Zara that Cas wouldn't hurt her. Balthazar picked Zara up and flew both of them back to Bobby's house. He placed her on the sofa and took a seat off to the side. She should be waking up soon and she'd have questions- questions she deserved to have answered. He sighed. He wasn't sure he wanted to be the one to tell her… But who else would?

Zara jerked awake suddenly. He jumped forward into her view so that she could see that she wasn't alone- that she was in safe hands. She relaxed marginally when she saw that it was Balthazar who was with her and not Castiel. Castiel… What had he done to her? She started tearing up and she covered her face with her hands. "What did he do to me? What is happening? WHAT AM I?" She practically yelled at him.

He sighed. "You're tired, drained, and freezing. You've just been set free from being kidnapped and, if I hadn't come when I did, you probably would be dead. I don't think you're in the best condition to be discussing this."

Zara sobered for a second at the revelation that she had almost died. "You said he wouldn't dare hurt me because of what I am." Her eyes flashed at him. "… but you couldn't have been more wrong. He kidnapped me BECAUSE OF what I am. He hurt me BECAUSE OF what I am. I deserve to know, Balthazar, and you are going to tell me."

She deserves to know... He got up and sat on the coffee table in front of her, knee to knee. "What I am about to tell you is a fiercely guarded secret among my kind."

"You told me."

He tutted at her. "Don't interrupt." She made a face but stayed quiet. "You are familiar with the story of Creation?"

She remembered going to a little Baptist church down the road from her sometimes as a child. She remembered the Bible stories but they had just been stories to her. "The whole God created the world in 7 days thing?" She asked skeptically. "I never really believed it."

Balthazar smirked. Leave it to Zara to be a skeptic about God and the Bible while she was speaking to an Angel of the Lord. "Yes, well, the creating was done in 6 but that isn't the point. Dad did all of that by just speaking things into existence. The first day He spoke light into existence, the second sky, the third earth, and so on. These words were so powerful and created so much that they splintered off into different manifestations of themselves."

"I don't get where you're going with this." She stated impatiently.

"I'm getting to it. Just hush for a minute. Because of this splintering of the words, different things were gifted with its power. It's random and scattered now but there are still remnants of these words floating around."

"That doesn't make any sense. What does this have to do with me?"

Balthazar's patience was waning. "Just listen. You asked me what Akele means and I told you it meant Daughter of Light which is almost exactly what you are."

"But you said I was human. How can I be this 'Daughter of Light' or whatever and be human too?"

Balthazar realized he wasn't going to be able to keep her from interrupting him. Why even bother? "Light has many forms, Akele. You're human but somewhere along the way your soul was imbued with a splinter of the Word of Light. You are in a sense, light in human form."

She sat quiet for a minute trying to process what that meant. She didn't really get it. "How do you know I'm… one of these things?"

"You are a physical manifestation of the Word of God. Angels are specifically attuned to things like that."

"Are there… others like me?"

He chuckled. "Ever heard of Mother Nature? That's not just a myth."

Mother Nature? Really? She rolled her eyes. "Right. And where is she now?"

Balthazar looked away sadly. "Gone."

Zara's mind began spinning even more. Gone… Did someone kill her? Wait… Someone like her was probably pretty rare. That was bad news in this world… very, very bad. She stood up and started pacing. "Well this is fan-freaking-tastic." She mumbled.

"What?"

She started to rant. "So I'm an uber-rare human 'Word of God' whatever. Great. Just great." Her voice was dripping with sarcasm. "Plus I've just gotten thrown into a world where there are monsters everywhere. The big bads of this world are always looking for rare blood and species and crap for spells and I'm guessing Word of God blood is basically an anomaly. The angels, who are basically all corrupted and power hungry or stupid drones for those who are, can inherently sense what I am and will be after me just as much if not more than all the others."

He opened his mouth to argue that last point but then he stopped. Cas had taken advantage of her. What was stopping the others? Some sense of honor that they had lost ages ago? Balthazar had been away from most of the angels for so long that he didn't know how they acted any more.

"No just no." She stopped pacing and heaved a huge sigh. "Balthazar I need to think for a while. You just dropped a bomb on me and I need to process. Just go. Please." He nodded and flew to Bobby's porch to keep watch. He'd give her time. He'd make sure she was safe. It was his duty and he would do his duty even if the other angels wouldn't.

"Hang in there just a couple of minutes." Bobby reassured Cas who had collapsed on the floor. "Where's Sam? It's go time."

Sam hadn't returned with the jar yet and it was getting dangerously close to the eclipse. Dean left to go look for him. The jar of blood was exactly where Cas had said it was. Sam on the other hand, was nowhere to be found. "Sam?" No answer. "Damn it." He cursed- picking up the jar and heading back to the lab. Normally he would drop everything and look for his brother but they were on a time crunch. If they didn't do this now, Cas could explode and take the whole world with him. Sam was a big boy. He could take care of himself right? He handed the jar to Bobby and they made quick work of drawing the symbol as Cas directed.

Dean helped his friend stand up in front of the portal. Cas was too weak to stand on his own so Dean put his arm around him in support. He might not be on the best of terms with Cas and was justified in his anger but he wasn't about to just let his friend do this alone. Bobby began chanting and the blood on the wall began to glow. Any minute now and the eclipse would be upon them. Cas straightened up and pushed Dean back. He had to do this on his own. He looked back at Dean. "I'm sorry… for everything." He turned back to face the portal and he jerked spasmodically. His back arched and a stream of light went from him into the now open portal. All those souls, all that power, drained from Cas back into Purgatory.

As quickly as it started, it was over. The portal and the light were gone. Cas slumped to the floor. "Cas?" Dean asked.

Bobby knelt down and felt for a pulse- nothing. "He's cold."

"Is he breathing?" Dean asked.

"No."

"Maybe angels don't need to breathe." Dean reasoned hopefully- not able to accept that Cas could be dead. Of course, nothing was ever that easy. Nothing good ever happened in Dean's life.

"He's gone, Dean." Bobby didn't want to give him hope where there wasn't any.

"Damnit Cas." Dean cursed. "You child. Why didn't you listen to me?" Suddenly, Cas' wounds were healed. His face was no longer open and melting and his clothes were once again pristine. "Cas?" Dean's face brightened. Some good things did happen. Cas' eyes shot open and he sat up quickly. "Hey… Hey." Dean helped him up.

Bobby breathed a sigh of relief. "Easy there."

"I'm alive." Cas commented unbelievingly. He seemed perfectly fine- as if nothing had happened.

"Looks like it."

"I'm astonished." Cas tilted his head. "Thank you, both of you." He nodded at Bobby.

"We were mainly just trying to save the world." Bobby shrugged.

"I really overreached."

Dean's eyes flashed at Cas. "You think?" He asked sarcastically.

"Somehow I'll find a way to redeem myself." Cas looked at Dean pleadingly. He didn't want to be on bad terms.

Dean refused to give him the satisfaction. He was still and at him for a lot of things. "We gotta get you cleaned up. Come on." Dean started to leave the room.

"I mean it Dean." Cas' face went from contrite to confused. Something wasn't right.

Dean was facing the door and didn't notice that something was wrong. "Okay. Alright lets go find Sam."

Cas grimanced and doubled over. Something was REALLY wrong. The voices whispered to him. Did you think it would be that easy to get rid of us? Silly angel. We control you now. Cas groaned. The leviathans were still there. He couldn't hold them back for much longer. He pushed Dean and Bobby towards the door. "You need to run now! I can't hold them back."

Dean looked back at him bewildered. What could've changed so fast? "Hold who back?"

"They held on inside me. Dean… they're so strong." He looked up at them helplessly.

"Who the hell-" Bobby started.

"Leviathan!" Cas yelled. He jerked around. "I can't fight them! Run!" His head twitched to the side. Not long now- they hissed in his head.

"Go find Sam!" Dean told Bobby. He shuffled out of the room quickly and Dean took a tentative step towards the twitching angel.

Cas gave one last jerk and then stood up straight- a playful grin on his face. "Too late!" He practically sang.

"Cas?" Dean asked.

"Cas is… hmmm." He tilted his head but it wasn't like he usually did. His entire bearing seemed off with that maniacal grin on his face. "He's gone… We run the show now." Cas flicked a finger and Dean was flung across the room. Bobby had just come back into the room and was flung against a wall as well. Black tendrils began creeping along Cas' neck. "Well this is going to be sooo much fun." He let out a little laugh.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N This is short but I feel like this scene needs to be by itself. I hope it lives up to your expectations...

Chapter 14

Zara woke to the sound of the front door slamming. Somewhere in the front of the house she could hear Dean talking to someone- presumably Sam and Bobby. "You get some rest. I need to stay up for a while." Zara could hear Bobby and Sam head to their respective rooms and quiet down quickly. They must be exhausted.

She padded slowly into the kitchen where she saw Dean downing a shot of whiskey. His back was to her but she could see the tension in his shoulders. He threw the glass down and it shattered in the corner making Zara jump. She probably should have retreated and let Dean cool off by himself but she just couldn't. After all that had happened to her right now, what with being kidnapped and everything else, she needed to talk to someone. She needed Dean. If that was an angry Dean, so be it.

Zara leaned against the door frame. "Tough night?"

Dean rounded on her quickly- aiming a gun at her. He hadn't noticed anyone come up behind him in his distracted state. He lowered the gun as soon as he saw who it was though. Several emotions passed over his face in mere seconds: anger, fear, hurt, loss, then relief, joy… something else? She didn't know. "Zara?" He asked unbelievingly. He rushed over and gave her fierce hug, one for comfort, and two to see if she was actually real. He sighed deeply when he felt that she was, in fact, corporeal. Zara wasn't missing. He could stop worrying that Cas had done something awful to her. "Where did you go? How did you get back? Are you okay? Did he hurt you?" The questions tumbled out- all of his own concerns forgotten for an instant. The role of protector was so ingrained in him that his problems didn't matter in the moment.

Zara instantly relaxed into the hug. She didn't realize exactly how much she needed this until now. "Where does one begin the story of their kidnapping?" She gave a dry laugh and extracted herself from his embrace so that she could talk to him face to face. "Cas took me to a cabin in the woods somewhere. Balthazar got me out." She didn't care to answer the other questions.

"But are you okay?" Dean pressed- sensing that there was more to it than Zara's short, dry description.

She snorted. Other than nearly dying and finding out I'm not human? "Balthazar patched me up fine. I'm good as new now, so don't you worry."

Dean's face darkened. "I'm gonna kill Cas." He paused. He couldn't kill Cas. Cas was already dead.

Zara noticed the change in him. "Do you want to talk about it?" She asked tentatively. She walked over and hopped up onto the counter- looking at him expectantly.

"But you already know what happened." He reasoned.

"Yes. But you can either brood about it here, by yourself, or you can talk it out. I'll listen- no interruptions. It's probably healthier that way." She half joked- thinking about how Dean always kept everything inside. It might help him a lot to have someone to talk to that wasn't Sammy; someone who knew already and was just willing to listen.

"Cas is dead." Dean blurted out brokenly. He looked at her to see if she was surprised for some reason but she wasn't. "He got rid of the souls but the Leviathans stayed and they took over. They killed him. They're out God knows where, doing God knows what, and now we most likely have to stop another world takeover. Why can't any of these mega powerful creatures be on our side for once? Once! That's all I ask." Dean was on a roll now. "And if that wasn't enough, I found Sam in some back room rocking and mumbling something about still being in the cage like he's completely out of his mind!" Zara hopped off the counter and went over to Dean- putting her arms around him in another comforting hug. He put his arms around her waist and buried his face in her hair. "My best friend is dead and my little brother is going insane and I just- I just don't know what to do. I feel so helpless Zara. What do I do?"

Zara rubbed his back. "You fight, Dean Winchester. You fight because that's what you do and I can help you because I happen to know things." Dean leaned back and looked her in the eyes hopefully. She smiled. "For starters, Cas is alive." Dean's eyes widened. "He'll resurface in a month or so and heal Sam." Zara decided to leave out the bad stuff that went along with all that for now. "And we need to stock up on Borax. It's like acid to Leviathans." Dean gaped at her in surprise. "We can fix this, Dean. It will get better."

Zara quickly noticed how close they were- practically nose to nose in their embrace. Her cheeks reddened slightly. Dean graciously made a little cough and let her go. "I- uh… That's great." He let out a long breath. His emotions were still all over the place. Zara had given him a bit of a whiplash in her attempt to calm his fears. He headed over to the fridge and grabbed a few beers. He needed some dulled senses for a while until he could process everything. "I could really go for a couple of drinks right now. Care to join me?" He offered her a beer which she gratefully took.

After all that had happened, she could go for a few hours of carefree drinking too. "Better grab a couple more." She sighed. They plundered Bobby's fridge and set up camp on the couch. Zara was curled up under a large quilt nursing a Budweiser. Dean plopped down next to her and threw his feet onto her lap. He waggled his eyebrows at her cheekily- daring her to push them off. She just rolled her eyes. He had been through a rough day. "At least take your shoes off, Dean. There's still mud and who knows what else all over them." He kicked them off and popped open another can of the good stuff- almost chugging half of it in one go and then letting out an impressive belch.

Zara snorted at his childish antics. She knew he was trying his hardest to make both of them forget the past 48 hours and she appreciated the effort. Usually, watching Supernatural was her escape from reality, but now? This was her reality… "I'm guessing Bobby doesn't get BBC on his TV now doesn't he? I need to start introducing you to quality shows- much better than Dr. Sexy."

Dean had zoned out for a second. "Huh?"

"Never mind." Everything would be reruns for her anyway- being 3 years behind- and that was IF they even showed here. They were silent for a few minutes- doing their best to drink their worries away. It was almost surreal for Zara. Everything had happened so fast. Not three weeks ago, she was patching up her latest scars while listening to Dean on TV and today… today she was sitting on a couch drinking beer with him. Suddenly, she had been thrown into this world of monsters and mayhem and she was somehow part of all of it. In the brief time she had been there, she had been kidnapped once- no twice- and almost killed because she was some human-word hybrid. It was insane! Completely and utterly insane. She hadn't asked for this to happen. She tried as much as she could to put on a brave face but deep down she was absolutely and utterly terrified.

"Zara?" Dean's concerned voice snapped her out of her mini panic attack. At some point, she had leaned over and put her face in her hands- breathing fast and hard. Dean was rubbing circles into her back. She let out a slow breath in an attempt to calm down. "Are you okay?"

"I don't want to talk about it." She snapped at him. He jerked back his hand- afraid of setting her off. She immediately felt bad. He was only trying to help and she was biting his head off. "I- I'm sorry. It's not your fault." She nestled into his side and leaned her head on his chest. He put his arms around her and started stroking her hair with one hand absentmindedly.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked- offering to her what she had given not thirty minutes ago.

"Nope." She smirked. Zara knew that she was doing exactly what Dean always did- drink his feelings and ignore the problem- but she seriously COULD NOT deal with this right now. He nodded and kissed the top of her head. He wasn't going to pry if she wasn't ready. He knew exactly what she was feeling even if he didn't know why. Sometimes you just need someone to hold you and so that's what he did. Just as the sun was about to break over the horizon, Zara drifted off. She might have been mistaken, but she thought she heard a little "I missed you, Zara. I'm so glad you're okay." right before she fell asleep in his arms.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Zara woke up the next morning to a pounding hangover. Both she and Dean had passed out on the couch sometime in the early morning but apparently he had still woken up earlier than her. She was now alone on the couch with the blanket draped neatly over her. Blearily, she got up and wandered into the kitchen where Dean was nursing a cup of coffee. He wordlessly handed her a cup and she sank down into a chair at the table.

"How's Sammy doing?" She asked after a few minutes.

"I haven't woken him up yet." He said dryly. "And don't let him hear you say that. He doesn't like it."

She smirked. "That doesn't stop you." They were silent for a while longer. "He's not going to be okay when he wakes up. Lucifer is going to be waltzing around in his head and it's not going to be pretty."

Dean nodded. "I know. But you said that Cas would make him better and you know where to find him. Or… better yet, Balthazar is hanging around somewhere. He could patch Sam up and he'd be fine today."

Zara shook her head. "It's not that easy unfortunately. Sam's healing is somewhat… unconventional." Dean quirked an eyebrow questioningly. "Fine I'm just going to out and say it. Cas is going to come back feeling like he needs to pay for his past wrongs. I know you would probably say at this point that he deserves it but that's beside the point. Cas can't just put a wall up in Sam's mind. He has to take the memories onto himself. Cas is going to go insane and you leave him in a mental hospital with Meg-"

"Meg?!" Dean interrupted. Meg was a demon they messed with years back. He thought they would never see her again.

Zara sighed. "That doesn't matter right now. Focus."

"Like hell Meg coming back doesn't matter. What? Are you crazy?" Dean started pacing around the table.

"Dean!" He stopped. "Just listen. Meg doesn't matter right now. She's not a threat." He started mumbling under his breath something she recognized. "ARE YOU FREAKING TRYING TO EXORCIXE ME RIGHT NOW DEAN WINCHESTER?!" Zara bolted up and stared him in the face. He didn't look sorry. Frankly she wouldn't have been either considering what she was saying but she was fed up with being mistrusted and ignored. The righteous anger was just building up inside of her. All she had been doing since getting here was try to help them and if they could just see... She held out her hand. "Knife."

He looked at her confusedly. "Wha-"

"Knife." She said forcefully. He wouldn't give it to her so she just grabbed it out of his pocket and slid it across her arm in one fluid motion. Blood bubbled up but it didn't burn her. Dean quickly grabbed the knife out of her hand- stunned at her outburst and started looking for something to stop the bleeding. She stared at him defiantly and started chanting in a firm voice. "Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica potestas…" Her gaze challenged him with every word she spoke- daring him to stop her. While she was speaking, she grabbed the salt shaker off of the table and sprinkled some on herself.

Dean sighed. "You can-"

Zara spoke over him. "…omnis incursio infernalis adversarii, omnis legio, omnis congregatio…" Blood was dripping from her arm onto the floor but she didn't care.

"Zara-"

"…et secta diabolica, audi nos."

"Are you done?" Dean asked. He felt bad that he had made her feel the need to do all that just to prove a point. He held out a towel for her to wrap her arm in- she had cut much deeper than she probably should have in her anger. Zara ignored the towel and pushed past him to get to the first aid kit under the sink. As she got the bandages out, Dean stepped forward to help her but she just gave him a look that said "stay away" and held her arm out of his reach. He made a little exasperated grunt before retreating back to the table to clean up the blood from her episode.

By the time she had patched herself up, she had let go of most of her anger. She spoke quietly- meeting his gaze. "I'm not a vampire, a shape shifter, or a werewolf. I'm not a demon. I'm not a ghost or poltergeist. I've just demonstrated all of that to you. I'm not an angel- but you can cut me with the angel blade if you are so inclined. And I'm not a Djinn, witch, or goddess. I honestly don't remember how to test for those but I would if I did. I am not your enemy. I have not, that I can think of, outright lied to you. I have tried to help you as much as I can. So, can you just… for once… trust me?" Sometime during her speech, she had gotten right up in Dean's face. She realized uncomfortably that had been happening a lot lately but she wasn't about to back down; it would show weakness.

Dean smiled a little. "You are a piece of work. You know that?" She scowled at being patronized but he continued- putting his hands on her shoulders and looking into her golden eyes. "I trust you a lot more than you think- a lot more than I probably should in all honesty. But I can't be too careful. I'm a hunter and old habits die hard. I'm not all too crazy about your trust of Meg but… I'm listening."

He motioned for her to continue explaining but she wasn't in the mood anymore. Zara's eyes fell on the completed journal she had left on the kitchen table several days before. She realized that it probably wasn't something she should leave lying around- making a mental note to keep it on her person at all times from now on. She picked it up and turned to the section they were in at the moment and handed it to Dean. "Read the next three pages." She said tiredly. "Don't read any further though."

Dean accepted the journal gratefully- glad he didn't have to deal with making her angry again, which was likely since it seemed her emotions were all over the place. "Why can't I read any more than that?"

Zara's mind flashed back to Bobby's death. They couldn't know, not yet anyway. "Spoilers, Dean Winchester. If you really trust me, don't. Knowing too much of your future will only complicate things." He nodded and started reading while Zara kept a watchful eye.

"Sammy." Dean was trying to wake Sam up gently but he seemed to be deep in sleep. Suddenly, Sam jerked up. His eyes were wild and haunted for a second before they rested on Dean's face. As soon as he saw his brother, he visibly relaxed. "Sammy. That's 12 hours. I'm calling that rested. Uh, here… hydrate and, uh, protein…-ate." He handed him a bottle of water and a protein bar. Sam took it gratefully and Dean pulled up a chair so that he could examine the cut Sam had gotten at the lab. It was only two nights before, but it seemed like ages had passed since then.

Bobby walked up from behind Zara and handed Dean a bottle of alcohol to clean Sam's hand and then retreated to sit on the desk at a safe distance. It usually wasn't a good idea to get in between the brothers when they were nursing wounds. Sam hissed a little when it was poured on him but Zara could tell he wasn't really focusing on that. He was being distracted by something on the other side of the room. She looked at where he was staring but there was nothing there but an old rickety chair. Then chills went up her back. She knew what he was looking at- his Lucifer hallucinations would be going full force now.

"How are you doing? Are you okay?" Dean had finished with his hand and he leaned back to get a good look over his brother. There were no other physical injuries but that didn't mean there weren't mental ones.

"I'm not okay." Sam looked Dean straight in the face. He was done acting like everything was fine. He needed help and he knew it. Sam got distracted by something behind Dean and Dean had to snap in front of his face to get him to focus again.

"Tell me what's happening. I want to hear it from your mouth, not Zara's." She snorted but kept quiet. She knew Sam wouldn't tell him anything she hadn't already said, but she understood that Dean had to hear Sam say it just to be sure.

"It's not just flashbacks any more."

"More like?" Dean prompted.

"More like… I'm seeing through the cracks."

"What does that mean?"

Sam sighed. "It means I'm having a difficult time figuring out what's real."

Dean's eyes widened. "Hallucinations?"

"For starters… but now it's getting more specific."

Dean's fears and Zara's warnings were both true. "Lucifer."

Sam nodded. "He says that all if this-" He gestured around them. "-is a hallucination- that I'm still in the cage and this is just some new kind of torture. I don't know what around me is the real thing and what isn't anymore."

Dean stood up and started pacing. "What the hell, Sam? How do you argue with that?"

Sam looked up at him dejectedly. "You don't."

Bobby piped up. "Why would the devil holo-deck you a whole new life when he could just kick you around the cage?"

"He says-" Sam looked at thin air and acted like he was quoting someone. "-because you can't torture someone that has nothing left to take away."

"Okay but this Malibu dream house he creates for you is this post-apocalyptic mess?" Dean looked around incredulously.

"It had to be a mess- or else he wouldn't believe it was his life." Zara quoted what she remembered Lucifer saying just then. She couldn't help herself. Sam looked between her and what he thought was Lucifer wide eyed and nodded. She had quoted him word for word.

Dean finally noticed that Sam seemed to be having a conversation aside from this one and he did a double take when he realized he really was looking at thin air. "Wait are you seeing him right now?" Sam nodded- the sad puppy look making him seem sadder than ever. "You know that he's not real- right?"

Sam sighed. "He says the same thing about you."

"Do you need anything?" Zara offered Sam a peanut butter and banana sandwich. She knew PB&B was his favorite, which made it more concerning when he just shook his head dejectedly. Dean and Bobby were trying their best to research something to help Sam deal with things- psychology, lore, spells, anything really. Sam was just sitting on the couch staring into space. She sat next to him and turned his head so he would look at her. "Hey… Sam." He twitched as Lucifer presumably shouted in his ear. "You need to eat."

He took the sandwich and started to eat mechanically. He relaxed marginally as he started into the second half. The sandwich really was good. "Thanks."

Zara's heart broke. He was going through so much right now. The least she could do was be there for him. "Do you want to talk about it? Cause I've actually seen what you're going through."

Sam shook his head. "It wouldn't make much difference. He's not going to stop." His eyes kept shifting to the space next to her.

"When we find Cas, he'll heal you." She reassured him.

"But at what cost? He wasn't able to heal me before, so what is he going to do now that will make it better?"

Zara bit her lip. "He…" She trailed off.

"Tell me Zara. I need to know."

She closed her eyes and spoke quietly. "He goes insane."

Sam leaned back- conflicted. "I'm not sure I want to do that to Cas."

Zara squeezed his shoulder. Even after all Cas had done to him, he still didn't want to hurt him. "We'll cross that bridge when we get there I guess."


	16. Chapter 16

A/N Hope y'all like Balthazar is all I'm saying.

Chapter 16

Zara sat down with Dean and Bobby at the kitchen table. Sam was in the living room field stripping his guns. They were all glancing at him uneasily.

"Again why aren't we asking Balthazar to help Sam?" Dean asked Zara.

She was about to answer but she was interrupted by the sound of angel wings right behind her. "-Because curing him would mean I get stuck in a mental ward, which I'm not too inclined to do." Balthazar put a hand on Zara's shoulder. "I trust you are feeling much better now, love?" She smiled up at him and nodded.

"You self-serving bastard!" He was angry that the angel wouldn't help Sam but he was also uncomfortable with Balthazar touching her. "What about Cas? He doesn't deserve that either!" Dean spat at him.

Balthazar pretended to be offended. "I'm not entirely self- serving… some of the time. In fact, I happen to have just recently acquired a new assignment."

"Which is…" Bobby prompted.

"I've been reinstated as a guardian angel." He tapped Zara on the head indicating her and her eyes went wide. The three humans gaped at him unbelievingly. Balthazar was a guardian angel? Guardian angels existed? Balthazar shifted uncomfortably in the awkward silence. "So…" He gave a little cough. "I need to put my charge's needs before Sam's. It wouldn't do Zara any good if I have to protect her from a psych ward now would it?" He smirked again and nudged Zara.

"You're- You're a guardian angel?" Zara couldn't quite get her head around that. "You're MY guardian angel?"

He gave a little bow and a flourish. "At your service."

That seemed to Dean's face was beet red now. "Who did you get that order from? What makes them think we can't protect her?" Those dick angels had no business meddling with her.

Balthazar scoffed. "Guardian angels haven't been around for nearly thirty years. We don't get orders anymore. Hence, why I've been doing whatever I want for that long. But Zara happens to be a very important person and she already got kidnapped twice under your care in that many weeks. I decided I should probably retake my duties in this special case."

"No offence, Zara, but why is she so special?" Bobby asked. "And why don't Sam and Dean have one? I mean, with everything they've done in the past few years you would think-"

"Zara just is. And they did have a guardian. All high priority souls do." Balthazar gave him a pained expression. "The Winchester's guardian angel died, unfortunately. Our order was hunted down and killed after God left Michael and Raphael in charge. They didn't want us to get in the way of their plans. She was the first of many to fall. I'm sorry, Dean. Ari'el was my... friend." Dean looked stricken. He had an angel? What might have happened if his angel hadn't died? Would his mother be still alive? –His father?

"How did you escape?" Zara asked.

"I was… far away at the time. I wasn't able to return until long after everything had happened." Balthazar looked somber. It was a touchy subject for him. All of the siblings who were closest to him had died in the carnage. He was alone. "So I laid low -kept out of trouble." He continued- trying to push away those disturbingly human emotions.

Bobby's phone started ringing and he excused himself from the table.

Everyone else was talking at the table but Sam couldn't join them. He couldn't bear all the sad looks. He couldn't take the compassion when it could just be some new torture from Lucifer. He was with him even now- leaning on the table admiring Sam's work on the guns. Every so often he would make a little comment on something, a little smudge, a particularly shiny gun, - anything to give Sam a little reminder that he was still there. Every time Sam would begin to feel normal again- that maybe Lucifer was just a dream that would pass, the devil would poke him. Sam always jumped. It felt so real, it couldn't be a hallucination. That was how it was in his head now. The same cycle of hope and then despair and he was just sinking deeper and deeper.

He couldn't take it anymore. He just needed a walk. Maybe the fresh air would help. "Don't forget to take a gun, Sammy." Lucifer handed him a handgun. Yeah. A gun. Don't go anywhere without a gun. Sam didn't know when he had started following the devil's suggestions but he was sounding more and more rational. Why wouldn't he take a gun to walk around the property…

Something was bothering Dean though."You said yourself you don't get orders anymore. So you just decided you were going to be Zara's own personal stalker? -Without even asking her? You sicko." Dean had stood up and gotten Balthazar's face.

The guardian angel looked offended and slightly angry and the ungratefulness of the puny human before him. He was, after all, offering to watch over of someone Dean cared about. "I came here to ask Zara about what she thought of the arrangement. This isn't your choice, Dean. It's her's." They were staring daggers at each other now and Zara decided to butt in before the testosterone in the room overwhelmed them and started a fight.

She stood up from the table and pushed between them. "Alright boys, zip your pants up and cut the macho crap." She gave Dean an odd look. Yeah, she knew that Dean felt the responsibility to protect her for some reason ever since she had blundered into his life (she didn't have the time to dwell on why at the moment), but he just wasn't being rational. She turned to the angel. "Balthazar, can we talk about this in private?"

"Sure-"

"No." Dean growled.

Zara rounded on him. "You have no right to tell me what to do Dean!" He looked hurt but she didn't care. He was being ridiculous. It wasn't like he could protect her all the time with what he did. Why was he so against having another angel on their side? –one that wasn't a complete dick even and hadn't almost ended the world on multiple occasions like SOME angels. "This place is friggin' dangerous and I happen to think that a little extra protection isn't a terrible idea. So I'm going to act like a responsible adult and talk to Balthazar about this because he happens to be one of the angels on the very short list of people I trust in this world."

Dean slowly unclenched his jaw. He wasn't about to tell her that he didn't want anyone else protecting her just because he wanted to do it. He didn't want to tell her why… He just didn't want to admit that he wasn't enough. "You hurt her and I'll kill you." He handed Zara his angel blade. "Or she will."

Balthazar rolled his eyes. "Always so dramatic, Dean. Not three days ago you were begging me to find her."

Zara sheathed the blade through a belt loop. "Thanks Dean." She gave him a kiss on the cheek gaining a mildly surprised look from Dean. "I'll be back soon. I promise."

Dean just nodded dazedly and watched as Balthazar touched her shoulder and they vanished. Sometime during their conversation, Bobby had left. There was a note on the fridge that read: "Got a call from Jody just like Zara said. Don't worry; I'm stocked up on Borax. Make sure Sam doesn't fly the cuckoo's nest. I'll call if I need backup. -Bobby." Dean cursed. They weren't planning on Bobby going in alone. They had to go help him. He went into the living room to grab Sam and his heart stopped. Sam wasn't there.

Zara and Balthazar teleported outside a little coffee shop called Kaffeine. They were in a big city somewhere. A large, red double-decker bus rumbled down the rain-slicked street behind them. Ah. London. Zara smiled. She had always wanted to go to London. "This wasn't what I was expecting."

Balthazar ushered her into the little shop. "Where were you expecting me to take you? A dark dungeon or an abandoned warehouse? I happen to have much more refined tastes than many of my kind. We-" He grimaced. "I know more about the wants of humanity than the rest of the angels. It comes with the job."

She glanced at him appreciatively. Truthfully, she kinda had expected something like that. "This is really nice. Thanks Balthazar. I needed something normal."

They got some drinks and scones and sat down at the window seats so they could look out at the busy city street. "So… guardian angel…" Zara started awkwardly. "I honestly never took you for the guardian type."

Balthazar coughed. "Yes, well." He shrugged. "I never was very good at it."

"Then why do you want to be mine?"

"I owe you my life." He said bluntly. "It may not seem like it, but I do have a sense of honor about things like that. Also, being the last of something does give you a sense of nostalgia."

"Like the Doctor…" Gosh, why did she say that? Zara groaned internally. Being in England of all places was bringing out her inner fangirl.

Balthazar just chuckled. "Doctor Who? I see you do have a good taste in television. But no. I'm not a super hero. I do not save worlds. And I'm not looking for a companion."

"What are you looking for then? What are you getting out of this?"

Balthazar sighed. "Redemption? Purpose? I don't know." He shrugged. "All I know is, all of my garrison is dead and I should be dead too. Twice now, in fact. I'm doing this in honor of my friends and because you saved my life."

She didn't know how to answer that but she thought she understood. "How's this going to work Balthazar? Are you going to just follow me around all the time? Cause I'm not okay with that."

He choked on his coffee. "No! No, goodness no." She relaxed a little. That was a relief. "I'm not some pervert. I'll just keep my ears on. I won't get involved in your business unless you call for me or you're in major danger. Being your guardian angel just means I will always come when you call no matter what I'm doing in the moment. I'll check in on you from time to time, make sure you're not getting into too much trouble. I'll be your angelic big brother if you will. I don't plan on getting in between you and Dean like he seems to think."

Zara looked at him confusedly. "There is nothing between me and Dean."

"Right…" Balthazar gave her a look. Could she really be so blind? He studied her for a second. Maybe she could. It was understandable, all things considered, that she wouldn't be thinking romantically lately. "This decision is entirely up to you, Zara. I am merely offering my services- protection. Also, I can offer more insight into what you are if you so desire. Does that sound acceptable to you?"

Zara nodded. "That doesn't sound so bad… So that's it? I just have a guardian angel now? There's no pagan ritual or something?"

He rolled his eyes. "No. No rituals. This isn't some sacrilegious rite- just an agreement. But we should think about getting you some anti possession and detection sigils. Best not do that here though." Zara smiled. She had been wanting to get some more tattoos but Sean didn't like them. She was lucky he didn't make her get rid of the ones she already had. She was silent for a bit. "So was that a yes?" He looked at her uncertainly.

Zara tried to think of all the pros and cons of this situation. Honestly, the pros majorly outweighed the cons considering where she was and what she was. "Yeah. It's a deal."

Balthazar smiled. "Good." He was about to say something else but he got distracted.

"What is it?" She asked.

"We should probably go. Dean's calling… loudly." He squinted as if he had a headache. "Fine. Fine. We're coming." He muttered. He held out his hand to Zara and she took it before they disappeared.


	17. Chapter 17

A/N Hoped you liked the new development with Balthazar! More to come with him later.

Chapter 17

Dean was in the Impala racing around the town trying to find Sam. Zara had said that Sam might try and run off but they thought that they could make him stay. She didn't even tell him where Sam would be since they thought they could handle it. Then everything happened with Balthazar and they both forgot just in time for Sam to escape. He cursed Balthazar for everything even though it wasn't really his fault. It felt nice to blame somebody and he wasn't on Dean's good side what with the whole, "I'm Zara's guardian because you aren't enough" thing.

"Damn it, Balthazar! Get your feathery ass back here now! Both you and Zara need to be in this car by the time I-" The sound of an angelic entrance sounded behind him.

"Calm down, Dean. We were hardly gone long enough to do anything but snog in the bushes." Balthazar said cheekily.

Dean cast an anxious glance at the review mirror to make sure they were both there. Zara was sitting right next to Balthazar and, when she heard the comment, she punched him in the arm playfully. He winced just to humor her and let out a little laugh. Dean raised an eyebrow in question when he caught her eye as if to say, "He's lying right?" She just rolled her eyes. (Yeah he's lying. Stop being so protective. I can take care of myself.) He tilted his head toward Balthazar. (Did you say yes?) She nodded. (Yes I did. Deal with it.) Dean sighed. He knew she would say yes. He wasn't exactly happy about it but he couldn't really do anything about it right now.

"Why are we here, Dean?" Balthazar said while rolling his eyes at the two humans' "silent" conversation.

Dean's eyes snapped back to the road- back on the track of saving Sammy. "Sam got away."

"Crap." Zara winced. She was hoping that this could have been avoided. "He's in an abandoned warehouse. I don't know where. I'm sorry."

Suddenly, the Impala was transported outside a warehouse just outside of town. Dean cursed and looked back at the angel. Why was he messing in everything? Even the car, man? Really? Balthazar blinked a few times and smirked. "He's here. Or at least, I can feel something that seems a bit like Lucifer in there. You humans are really just too slow."

Dean relaxed a bit. "Uh… thanks." Maybe Balthazar wasn't a complete dick… not completely. "We still left Bobby alone to deal with the Leviathan problem at the hospital. I can't do both. Balthazar, would you be able to…"

"I'm not your errand boy, Dean." Balthazar commented dryly.

Zara flicked him. "Of course, we'll go help Bobby. You just worry about Sam."

"No, Zara. I don't want you anywhere near those things. We have no idea what they're capable of." Dean reasoned.

"You're being ridiculous!" Zara yelled- her voice filling the car. "If anyone knows what the Leviathans are capable of, it's me! Of course I'm going!"

"I agree with Dean." Balthazar raised his hand to touch her forehead and send her back to Bobby's.

"No. No. NO. NO. NO! NO-" Zara was struggling to get away from him but he was too fast. She disappeared.

"She's asleep at Bobby's house. She won't be hotwiring any cars for an hour at least."

Dean nodded at him appreciatively. "Thank you, Balthazar. At least we agree on one thing- her safety."

"She can handle herself, Dean. I will let her fight in the future. She's a capable fighter and you should keep that in mind."

Dean didn't want to think about her fighting right now. He couldn't imagine how worried about her he'd be if she went on a hunt with them. He also knew that they had other things to worry about right now- Sam and Bobby. "Are you going to go help Bobby?" Balthazar gave him a quick nod before disappearing and leaving Dean alone in the car. He took a deep breath and got out of the car- making his way closer to the warehouse and his unhinged little brother.

Balthazar thought that he was sending Zara to the one safe place they had at the moment. He couldn't have been more wrong. By the time the angel induced sleep had begun to wear off, the house was caught up in flames. Zara woke up breathing in smoke. Tongues of flame were licking across the ceiling and the far end of the room was already starting to catch fire. She bolted upright and immediately started coughing. She was practically inhaling pure smoke.

Zara stumbled into the kitchen where the fire hadn't gotten quite yet. She saw the journal on the table and quickly grabbed it when she snapped out of the haze in her brain. She had forgotten about the house fire at Bobby's. She should have remembered the house fire. Her mind was still a little foggy and the smoke wasn't helping much but she managed to get to the door and onto the porch before she paused. Why was it happening again? Oh… Leviathans. She realized that she would have to be able to defend herself from the monster outside and so she turned back. Even little kids are taught not to go back into a burning house for belongings but she needed a knife.

Zara took a deep breath and put her shirt over her face so she could breathe better before dashing back into the kitchen. The smoke in there was so bad now that she could hardly see. It was getting into her eyes and nose even through the shirt. She felt as if her lungs were going to explode. Zara stumbled over to the counter where she knew the kitchen knives would be and grabbed the biggest one. She noticed that Bobby had left a bottle of Borax on the counter as well so she grabbed that before rushing back out of the house.

Zara probably should have run as far away as she could as fast as she could but it was all she could do to just collapse on the porch. Her lungs and eyes were burning painfully. The leviathan… it was still out there. She had to get to him before he got to her. Zara got onto her hands and knees and took a deep breath before pushing herself up to lean against the house. A crash inside startled her into motion- the house was falling apart and there was no saving it now. She lurched forward and somehow made it to the car garage that was nearby. It, thankfully, wasn't on fire.

Zara looked back sadly at Bobby's house. How could she have been so stupid? How could she have forgotten something so important? After everything else that had gone wrong, couldn't she have stopped at least one thing? Zara really had forgotten about Bobby's house and now it was her fault that they were all homeless. Bobby was going to kill her and she deserved it too.

She was about to scream out in frustration when something in the corner of her eye caught her attention. There was a figure with its back to her sitting on a car and staring intently at the road coming towards the house. The flames cast an eerie glow on his back. It was the leviathan. What was his name? Ethan? Edgar? It didn't matter. Zara knew she had to get to him while he wasn't paying attention. He was expecting the Winchesters. He wasn't expecting an attack from behind.

She edged closer to him- trying her best not to crunch the gravel underneath her feet. It was an agonizingly long time before she got behind the car he was sitting on. She prepared to squirt the Borax on him. "You stupid humans think you're so sneaky. All of you are, in fact, so noisy it would be disgraceful to ever be caught off guard." Edgar's low voice made Zara jump. He looked back at her and smirked before slipping off the car and swaggering towards her cockily.

Zara stood her ground. Her instincts were screaming at her to get the hell out of there as fast as she could but she refused to listen to her instincts. This guy just burnt down the home of the people she held most dear -he had burnt down her home. She knew she hadn't been with the Winchesters for very long but she considered them family. She wasn't about to turn and run. She wasn't that kind of girl- not then and not now. Anger bubbled up from deep inside her. All the past times that she was unable to defend herself when Sean had beaten her flashed in front of her. That man knew that she loved him and would never lift a finger to him even if he was threatening her life. That man beat, belittled, and mocked her. That man made her give up her baby. That man was a monster. This man was a monster too and he deserved to die.

The easy shift in her brain to killer should have frightened her but she didn't even think about it. She just accepted this new, other side of herself as if it had always been there. Maybe it always had. Something just clicked inside of her and she had this intense feeling of rage and calmness at the same time. She was going to kill him.

Edgar paused when he realized she didn't seem very frightened, quite the opposite in fact. "You think you can take me?" He asked incredulously. His face began to morph. His mouth became opened wider than humanly possible and long, sharp teeth protruded from beneath his grayish lips. Before he could get any closer, she squirted the soapy liquid all over the monster. He howled in pain- his skin burning and bubbling everywhere the liquid touched. Zara started to swing the kitchen knife to cut his head off but he deflected it just in time and knocked it out of her hand. The knife went under a car. The monster threw her to the ground as well- the gravel scratching up her face and hands. Zara cursed and lurched to the ground towards the knife. Edgar grabbed her by the foot and started dragging her towards him- his body was still dripping goo and smoking from the Borax.

Zara truly thought she was going to die in that moment- alone, weaponless, and out of options. But in that one moment, she noticed something had fallen out of her pants pocket- Dean's angel blade. She silently thanked him for his protectiveness as she grabbed it and kicked her foot out of the leviathan's grasp. Zara didn't really know what happened after that. It was like the rage that had been building since the start of this just took over and the next think she knew, Edgar's head was on the ground several feet from his body. Black goo was splattered all over Zara's face and clothes. She just stood there and stared at the body with a morbid fascination as headlights came up the drive.

Dean was walking through the abandoned warehouse that Balthazar said Sam was in. He could hear a voice echoing through the corridors. It sounded like Sam but he didn't hear anyone reply. He followed the voice to a door that was left slightly ajar. He could see his brother standing in the middle of the room speaking to air. Dean decided it was safe to go in. "Sam? Sam? What are you doing?" Sam whirled around to look at him and pointed a gun straight at his chest. Dean hadn't even seen that he had a gun with him. He threw up his hands. "Whoa! Whoa!"

Sam's eyes were wide, crazed, and afraid. Dean wasn't used to his brother being afraid of him. "I thought I was with you, Dean."

Thought he was with him? What in the world? "Okay… well here I am." It was all Dean could offer. He didn't know how to make his brother believe he was real after all that Lucifer had done to him.

Sam's hand that was holding the gun was shaking. "No I don't- I can know that for sure. Do you understand me?"

Sam's hallucinations were going strong now. Dean was going to have a hard time convincing him of anything right now. "Then let's start small…"

"I don't remember driving here." Sam started but he got distracted by something next to him. Dean could only guess it's Lucifer. He tried to get his brother's attention again but suddenly Sam turned and shot at nothing in particular.

"Whoa! Whoa! Sam!" Sam swung the gun back in his direction and Dean backed off a little. "This discussion does not require a weapons discharge." Sam's face was filled with confusion, fear, and indecision. His hand was shaking even more and Dean was afraid that he would shoot him accidentally in his distress. Something must have gotten to him though because his expression changed ever so slightly and he lowered the gun. Dean stepped towards him- relieved that he could see at least part of his brother come back to him. "Look at me. Come on you don't know what's real? Man, I've been to Hell. I know a thing or two about torture. I know enough to know that it feels different than the pain of this regular… stupid… crappy… this." Dean gestured around himself vaguely.

"No. No. How can you know that for sure?" Sam was trying his best to make sense of it all.

Dean held out his had to his brother. "Let me see your hand." Sam held out his good hand. "No, no your other hand- the gimpy one." Sam offered his injured hand and Dean held it up so that Sam could look at it. "This is real. Not a year ago, not in Hell. Now. I was with you when you got it. I sewed it up. Look." He pressed his thumb into the cut and Sam winced at the pain that the pressure caused. "This is different, right? Different than the crap tearing up your walnut?" Dean looked him in the eye. "I'm different, right?" Dean let go and Sam immediately started rubbing his bandage.

"Yeah… I think so." Sam looked over at nothing again- sliding back into confusion and fear.

Dean knew he'd have to jump in or else he'd lose him again. "Sam… Sam?" Sam was pressing harder at the bandage- trying to remind himself that the pain was real. "Hey, I am your flesh and blood brother. I am the only one who can kick your ass in real time. We got you out." Sam's gaze was focused on something right beside Dean and he was pressing so hard on his wound now that he was bleeding again but he slowly began to focus back on Dean. "Believe in that- believe me, okay? You gotta make it stone number one and build on it you understand?"

Sam nodded and closed his eyes. His face slowly relaxed back to normal and Dean could tell that he was getting it back together again. "Yeah… yeah, okay."

The ride back to Bobby's house was quiet. Dean knew Sam had to work through some things and he was going to let him do it in silence. He desperately wanted his brother back but it would take time. He knew that. Sam, on the other hand, felt better than he had in days. His mind was clear of hallucinations and he really felt like he had a grip on things again. Every time he felt like he was going to slip backwards again, he pressed into his injury and the pain make his mind snap back into focus.

Finally, Dean couldn't take it any longer. "How- How are you?"

Sam looked over at his big brother and gave him a little half smile. That was Dean- always looking out for him. "I'm good. I'm not seeing any… white rabbits right now. I feel normal right now for the most part which is saying something all things considered."

"Good… That's good." Dean didn't really know what else to say. Instead, he admired the sunset up ahead. It took him several seconds to realize that sunset had been hours ago… The orange glow up ahead of them wasn't the sun so what was it? Dean was too tired at the moment to think straight. Then Dean noticed the smoke and his heart stopped- the house. "Sam…" He sped up.

"What? … Shit." Sam cursed when he noticed why his brother had suddenly picked up the pace.

Then Dean realized something even worse that made his blood run cold. Balthazar had sent Zara back to the house… asleep. What if she hadn't woken up? What if a monster had gotten to her while she slept? What if she was burning up along with the house? And Dean had sent Balthazar to help Bobby which meant he was distracted from his duties of guardian. Dean had distracted her guardian angel. If she was dead, it was all on him. He didn't know what he would do with himself if he let that happen. She was the only one who understood him completely and knew exactly what he needed. He couldn't lose her. Not now.

Dean started speeding even more- they were just barely staying on the road at every turn. Sam was thrown off balance on the curves because he wasn't wearing a seat belt and he cursed. He saw the worried/angry set of Dean's jaw and his eyes widened in horror. "Dean? Where's Zara?" The look Dean gave him told him everything.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Various horrifying scenarios were playing in Dean's head as he drove up the drive to Bobby's house. He could see the growing flames over the treetops and saw that the house was collapsing in on itself. His heart clenched at the thought that if Zara was still in the house right now, she would be dead. He prayed that she had woken up or Balthazar had gotten to her before that happened. He had hardly parked the car before bolting out and running towards the burning husk, calling her name. Sam was right behind him. Sam went around the house one way and Dean went another.

"Zara!?" Dean yelled as he sprinted towards the house. He rounded the corner of the porch and saw that the car garage had caught fire as well but that didn't matter to him. All that mattered was what he saw just in front of the garage.

He could see a figure outlined by the flames and Dean knew it was Zara. His chest heaved- she was okay. Zara was okay. She just stood there slightly turned away from him- staring at something at her feet. The orange glow from the house bounced off her leather jacket and her face was wet and shiny with something. Blood? Dean started walking faster- thinking of all the terrible things that could have happened to her. She should have noticed him by now. They had been calling for her but she just stood there- lost in a trance or something.

"Zara?" Dean asked as he came up to her and put a hand on her shoulder. She jerked and turned towards him- locking her eyes with his and his breath caught in his throat. What was staring back at him didn't look like Zara at all. The look in her eyes was positively feral and slightly crazed as the dancing flames reflected back at him. There was a mixture of blood and something blackish splattered on her face and clothes. Everything about her seemed as if she would fly off the handle at any moment.

"Zara?" He asked gently one more time. That seemed to snap her out of whatever trance she had been in. She blinked rapidly several times before recognition washed over her face.

"Dean?" She breathed. That was all he needed to know that she was okay- whatever moment of temporary insanity had passed.

He pulled her into a tight hug- ignoring the fluids splattered over her clothes and she put her arms around him. "Oh my god I though I had lost you. Are you okay?" She nodded into his shoulder. Dean let out a sigh of relief and glanced down at the ground. That was when he noticed the body at their feet that was conspicuously missing its head. His eyes widened in horror. It was quite obvious that Zara had killed the thing. Dean's angel blade that he had given to Zara lay caked in Leviathan blood on the ground at their feet as well.

His mind was racing. Zara fought off a Leviathan by herself. He knew she was a good fighter considering how well she had dealt with that demon a couple weeks ago but that was really just an exorcism. He didn't realize she had it in her to kill. This girl was a piece of work. "What happened?" He asked as calmly as he could.

Zara gripped him tighter and sobbed into his chest. "I'm so sorry. I didn't remember about the house. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. I should have remembered. I-"

"It doesn't matter." Dean soothed. To think that she had most likely woken up in a burning building and then was attacked by a monster and all she could say was sorry she didn't save the house? "What matters is that you're safe. I was so worried about you."

"But I should have remembered that. I could have saved the house… all of Bobby's things. He's gonna kill me. And this was your home too. I'm so sorry." She was rambling.

Dean pulled her back so that he could look her in the eye. He didn't even notice the blood, gravel, and tears all over her face. All he saw was Zara and that she was okay and that was all that mattered to him at the moment. "It's just a house. We'll find a new one." She nodded halfheartedly. "Now what happened here?" He pointed to the corpse at their feet to clarify his previous question.

Zara turned and looked down to see what he was pointing at. Her eyes widened in horror. She hadn't really believed that it happened. It had felt like a horrible dream. "I… I killed it." She whispered unbelievingly.

Dean looked over at her quizzically. "Didn't think you had it in you, Princess."

She looked back at him. "I didn't either." Tears welled in her eyes again. "Something snapped and it just… happened."

"He would have killed you if you didn't, Zara. It's the way of life here." Zara just nodded and walked slowly back to the Impala. Dean understood how it felt after that first kill though- that feeling that there was no going back. He used to think for hours afterwards whether it was right to kill them or not but now? Now he barely thought about it at all. He had become calloused and unfeeling about the amount of killing all around him. Dean realized that that was probably not entirely good but it had become a way of life and he couldn't afford to be weighed down by that guilt. It pained him to think it, but he knew that Zara would have to get over that guilt too if she was going to stay with them. And he knew that it would change her. It always changes people.

Bobby and Balthazar got there about an hour later. Everything was cleared up with the Leviathans at the hospital. The monsters were dead and the bodies were burned. When Bobby saw the state of the house, though, he turned right around and drove off- leaving Balthazar behind.

The fire was out finally and Dean, Sam, and Zara were combing through the wreckage to see if there was anything salvageable. Unfortunately it looked like most everything was burnt to a crisp. "Dean!" Balthazar yelled as he walked up to the wreckage. Dean's head popped up from behind a half-burned wall to see who was calling to him. "What happened?"

Dean scowled at the angel as he made his way out of the rubble towards him. "What didn't happen, Balthazar? A Leviathan set fire to the house and Zara had to fight it off on her own. Course, that was after she woke up inside a burning building... thanks to you." Dean stared at him accusingly.

After getting over the initial shock of the news, Balthazar realized what Dean was accusing him of. "You're saying this is my fault?" Balthazar asked indignantly. "I apologize, but you were the one who wanted me to send her here, which, I think you would agree with me, seemed like the safest place for her. Then you sent me off on an errand elsewhere. You can't be angry with me for not being able to protect her when you were the one distracting me." Balthazar really was grieved that Zara had been put in danger and he hadn't been able to protect her but it wasn't entirely his fault.

Dean's expression changed when he realized that he was just as much to blame for her predicament as Balthazar was. He kicked himself for distracting Balthazar from his duties. "Fine." He conceded. "It's my fault a bit too I guess. But aren't you supposed to have some sort of alert system to know when she's in danger? Isn't that your job?"

Balthazar sighed. "Yes, there are protection sigils that I was going to put on her but we didn't have the time with you calling and I thought it wouldn't hurt to wait one night."

Dean nodded. He had decided that he couldn't be angry at the angel for long considering what he was doing for Zara. He really did appreciate that there was someone else looking out for her and that also meant that there was another angel on their side. "She fought off a Leviathan all by herself." Dean repeated unbelievingly.

Balthazar laughed dryly. "I told you she could fight, Dean. She is a remarkable young woman."

"How do you know so much about her? It seems like you knew her before all this." Dean looked at him quizzically.

Balthazar's face became unreadable. "It was mandatory for all guardians to know about all of the charges in case there were… complications."

"Who was Zara's guardian then? Didn't they know that she was being abused? Why didn't they help her?" Dean asked.

"She was placed in a world without magic or the supernatural. It wasn't expected that she would have too much trouble keeping safe. Also, the guardians were all long dead by the time Sean came into her life. You can't expect the dead to continue their duties. Most of us don't come back like you do." Balthazar turned away abruptly and started walking towards where he could see Zara digging through the wreckage farther away. Dean went back to going through the remnants of the living room as he thought about what Balthazar had told him.

"Hey, Zara. Can I talk to you for a second?" Balthazar asked her as he got closer.

She had been sitting on a half charred bench looking through a wallet of sorts but she quickly stashed it in her jacket pocket and looked up at him when she heard his voice. "Sure." She smiled. Balthazar could tell that the smile was fake though, because it never reached her eyes. Something was bothering her. It was probably the fact that he sent her into a burning building with a monster nearby. He was definitely beating himself up over it. He knew he had always been a bad guardian but this was a new all time low.

Balthazar sat on the bench next to her heavily. "Akele," He used her Enochian name. "I am truly sorry for putting you in danger tonight." His voice was filled with guilt. "I would have kept you with me if I had known that things would happen this way."

Zara shook her head and put her hand on his shoulder comfortingly. "You couldn't have known. It's my fault for forgetting that it was going to happen."

Balthazar furrowed his brows. She wasn't mad at him for not protecting her? "You can't blame yourself for not remembering something you saw on the television. That's nearly ten years of happenings, Akele." She shook her head- unconvinced. "What's really bothering you then?"

Zara looked away and sighed- bringing out the wallet that she had hidden in her jacket earlier. She opened it and Balthazar saw that there was a picture of a smiling Hispanic family in one of the clear pockets. In the other side of the wallet, there was a driver's license for the man who owned the wallet. The name read Edgar Martinez. "I killed a man today, Balthazar."

So that was what was bothering her. "He was a monster. He was going to kill you. It was self defense." Balthazar reasoned.

"But before he was a monster, he had a family, a job, a life."

"It's normal to feel remorse-"

"No, Balthazar." Zara interrupted. "You don't get it. I killed him and I don't feel anything. I don't feel any remorse for killing him and I'd do it again in a heartbeat if I had to. That's what scares me. I SHOULD feel bad. I should be crying for his family. This is the first person, or used to be person, that I have actually killed and I feel… nothing. What does that make me? A monster?" She looked back up at Balthazar with tears in her eyes.

"You're NOT a monster, Akele." Balthazar emphasized. "You had every reason to kill him and you're going to have to get used to doing it again if you're going to stay with the Winchesters."

"I think I'm already too used to it and I don't want to be. The boys don't think about it much anymore. They are all too quick to stab the demon instead of exorcizing it to save the vessel. They have no respect for the life of the possessed. I don't want to become that, but I think I already am."

Balthazar gave her a little half smile. "I think you feel more than you think you do. The very fact that you're trying is evidence of that." He put his hand over the picture in the wallet. "Keep this and, when you feel like you're killing too wantonly, take it out and remember this family."

Zara gave him a little smile back and then surprised him with a hug. He instantly stiffened out of habit but eventually relaxed and put his arms around her- stroking her hair. "Thank you." She whispered.

He smirked. "Anything for you, Akele." That was the truth. He cared a lot about his charge and he really would do anything for her. He had already made so many mistakes when it came to Zara. "I just wish I would have been there for you before all this. I hope I can make it up to you now."


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

The ride over to Rufus' cabin was long and quiet. It was going to take at least two days of driving so they all settled in. Everyone was lost in their own little world- thinking about what they were going to do now that the house was gone. The loss of one of the only constant things in their lives was really taking a toll on the brothers. Balthazar would have offered to transport everyone over to Rufus' but Dean needed some therapy in the form of dark, lonely highways and the rumble of an engine beneath his feet. So the four of them piled into the Impala and they set off.

Everyone was distracting themselves in their own ways. Dean had his driving. Sam fell asleep so quickly it was obvious how often he did so in the front seat of the Impala. Zara and Balthazar were sitting in the back seat and Zara had decided to stretch out and throw her feet into Balthazar's lap. He was absentmindedly rubbing her sock feet while Zara started out the window admiring the scenery and trying to ignore the fact that she would have to talk to Bobby eventually. She knew that the Winchesters didn't blame her for what happened but she still felt partly to blame. She knew that she had to apologize to Bobby. She just hoped he wouldn't be too angry with her.

"We still need to give you your warding sigils." Balthazar's voice cut into her reverie.

"Carved into my ribs, right?" Balthazar nodded and Zara grimaced. There was always something about carving into bone that made her skin crawl. She was much more comfortable with getting a tattoo. "Could those be tattoos instead?"

Balthazar was silent for a second. "I believe that it would work the same way. I don't understand why you would want that though. Tattoos take longer and are probably more painful in the long run."

Zara smiled. She knew exactly how painful they were. "I'd like to be able to see and enjoy the results of my pain. Besides, I've been wanting another few tattoos and I know exactly how much they hurt. It isn't like this will be my first."

"You have tattoos?" Dean asked- looking back at Zara through the rearview mirror. He had gotten distracted by their conversation.

Zara smirked. "Yep. I've got a few actually."

"I didn't know that."

"You wouldn't. They're all on my back and it's not like I'm going to wear a tank top in this winter weather."

"What are they?"

"You'll have to come with me to the parlor if you want to see them." Zara laughed cheekily.

"We'll go tomorrow then?" Balthazar asked. "We shouldn't put it off for too long."

Zara smiled. "Yeah, that sounds good." She was having a hard time concealing how excited she was. This was her first real expression of freedom since she had gotten away from Sean (especially since he hated her tattoos and didn't let her get any more after they got married). She was already planning where she was going to put them.

The next day, Dean, Zara, and Balthazar were the first customers in the quaint little tattoo parlor. "What'll I getcha today?" The girl with the pixie cut at the counter asked them. Her hair was shaved on one side and the other side was dyed a tealish color. There was a smattering of tattoos and piercing all over her body but that wasn't as noticeable as her smile. She seriously seemed like the cheeriest person Zara had seen in a long time. It was refreshing. Balthazar handed her a paper with the various symbols scrawled on it and Zara pointed out where she wanted everything.

The tattoo artist, whose name they later learned was Trish, looked over at Zara questioningly. "This is a lot of ink. You ever had a tattoo before?"

Zara smiled. "Yeah I have a couple. I have a pretty high pain tolerance and I've got the time to get it all done today if you do."

"I've got all the time in the world, sweetheart. There aren't many people in this sleepy little town to take up too much of my time." The men hung back and Trish led Zara to the back room. She quickly took her shirt off and lay on the table. Trish started to work soon after that- the buzzing of the needle whirring through the little room. Trish kept up a steady stream of chatter the whole time and Zara realized how much she missed just talking to her girlfriends. She didn't have many back in the other world but this past month she hadn't so much as talked to another female and it was nice to just chat.

Balthazar came in soon after that and said that Dean went on a coffee run before sitting down in one of the chairs on the opposite side of the room. "He your boyfriend?" Trish asked while still leaning over her work.

Balthazar coughed. "Ah, no. I'm her brother actually."

"Really? You don't have the same accents though."

"Sorry, step brother and I grew up in France." Balthazar ammended.

"Oh. Well my aunt once took a trip over to…" Trish continued to chatter as she worked. Zara mouthed "Step-brother?" to Balthazar and he just smirked and shrugged.

Dean came up soon after that with the coffees. "Whoa, nice wings there, Princess." He admired the feathery angel wings that took up her shoulder blades and most of her back.

"You like them?" Zara asked. "My brother always said that I would regret getting them when the rebellious teenage years wore off but I still love them."

Dean chuckled a little. "No, I like them too. They suit you." He tried desperately to keep his eyes from wandering anywhere else considering she wasn't wearing a shirt. "So what all are you getting again?"

"Well there's the anti demon possession symbol right in between the wings, and then I was getting anti angel detection down my spine, and there's also the guardian angel symbol down on my lower right back." Trish's eyes widened at hearing what they were calling the symbols she was painting but she continued on just as she always did. If these people wanted to pay for satanic symbols, money was still money.

"That's quite a lot. You sure you can handle all that?" Dean asked,

"I got the wings all in one sitting. This is a piece of cake." Zara scoffed. "I'm thinking about getting one more but I'll have to ask Bal about whether it will work or not."

Dean snorted at the nickname she had given the angel but Balthazar just rolled his eyes. "What were you thinking, love?"

"Angel banishing." Zara stated.

Dean's eyes widened. "Why didn't I think of that? It would come in handy. Would it work Balthazar?"

The angel sat there for a second. "Yes, I think it would. You would still need the…" Balthazar looked over at Trish. He realized that Trish must have been pretty freaked out by all of their talk by now. "… You'd still need the other component to activate it." They knew what he meant. They would still need to activate it with blood but that was okay. They didn't want to go around banishing the friendly angels willy nilly anyway.

"Well, if it'll work, I want that on my left wrist as well." Zara said.

"Me too." Dean added. "Would that be okay?" He asked Trish.

She just waved him away. "If you've got the money, I've got the ink."

"How sweet- you'll have matching tattoos." Balthazar snorted. Zara chuckled and rolled her eyes. "I'll go draw it." He got up and left the room to go grab the pens and paper from the front.

Trish had been silent through the whole conversation- listening with wide eyes to these crazy people who seemed to be so normal at the same time. Whatever they were talking about was weird and that was saying something considering some of the things people had asked her to paint. She had thought she had heard everything but apparently not. She didn't let that bother her though. When they seemed to finish their conversation, she started her chatter up again. "So, your name is Zara right? That's an unusual name. I like it. I always wanted to have an exotic name when I was younger…"

A couple of hours later, they left the tattoo artist happy with her day's earnings if not a little suspicious about the satanic cult symbols she had just painted all over the sweet girl's body. But who was she to judge? She had the names of all of her ex's down her leg pierced with arrows. It wasn't her business anyway.

Sorry if I got something wrong with the tattoo stuff. I don't have any and have no idea. If anyone was wondering what her angel wings tattoo looks like, I posted it on my Tumblr. I'm Qbbie and it is tagged Light, Zara, angel wings, and tattoo. :)


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

Zara's back was still stinging when they piled into the Impala again and the bandages put over her new ink were itchy and hot which made the rest of the 6 hour drive to Rufus' cabin uncomfortable to say the least. Dean offered to stop for a couple of hours but Zara just waved him off. In the end, she just slept with her face smushed up against the passenger seat in front of her.

Rufus was on a case on the other side of the country so they would be alone at the cabin for several days if they didn't find a hunt to go on as well (which was unlikely considering Sam had been looking for one since they got there). Bobby had called and said he was going to help Rufus so he wouldn't be back until then either. Dean crashed on the couch as soon as they got there- exhausted from driving the whole way. Zara was going to turn in on the other couch as well before Balthazar stopped her.

"Akele?" She looked up from her place on the couch. Balthazar was leaning against the wall next to the door.

"Yeah?" She yawned.

"I need to do something and I don't think I'll be back for a while." Balthazar shifted and took a step towards her. "You'll be okay with the Winchesters, right?"

"Yeah of course I'll be okay." Zara reassured him. Her brows furrowed. "Where do you need to go?"

"I've been thinking about how your life turned out after all the guardians died and I was wondering how the others were doing." Balthazar got on his knees in front of her so that he could look at her on the same level. "You have no idea what I have done- all that I have to atone for. If I'm going to be a guardian again, I want to do it right and I can start with making sure the others are safe."

"So you're going to go to all of the other people who had guardian angels to make sure they're okay?" Balthazar nodded and Zara's expression softened. "All by yourself?"

"This is something I feel I need to do. But you are still my first priority. If you don't want me to, I won't go."

"No. No. If this is something you feel you have to do, you should do it. Don't let me hold you back. I'll be safe with the Winchesters."

Balthazar snorted. "I'm not sure the words safe and Winchester really belong in the same sentence but I trust them to protect you. Also, with the guardian tattoo, I will know if I need to come back and there's a psychic link too. We can communicate if there's an emergency."

"I'm sure I'll be fine. You have important work to do."

Balthazar smiled and planted a kiss on her forehead before standing up. "Thank you, Akele. You're sure?"

Zara made a shooing motion. "Go! But Balthazar?"

"Hmm?"

"Could you check on two people first? I'm sure they would have had guardians before because they're prophets- Chuck and Kevin."

Balthazar looked puzzled. "Who?"

"Chuck and Kevin. They're the current and next prophets."

"I know who Kevin is but who is Chuck? He's not a prophet."

Zara's eyes widened. "So it's true." She whispered.

"What?" Balthazar took a step towards her again.

"Nevermind." She put on a fake smile. "Could you just check on Kevin first for me?"

"Sure." Balthazar smiled a little before disappearing in a flurry of wings.

Sam had been researching at the table on the other side of the room and wasn't listening to the conversation between Zara and Balthazar but his ears perked up when they mentioned Chuck. As soon as Balthazar disappeared he looked over at Zara and gave her a funny look. "What was that about Chuck not being a prophet?"

Zara jumped. She had been lost in her thoughts. "There's a theory in my old world that Chuck wasn't a prophet at all. The writers all but confirmed it and what Balthazar just said makes it even more probable."

"What do they say he was then?"

"God." Zara breathed. "They said Chuck was God." Both of them sat in stunned silence for some time.

"Sammy." A voice whispered into his head. "Saaaaaaaaaaaaaammmyyyyy." Sam shook his head and looked blearily back at the computer screen. He had been looking for a job for hours but hadn't found anything concrete yet. "Sammy." The voice was sharper this time. Sam knew it was Lucifer trying to make another appearance but he wasn't about to let him in that easily. He pressed into his hand again. The pain distracted him a little but there was still a little voice in the back of his head whispering to him- trying to break through.

Dean and Zara were sleeping on the couches in the living room area (which also happened to be the dining room where he was) and Sam was tempted to turn in soon as well. Sam smirked at their sleeping forms- so calm and carefree when unconscious- not at all like the careworn looks they both wore when awake. Dean always seemed better when she was around though. Sam saw how Dean looked at her. He knew his brother all to well and it was obvious that Dean liked her. It was even more obvious that Zara didn't have a clue. What with being pulled from her abusive relationship so abruptly, it was understandable that she wasn't able to think romantically at the moment, but it was almost laughable how she didn't seem to pick up on the things Dean did. He was always so worrisome and protective over her. Dean was in love with the girl that had crashed into their lives so abruptly and knew everything about them down to what was eating at either of them just by looking at their faces. It was incredible. Sam was unused to being read so well by someone other than his brother, but she could.

She knew just how each of them were feeling and offered comfort in any way she could, just to make their lives that little bit better- just that little bit more liveable. She was especially good with Dean which Sam was eternally grateful for (which made it even funnier that she didn't seem to notice Dean's special attraction to her). With Zara around, Dean had someone to keep him grounded in these crazy times. That was usually Sam's job but he couldn't do that for his brother right now and Sam appreciated the fact that Zara could. She was honestly helping Sam keep it together too. It was encouraging to have someone around to tell them that it gets better. It was very unusual, too, how quickly Zara had become such a permanent fixture in their little family, but was almost impossible to imagine how things would be without her.

Sam's phone started buzzing in his pocket and he took it out to see who was calling. He answered in immediately as soon as he saw that it was Bobby. "Hey Bobby. You okay? We've been worried about you."

"Yeah I'm fine." Bobby said gruffly. "Me and Rufus just finished up a job and are heading your way but Rufus just got wind of a hunt on in Bayview, Washington. Serial suicides. You think you guys are up for it?"

"Yeah, sure. We can leave right away."

"Great. Call if you need any help."

"We will." Sam was about to hang up but he thought better of it. "Hey, are you okay? You left in a hurry and we haven't seen you since."

Bobby sighed. "I'm fine. Just had to process a bit. It's just a house."

"Right." Sam knew it was just a house, but it had been their home. And it would take a bit to get used to not having that constant in their lives anymore. They would move on eventually.

"You be safe now." Bobby continued.

"Yeah, you too." Sam hung up the phone and moved to wake up his brother. He nudged his shoulder which only elicited sleepy mumbling from Dean. "Hey… Hey Dean. We've got a case." Dean opened his eyes marginally and groaned. "C'mon wake up. We gotta go."

Dean's eyes finally snapped open and the first thing he did was look first at Sam and then at Zara to make sure they were both okay. It was so much of a habit that he didn't even notice he did it. "What kind of case?" He asked as he sat up and rubbed one eye.

"Serial suicides."

"Great." Dean said sarcastically. He moved over to the other couch and started shaking Zara's shoulder gently. "Rise and shine Princess."

"No, Sean. Make your own breakfast. I'm too tired." She mumbled. Dean cast a sad glance at Sam. She was still dreaming about Sean. Her face scrunched up a little. "Please don't… I didn't mean it." She started squirming a little. "No. NO. OW!" She jerked up wide eyed- still touching the side of her face that Nightmare Sean had slapped. Zara tried to compose herself as soon as she realized that the two brothers were staring wide eyed at her. They knew exactly what she had been dreaming about. "We have a case?" She broke the silence.

"Uh yeah." Sam answered. "Up in Washington. You ready to head out again?"

She hopped up and started folding the blanket she had been using. Dean started looking around for Balthazar. "Where's feathers?" He asked.

Zara smirked. "He's checking up on Kevin."

Dean threw his hands up exasperatedly. Sometimes she was so confusing to talk to. He guessed it was like that with a lot of people who knew the future. "And who's Kevin?"

She grinned cheekily. Zara loved messing with him sometimes. "He's in advanced placement."


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

"So the suicides started a couple of months ago and there's been at least two every week. It's become almost epidemic in this town." Sam was looking over the facts on his computer. They had just gotten to the motel but it was too late to do any investigating so they decided to settle in with Chinese takeout. Dean was vegging on the couch half listening to Sam's rundown over the droning of the TV. Zara was being a little more attentive as she was eating her food, cross-legged on one of the two beds. "They've sent out public announcements and have started community grief and suicide prevention groups all over."

"That sounds horrible. I feel sorry for all those families." Zara interjected. "What do you think it could be?"

"Leviathan?" Dean asked. He wasn't really sure what their typical prey was yet.

Zara shook her head. "No. Leviathans eat you whole and then pretend to be you. They have a much larger agenda than making people commit suicide."

"Ghost, then? Demon? Witch?" Sam suggested. Dean groaned at the last one. "We won't know until we talk to the family of the most recent suicide tomorrow."

Sam went back to his research and Zara soon started to feel sleepy. She slipped in and out of the bathroom quickly before popping onto the couch next to Dean. He woke up from the little cat nap he had taken when she elbowed him in the side playfully. "What?" He asked sleepily.

"I'm tired, Dean. You're in my bed." The motel didn't have any rooms adjacent to each other and so they decided to all stay in the same room this time. Zara honestly didn't care. She thought it was silly to pay for another room and she didn't mind sleeping on the couch but Dean wasn't having any of it.

"I'm not going to make you sleep on the couch Princess." Dean said seriously.

Zara snorted. "And that couch is way too small for you. I'll fit just fine." She started trying to push Dean off. He didn't budge at all and she only earned a skeptical raised eyebrow. Zara huffed and gave him her best imitation of Sam's signature "bitch face." Dean just snorted and the little mischievous spark in his eye was all the warning she had before he picked her up bridal style. Zara squealed and Dean dropped her unceremoniously onto the closest bed. Sam looked over at their childish antics and smiled a little. It was good to see them happy. All of them needed something to make them laugh again.

"Stay." Dean ordered teasingly before heading back to the couch.

Zara stuck her tongue out at his back before flopping back onto the bed and muttering, "Fine."

It wasn't long before all of them settled down and headed to bed. Sam and Zara fell asleep fairly quickly but Dean of course couldn't fall asleep. Despite all his assurances that he would be fine on the couch, he really was too big for it and he couldn't get comfortable. Dean turned on his side for what felt like the hundredth time. He hadn't had a full night's rest in days and he knew he'd feel awful in the morning. Dean sighed and got up. Sam was just going to have to suck it up and share his bed tonight.

Dean walked over to Sam's bed to see that the moose of a man was in fact too big for the bed in the first place. He was sprawled across the bed with his limbs hanging every which way off the bed. Dean groaned- there was no way both of them were going to fit. He turned to the other bed.

Dean didn't feel right about getting into Zara's bed without asking her considering her background, but he really needed the sleep. She was curled up on the other side anyway. She wouldn't even notice. He cautiously started peeling the covers off the opposite side of the bed but he stopped when he heard mumbling. His eyes darted around the room to find where the source was but there wasn't anyone else in the room. Then his eyes rested on Zara. She was sleep talking again.

"No. Please." Dean could hear the words tumbling out of her mouth now and she was tossing fitfully. "Don't make me do it." What in the world was she dreaming about? Dean dropped the covers and walked around to the other side of the bed. "Sean, no!" Dean's heart dropped. She was dreaming about Sean again. Dean sat on the edge of the bed and he tried shaking her gently to wake her up but that just made it worse. She rolled away from him and started sobbing in her sleep. "NO! Don't! Don't take my baby!" Dean's blood ran cold. What was she talking about? Baby?

"Zara?" He tried waking her up again. This time it worked and she bolted upright- full on sobbing. Dean put a comforting hand on her shoulder and he noticed that she made sure that it was him before curling into his chest. He just let her cry herself out and rubbed her back. "It's alright. It was just a dream. He's not here. I promise." He murmured into her hair. Zara took a shuddering breath and started to calm down in his embrace. Dean kissed the top of her head. "You wana talk about it?"

"No." She said dully.

Dean sighed. "You're going to have to talk to someone eventually. I'm not saying it's now and I'm not saying it's me but it's not good to keep everything in. If you want to talk to me, I'm here for you."

Zara had stopped crying by now and was just resting her head on his chest sadly. "I-I know. Thank you, Dean. And if I was going to talk to anyone, it would be you, but not right now. Not after that…" She shuddered at the thought of her nightmare.

Dean hugged her tighter. "Okay." He whispered.

"You can have the bed now." Zara whispered back. She extracted herself from his arms and went to sit on the couch.

"No. No. I'll be fine." Dean answered. He would have said that they could just share but he didn't want to push his boundaries with her when she was upset like this.

"I'm going to be awake for a while. You get some sleep." Zara insisted.

"Are you sure? I could stay up with you if you want." Dean offered.

Zara sighed. "No… thanks. I just need to be alone for a bit."

Dean nodded and didn't press any harder. He lay down on the bed but he still didn't end up falling asleep for a while. He was thinking through what had happened and what she had let slip while she was sleep talking. Zara had had a baby.


	22. Chapter 22

Trigger Warning: This hunt deals with suicides (and suicidal thoughts), car crashes, and Zara's thoughts on her abortion. If these trigger you, I just want to give you fair warning that they will be mentioned in the next few chapters. I will try to post warnings on all chapters that I think will be particularly triggering. If you ever want me to tag for a certain thing, don't hesitate to let me know.

Chapter 22

"So why did Zara decide to spend the day in the room instead of go with us?" Sam asked Dean once they had left the motel on their way to the family's house.

"She, uh, had a nightmare last night. It shook her up real bad. I think she just needs a little alone time." Dean explained.

"Ah." Sam nodded. They pulled up to a little white suburban home just outside of town. Yesterday's paper had said this was the home of the most recent suicide victim. People were milling in and out of the house and around the back yard as they were giving the family condolences and remembering their dead friend.

Dean opened up the glove compartment and took out their box of fake IDs. "FBI or CDC?" He asked. They were already in their suits. All they needed were the official cards.

"FBI." Sam said. "The town might panic if they thought this was some epidemic suicide psychosis that caused this."

Dean nodded and grabbed the appropriate badges for both of them before getting out and walking confidently up to the house- Sam following behind.

"So was Peter acting odd before he passed?" Sam asked the teary eyed woman sitting across from them. She was the victim's wife.

"He, uh, he had been having some pretty nasty nightmares. They really shook him up." She answered tiredly.

"What were the nightmares about?" Dean asked.

The woman looked skeptical. "What does this have to do with an FBI investigation?"

"Any detail could be important. We just want to make sure we know everything about the situation so that this doesn't happen again." Sam assured her.

She nodded- satisfied with their answer. "Peter was always terrified of getting burned in a fire. It was his worst fear. His dad was a firefighter and he worried about him a lot growing up. Peter had been dreaming about fires for days before he committed suicide. Sometimes during the day, he would just freak out about it again- almost as if he were hallucinating it. I chalked it up to work stress but now?" She choked up. "If only I had been more attentive. I could've helped him." She started crying again and Sam and Dean stood up. They knew when to make their exit.

"Thank you so much for your time. We are so sorry for your loss."

Zara was lying on the bed trying to get some sleep since she didn't the night before but she couldn't stop thinking about her nightmare. She had dreamed about the terrible day that Sean found out that she was pregnant- the day she was forced to have an abortion. The decision to lose her baby instead of run away from that terrible man had haunted her from that day on. It was her deepest regret.

Zara realized that she wasn't going to be able to get back to sleep even now with the boys gone. She decided that some fresh air might be the way to go to get her mind off of her nightmare. So she wrote a note to the boys and got dressed.

There was a little park just a few blocks from the motel. Her feet crunched in the newly fallen snow. Zara enjoyed the crisp winter air as she walked the quiet paths. She found a bench overlooking a frozen duck pond and she sat down and just enjoyed the peaceful scene around her. She had completely forgotten about her nightmare and was instead just basking in her surroundings. The wind picked up a little and Zara clutched her coat around her tighter to keep the cold away. The chill made the hair on her neck prickle.

She imagined that someone was right behind her and automatically thought it was her husband but she pushed the thought away. He was gone. He couldn't get to her anymore. There was no one there. She would have heard them. Suddenly, a hand gripped her shoulder and she froze. Hot breath ticked her neck and a menacing voice sounded right next to her ear. "Hello, RaRa." Zara let out a little whimper. Of course it was him. It would always be him.

"So what do you think?" Sam asked as they drove back to the motel.

"I don't know." Dean started to think about similar cases that they had had in the past. It didn't really seem to fit any of them…except maybe one of them. "What if it's a Crocotta?"

"A Crocotta?" Sam asked. "Those things feed on people's souls."

"Yeah. Remember that one several years back that called its victims pretending to be their loved ones and getting them to commit suicide? Maybe it's kind of doing the same thing but it's using people's worst fears to get them to give their souls up. I mean, if I were followed around by my worst fears night and day, I'd probably want to kick the can to make it stop too."

"Sounds like a good guess." Sam nodded. "We should find out if anyone else is having nightmares."

Dean was quiet for a second. "Shit." He whispered.

"What?"

"We know who's having nightmares, dude." Dean said quietly. "Zara. This son of a bitch has pegged Zara."

"Do we know for sure? We all have nightmares. How do you know it's her?"

"This thing targets fears, right? It uses things that are bad enough to drive someone to suicide." Sam nodded. "Zara was dreaming about Sean. About the terrible things he did to her. If she was going to freak out about something, it would be that. Plus there's another thing."

"What?"

"I think Sean's even more of a monster than we originally thought."

Sam looked skeptical. "Really?"

"I don't know for sure, but from what Zara was saying last night… I think she had a baby." Dean breathed. "I think she had a baby and Sean made her get rid of it."

"You're… you're not real." Zara covered her face with her hands and let out a long breath. This couldn't be real. It was just a hallucination. Yeah. She didn't get enough sleep and now she was seeing things.

"Oh but I am." Sean's voice held a menacing tone. Zara heard the crunching of boots as he walked around the park bench and sat beside her. Nope- still a hallucination. It had to be. Sean was still in the other world. He took a hold of one of her arms to pull it from her face. Then she freaked out. She could feel him. This couldn't be a hallucination. Zara tried to wrench herself out of his grasp to run away but he only gripped her harder. He was stronger than she remembered. He grabbed her other arm and forced her to sit down beside him. "Let's talk." He grinned.

"She's not here, Dean." Sam called out to his brother. They had come back to an empty motel room. Sam had found the note she left for them. Had to go for some fresh air. I'll be back soon. –Z. Sam handed it to Dean who snatched it out of his hand quickly.

"Call her. I gave her my cell." Dean said hastily after he read the note. Sam grabbed his phone out of his pocket and started dialing. "If she's the next target, we have to get to her. We have to make sure she's okay."

"I'm not going to talk to you." Zara spat at Sean- still trying to wrench her arms out of his vice-like grip. Dean's phone buzzed in her pocket but she couldn't get to it.

This is Dean's other, other cell. You know what to do. Dean's voicemail sounded in Sam's ear. "Dammit. She's not answering"

"Why do you hate me?" Sean asked. It didn't seem like he really cared about the answer- like it had just popped into his head.

Zara gave a short, derisive laugh. "Why do I hate you? You beat me. You abused me. You made my life a living hell."

He seemed unfazed by the revelation. "Anything else?"

"You made me kill my baby." Zara whispered- tears filling her eyes. That was the real reason she hated him. She would have gladly taken all the beatings again if only she could have kept her baby. It was her one joy in her life and he had ripped it away from her. She hadn't even been able to find out the sex before he had carted her off to the clinic.

Sean gave her an evil grin. "There we go. Now we're getting somewhere. But that's not entirely true Zara. If you truly wanted to keep that baby, you could have run. You could have told someone. You could have stopped it. It's not actually my fault. You killed your baby." Zara let out a little breath and Sean leaned forward to whisper into her ear. "It's your fault your baby is dead."

Sam and Dean were sprinting down the street looking for Zara. Dean was several steps ahead of Sam. As they were crossing the street, he didn't see the car that whipped around the corner until it was too late. The driver of the car tried to stop but couldn't make it in time because of the ice that was on the road. It slipped and slid across the road and before Dean even knew what was happening, he was laying unconscious on the side of the road. "Dean!" Sam yelled.

Zara was sobbing now. So many times she had lain awake at night thinking the very same things. She kept thinking that she was the monster, not Sean. She was too weak to say no to him and so it was her fault.

Sean was still whispering into her ear. "You are worthless and pathetic and you don't deserve any of the love that your new friends give you." He reached into his coat pocket and drew out a long silver blade. "You killed your baby and you don't deserve to live either." He placed the knife into her hand. Zara looked down at it and let out a long, heavy-laden breath. "Do it."

"Kill myself?" Zara stared at the knife. It seemed like all the guilt she felt for everything she had done was laid out in front of her.

"That's right." Sean purred. "It's all your fault."

"All my fault…" Zara murmured as she turned the hilt of the knife over in her hand. But it wasn't. Being forced to have that abortion wasn't her fault. She wasn't able to get any of the nurses alone to ask for help with Sean standing over her scaring all of them away. He wouldn't have let her speak even if she had been able to find the voice. She was so afraid of him at that point that she was unable to do anything. That wasn't her fault. It was his. She was not the monster. He was. Her grip on the knife tightened and she felt that same calm anger wash over her as with the Leviathan. She had made the decision before she could really even think about it. With one fluid motion, she swung the knife at his head.

The surprise on his face was evident as his body went one way and his head the other. Zara stared at the body in disbelief. She had done it. She had killed him. But why was he here? In everything, she had never asked Sean why he had been in this other dimension. Then she got her answer. Right before her eyes, what used to be Sean morphed into a grotesque looking monster with a hollowed, grey face and pointed teeth. It wasn't him. Zara didn't know if she should be relieved that she hadn't killed an actual person or angry that the man was still breathing the free air.

The car had stopped farther up the road and the driver had gotten out. The young teenaged girl was already crying as she came up to them. "Ohmigawd. I'm so sorry. I'm calling 911 right now."

Sam wasn't listening though. He was trying to wake Dean up. He was breathing and his pulse seemed strong but it looked like his leg was broken and he probably had a concussion as well as a few broken ribs. He needed to go to a hospital. Dean's eyes started to flutter open and he let out a groan. "Dean. Hey, stay still. You've broken some bones." Sam held his brother down so that he wouldn't make anything worse by puncturing a lung or something.

Dean closed his eyes- trying to block out the pain. "Zara?" He managed.

"I'm calling her right now." Sam picked up his cell phone and dialed her again as he heard sirens in the distance. She picked up on the fourth ring.

"Hello?" Her voice sounded garbled like she had been crying but she was alive which make Sam give a sigh of relief.

"Zara! Where are you? Are you okay?" He asked. Dean was watching his brother's face to try and figure out what she was saying.

"The park… I'm okay now."

"Thank god. We were looking for you. Dean got hit by a car."

"OHMYGOD!" She yelled into the phone. "I'll be right there."

Sam hung up in time to see the ambulance pull up and the medics burst out with the gurney. The driver was crying hysterically on the side of the road but he couldn't go comfort her. He needed to be with his brother.


	23. Chapter 23

Trigger Warning: Zara talks very briefly about her suicidal thoughts from last chapter.

Chapter 23

*Knock Knock Knock* Sam rapped on the open door to Dean's hospital room. "Hey." Sam said as he and Zara walked into the hospital room to see Dean laid up in the bed. There were bandages around his head and middle and his leg was wrapped in a cast. As soon as Dean's eyes locked on Zara, he visibly relaxed. She was okay.

"Hey." Dean managed to croak back.

"Are they letting you out today or are we breaking you out?" Sam asked jokingly.

Dean smiled. "Yeah, they're letting me out." It had been a running joke with them. Of course the doctors weren't going to let them out. It was either they broke out or got in trouble for not having real insurance. "Could you…" Dean motioned his head in a way that told Sam he wanted to talk to Zara alone. Sam gave him a little smile and left the room to go find a wheelchair.

Zara stood off to the side- biting her lip and keeping her gaze down. She was the whole reason Dean had been hit by that car. It was her fault. It's your fault. The monster's voice echoed back in her head. It's your fault.

"Zara." Dean interrupted her thoughts. She didn't look up. "Hey…" He said softly. "Come 'ere." Zara shuffled forward and stood beside the hospital bed. Her tear-filled golden eyes met his kind green ones. Dean reached out and put a hand on her cheek comfortingly. She closed her eyes and leaned her face into his hand. A few tears squeezed out and fell down her face. "It's not your fault." Dean wiped the tears away with his thumb. She still hadn't said anything since she had walked in with Sam. He searched her face. "Say something… please?"

Zara let out a shuddering breath. "I'm so sorry." She whispered as she opened her eyes again. "You could have died and it's all my fault."

Dean sighed and put his hand down. "No. It isn't. I'm here because I was being stupid and not watching where I was going. I'll be fine. Don't worry about me." Zara gave him a sad smile and nodded. She pulled up a chair to sit next to him. "What about you? Are you okay?" Dean's voice filled with emotion. "I was so worried about you. I thought with what happened last night and the monster using nightmares that you were next."

"I was…" Zara bit her lip. "He's dead."

Dean's eyebrows shot up. That makes two monsters in a week. It made him feel better to know that she could take care of herself. He couldn't hide the fact that he was pretty damn proud of her too. "What happened?"

"I took a walk and he found me and I killed him."

Dean gave her a look. "I'm sure there's a lot in there that you're skipping over there, Princess." Zara didn't answer. She just gave him a sad little stare. "What happened, Zara?"

"It doesn't matter now." The look on her face said otherwise.

"Yes it does and you said you'd tell me at some point." Dean gave her his best puppy dog face.

Zara rolled her eyes. She had promised to explain... She took a deep breath as she gathered her thoughts. She hadn't ever told anyone what she was about to say, but out of all the people in the world she knew, Dean was the one she trusted the most. "As you probably figured out from my… episode last night, I had a baby- er, well, I was pregnant. I wanted to keep the baby but Sean didn't. And when he found out…" She looked down at her lap and bit her lip to keep the emotions in. "When he found out, he forced me to have an abortion."

"Zara I'm so sorry." Dean murmured- wishing that he could get out of the bed and hug her. He took her hand in his instead and squeezed it comfortingly.

"I'm making my peace with it." Zara gave a little smile.

"But what happened today? That has something to do with it too."

"The monster, whatever it was, found me on my walk. He looked like Sean and he tried to convince me that it was all my fault. He wanted me to kill myself."

"But you didn't." Dean said softly.

"I… I almost did."

"You what?" Dean asked hurriedly. He gripped her hand tighter as if that alone would keep her in this world.

"I almost did what he said." Zara choked out. It was almost impossible to keep the tears in anymore. She let a few drop. "I wanted an end, you know? I wanted all the guilt, and pain, and fear to stop. I knew that if I did it, I would never have to see Sean again. Even worlds away, he is still torturing me, Dean. I can't escape it. Every time I wake up, I think that I'll wake up next to him. Every time I go to sleep, I wonder if this was all just a dream and my nightmares are the reality. Every time I hear someone behind me or someone touches me I think it's him. He ruined my life, Dean, and I'm still not free of him. And so I sat there with that knife, ready to end it all, when I realized that there was another way I could be free. I could kill him instead. And I did." Dean noticed that feral glint in her eyes again that made her look anything but human. Her voice hardened. "And I'm not sorry. I would do it again in a heartbeat. My only regret is that it wasn't actually him."

"Well maybe you'll get a chance to sometime." Dean assured her.

"Hopefully soon. I want that bastard to rot in Hell." Zara said grimly.

"He will." Dean promised.

Zara looked up to see a look of determination on his face. He wanted justice for her as much as she did. Even when he was in a hospital bed, he was still trying to protect her. Zara's heart filled with gratitude for all that he had done for her. She leaned up and kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you." She whispered- meeting his confused gaze while still keeping her face close to his.

"For what?" He asked as his cheeks reddened. He was trying desperately to not read into the kiss.

Zara leaned back and gave him a little half smile. "For everything. For being amazing. For caring." She said sincerely. "You make me feel safe and you drive away the nightmares. I can't imagine what I would do without you. So… thank you."

Sam took his time finding a wheelchair. He knew that Zara had a lot to tell Dean about what happened. She had told him a bit on the way and he was amazed at how well Zara handled herself. He was about to head back to the room when he felt a tap on his shoulder. Sam turned around to see Lucifer grin at him before disappearing again. "You can't get rid of me forever." Lucifer's whisper came from the direction of the room. Sam spun around again to get a glimpse of him but he wasn't there. Sam started absentmindedly rubbing his hand again. The whispers quieted but the feeling that he was being watched never left him.

Sam shook his head to clear it and headed up the hallway. He didn't want to trouble Dean and Zara, but it was getting worse every day. It was only a matter of time before the visions came back full force and the thought terrified him. He masked the trembling in his hands by gripping the handles of the wheelchair tighter and walking a little faster. As he neared the door, he peeked in to see if Zara was done with telling Dean what had happened. He looked in just in time to see Zara give Dean a peck on the cheek which made Sam smile.

Reluctant to spoil the moment, Sam waited outside the door for another minute more. He could hear them talking quietly behind him. Their murmuring blended in with the rest of the whispering going on in his head. Sam closed his eyes and tried to focus on reality. Eventually, he got his fevered mind together and pushed into the room. "Hey." He greeted them as if nothing was happening.

"Hey." Zara said. She looked over at Dean. "You ready to go?"

Dean nodded wearily and he started shifting on the bed so that Sam could help him into the wheelchair. He would have to wait until his leg and ribs were healed before he could walk on his own again. Sam threw an arm over Dean's shoulder and supported him as he stood on his good leg and sank down into the chair. Zara grabbed Dean's clothes that had been piled on the counter and followed after the brothers.

They had become adept at escaping hospitals without being noticed so it was only a few minutes until they were in the Impala on their way back to Rufus' cabin. Dean was forced to lie in the back for once to accommodate his injuries, so Sam was driving and Zara was sitting in the front going through their extensive tape collection. She quickly chose one and put it in. The speakers played Slow Ride by Foghat as they cruised down the road lost in their own little worlds.


	24. Chapter 24

A/N Sorry about the chapter spam. I remembered that my FF.net posting of this story was 6 chapters ahead of this one and that's just not fair to anyone. So here's a bunch of chapters!!!  
Chapter 24

"Morning Sleepyheads!" Bobby yelled into the living room. Zara and Sam, who were on the couches, woke up groggily. They had gotten in late last night from the last hunt. Dean got invalid privileges so he got the only available bed. The smell of bacon and eggs frying on the stove wafted in and enticed them to get up faster and join in breakfast. Dean was already sitting in his stolen wheelchair, scarfing down his breakfast by the time the other two stumbled into the kitchen.

Bobby was setting out the last of the food and humming a tune Zara didn't recognize. "What's got you so chipper this morning, Bobby?" Sam asked.

"Found a cheap house back in Soux Falls." Bobby said. "We can be in within the week."

"That's great!" Sam said- mostly relieved that they wouldn't have to be sleeping on Rufus' couches anymore.

Zara was happy that they had found a house again but she knew they wouldn't need it as soon as they got the key to the bunker. Unfortunately she didn't know when exactly that was going to happen so there was no point in waiting. Honestly, she still felt bad that she hadn't been able to save the last house. She knew the future, why couldn't she make a difference? Sure, she had saved Balthazar, but Ellie still died, Sam was still hearing Lucifer, and the Leviathans were still on the loose. Even Dean breaking his leg had happened in the series albeit delayed in reality thanks to Zara. Maybe it was only a matter of time until fate reasserted itself and Balthazar died again too? Would that mean Bobby would still die? Maybe she couldn't really make a difference at all and she was just going to have to watch everything fall through her fingers without being able to change anything. It was so frustrating! Zara put her head down on the table in defeat.

"What's up?" Dean asked her worriedly.

"I'm sorry, Bobby." Zara's voice was muffled through her arms.

"For what?" Bobby asked.

"I should have remembered about the house." Zara lifted her head up and looked Bobby in the eye. "By the time I woke up, it was past saving."

Bobby's face softened. "Zara, some things were just meant to happen. Sometimes fate can't be stopped and nothing you do can change it. It wasn't your fault."

Zara gave him a weak smile. At least he wasn't angry at her. It didn't make her feel better about fate though. She couldn't accept that Bobby or Balthazar still had to die. She couldn't. "I'm still sorry about it." Sorry about the house… or sorry about his fate.

Bobby put a hand on her shoulder and looked her in the eye. "You didn't set it on fire. The leviathans did. And we're gonna make those sons'a'bitches pay."

"But how are we going to find them?" Sam asked.

The three men looked at Zara expectantly. As the resident time traveler, it seemed it was her job to tell them everything. Unfortunately, the first few episodes of season 7 hadn't really jumped out at Zara. She didn't remember what was going to happen. Sure, she knew the major plot developments but everything leading up to that was a bit fuzzy.

Zara grimaced and looked up at them. "I don't know."

"You don't…" Bobby sighed. "Looks like we'll be doing this the old fashioned way then."

"I wish I could be more helpful but this part wasn't all that memorable. I've got 9 years of your life stored up in my head. Some of it is bound to get jumbled and forgotten."

Dean gave her a little smile and put his hand over hers on the table. "It's alright. It was going to happen anyway right? Could you maybe tell us the highlights? What's coming up?"

"Fine." Zara cast her thoughts back to the time when she was watching the 7th season for the first time. Frankly, she hadn't been paying much attention. It was after she had found out her brother had died in combat. Watching Supernatural without her brother hadn't felt right and she had just married Sean who didn't like watching it either. In all honesty, she probably had skipped several episodes near the beginning. By the end of the season though, she was back to watching full force. It was her one escape from the beatings.

She sighed. "I don't remember the next couple months for… reasons." Dean cast a curious look at her. "But I do know that the Leviathans will lay low for a bit… Cas turns up at some point and heals Sam…"

Sam grimaced at that. He didn't want everyone reminded that he was on the verge of insanity. He was keeping it together for the most part but it was getting worse. Sam knew that it was only a matter of time before he snapped, but now that he knew the consequences of his healing, he wondered if there could be some other way. Despite everything that Cas had done, he didn't deserve being driven insane.

"Why aren't we looking for Cas then?" Dean asked.

"Because he will turn up when he's ready. I promise. He's okay." Dean didn't look convinced, but Zara knew that Cas would need time to heal. Where he was, he would also get a glimpse into a normal life and honestly, he deserved it. Zara continued. "We need to keep an eye out for the Leviathan tablet, Dick Roman, and Kevin Tran."

"The what and who?" Bobby asked. "None of those ring a bell."

"The Leviathan Tablet is God's instruction manual on all things black and gooey." Zara explained. "Dick Roman is their leader. He's a… he's a dick. And Kevin…" Zara thought back to all that happens to the poor kid in the next few years. "Kevin is a prophet, he's the only one who can read the tablet… and he's family."

"Family, huh?" Dean asked skeptically.

Zara nodded seriously. "Kevin Tran is family and you should appreciate him a lot more than you do considering all that he does… will do for you." She looked sternly at Dean specifically. In the show, Kevin was vastly underappreciated. If Zara was going to have anything to do with this story, she was determined to change that.

Dean threw up his hands. "Hey, don't accuse me of something I haven't done yet! That's not fair!"

Zara lifted an eyebrow at him. "It may not be but there's a lot I could be accusing you of right now and Kevin Tran is only one of them."

Dean looked down. That was a sobering thought. What choices was he going to have to make in the future? What unthinkable things would he be driven to do? He had already done so much wrong in his life. Apparently, there would be more. "Well will you at least tell me what I've done so I can apologize in advance?" He offered.

"No." Zara had watched enough Dr. Who to know how that worked out. "This information is on a need to know basis. When you need to know, you will. And don't you dare go sneaking in my journal. It will only make things harder."

"Yes ma'am." Dean muttered before shoveling the last of his eggs into his mouth.

"You call that laying low?! I'd say that the Leviathans are doing anything but laying low." Dean gestured at the television which was displaying a news report about mass killings. The Winchester's most recent mug shots were displayed along side the reporter. Dean cursed under his breath. It was one thing for monsters to go on a killing spree; it was a whole new level of personal when the monsters were using their faces to do it.

The reported droned on. "The two were presumed dead until two days ago when they appeared in a bank in Jericho, California and killed 15 people. We have just gotten reports that they have resurfaced in Lost Creek, Colorado. Casualty reports have yet to come in. More on this story as it develops."

"Shit." Sam cursed under his breath. "We've gotta stop this."

"But how do we know where they are going?" Dean sighed. "I mean, first California and then Colorado? They don't seem to be following a pattern here."

Zara had been quietly watching the news report trying her hardest to remember what was happening. Those two cities seemed familiar but she just couldn't quite put her finger on it. Dean and Sam were looking at her attentively. "What do-"

"Shhhh." Zara interrupted as she held up a finger. She closed her eyes. Jericho… Jericho… Why was that town so familiar? "What cases have you had in Jericho?"

"Uhhhh… Didn't we have a vengeful spirit case there a few years back?" Sam asked.

"Yeah! That was our first case after you left Stanford." Dean said.

Zara's eyes shot open. She knew what the Leviathans were doing. Hadn't Crowley done a similar thing? "Your second was the Wendigo in Lost Creek. They're following every case you had after you two got back together."

"So where are they going next?" Dean was trying to think back.

Zara beat him to it though. Despite it being 10 years ago for her, she had watched Season 1 several times since then. She knew it like the back of her hand. "Next is 'Dead in the Water' with another vengeful spirit. It was the one where the kid wouldn't talk but drew you pictures as clues."

Sam nodded. "I remember that one. That was in Lake Manitoc."

"Right. We can be there in a couple days." Dean smiled.

Sam cast him a sidelong glance. "I'm not sure you should come with us, Dean."

Dean looked down at his leg which was still in a full cast. He was confined to his wheelchair because his broken ribs made crutches unbearable. He shook his head and grinned. "Nah. I'll be fine. I'll kill those sons'a'bitches before you can even get your knife out." They could at least take him along maybe.

Zara rolled her eyes. 'We'll be fine and riding in the car will only hurt your ribs more." She assured him. "Sam and I will take care of it and be back before we know it."

"At least take Bobby with you."

"Bobby is leaving to take care of the new house. We don't need him."

Dean sighed. "I'm coming." He said firmly. "You can't stop me."

Zara and Sam were about to argue against him but they interrupted by the sound of angel wings. Zara turned quickly to see her guardian angel was standing behind her. "Balthazar!" She threw her arms around him and gave him a hug. He hugged her back and gave her a little smile as she let him go. "How have you been?"

"I am fine. I came back to tell you news of the prophet you asked about.

Zara smiled. "How is Kevin?

"He is fine. He has been very hard at work studying for some sort of exam. It doesn't seem like he is in any danger past getting a paper cut." Balthazar said sarcastically. He finally took his eyes off of his charge to look around the room. His eyes widened when he saw Dean. "What happened?"

"I got hit by a car." Dean grumbled. "Any chance you have any angel mojo to spare? We've gotta get going on another case."

"Ah yes. Fine work on that Crocotta, Zara. I would have intervened but it seemed like you had it under control." Balthazar put his hand on her shoulder- as proud as if he were her real brother.

"Hello… angel mojo?" Dean waved Balthazar over to him. Balthazar rolled his eyes and put two fingers Dean's forehead. Dean's bandages disappeared and he stood up- stretching his arms behind his back and sighing. "Thanks, Feathers."

"I'm not your personal medic Dean, and I can only take a limited supply of power from Heaven without being noticed by those who still want to kill me. I can't just heal you after every hunt so be more careful next time." Balthazar scolded before turning back to Zara and putting his hands on her shoulders. "Aside from the monster, are you okay?" Zara nodded. His voice sounded in your head. Are you comfortable with the Winchesters?

Zara's eyes went wide at the unusual form or communication. She remembered Balthazar saying something about a psychic link with the guardian sigil. Yes. She thought in reply- hoping he would hear her. Apparently he did.

Good. If you ever feel like you need to leave them- that you don't feel safe, I will get you away. Do you understand me? You are my first priority and I will always protect you

I know. Thank you.

Dean looked uneasily between the two. They were staring at each other intensely and he could tell that there was a conversation going on. What were they talking about that he wasn't allowed to hear? "Hey." He snapped in between both of their faces.

Be safe, Akele. I must find the other charges. I will return soon.

Goodbye Bal. And good luck.

Balthazar disappeared and Zara looked over at Dean. "Ready to go?"

Dean sighed. Apparently he wasn't going to know what they were saying. "As I'll ever be. You ready Sammy?" Sam didn't answer. He seemed to be lost in thought. "Saaaaaammmmmmmyyyyyyyyy."

"Huh? Oh right. Yeah. I'm ready. Let's go." Sam eyed the other two uneasily. He didn't want them to know how long he had been clocked out- hallucinating. It didn't seem like Dean or Zara had noticed though and he let out a sigh of relief. They quickly packed their bags and left- leaving Rufus' cabin far behind.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

"Alright, so what's the plan?" Sam asked as they entered yet another dingy motel room. They had just gotten to the town that they expected the Leviathans to turn up next.

"We kill the Leviathans and make sure that they are still wearing your faces when they die so you're legally dead again." Zara answered readily.

"Right. Sounds easy enough." Dean muttered sarcastically. He flopped onto the couch. "Except me and Sam haven't even killed one of these things before. We don't know how they think or how they fight. Do they shift as much as regular shapeshifters do? What are we going up against?"

"Plus law enforcement is going to be looking for us. It's not like we can just walk around in the open. We'll get arrested." Sam dumped his duffel onto the farther bed before crashing on it himself.

"Then don't get arrested." Zara shrugged. "Stay here and I'll handle it. The cops aren't looking for me."

Dean shot up. "No." He said firmly. "There's no way we're letting you go out on your own against those monsters. What? Are you crazy? No. New plan."

"Dean, if either of you two go anywhere, people are gonna recognize you. Your faces are all over the news. You'll get arrested before you even find them." Zara reasoned.

Dean walked over to Zara and put his hand on her shoulder. He bent down so he could look her eye to eye. "I am not going to let you go out there alone against two Leviathans." He said firmly. "Do you hear me?" Dean's eyes softened. "I don't want to lose you again." He said quietly. All his emotions went into that last sentence. He couldn't lose her again. When he thought that that Crocotta had gotten her, he was so afraid and worried for her that he couldn't even think straight. All he could think was that she had to be alive. She had to be. And when he saw her in that hospital room, it felt like he could finally breathe again. And then she had given him that kiss on the cheek. No. He couldn't think about that. She didn't mean anything by it. She couldn't have feelings for him. It was too soon, but he still hoped…

An expression that Dean couldn't decipher came over Zara's face before she bit her lip and stepped back- widening the space between them. She crossed her arms over stomach. "What do you plan on doing then?" She asked quietly.

"We can't go around asking people questions." Dean went back over to the couch. "So I guess we'll drive around until we see something suspicious."

"We're going to need a new car." Sam piped up. "I've been looking at the police reports. Apparently the Leviathans copied the Impala too."

Dean cursed under his breath. "The car too? Really?"

"I hate this." Dean cursed as they drove down the road in a little Prius. "This car, this job… It just feels wrong." They had recently left the main part of town and were now driving through some back neighborhoods to see if anything fishy was going on there. The sun was just going down and it was getting dark but they still hadn't seen anything that looked like the Leviathans' handiwork.

"It's just until we can get this mess worked out." Sam sighed.

"I still don't like it." Dean grumbled. "And we've been driving around for hours. I'm not seeing anything. You sure this was the next place on the list?" He looked at Zara in the back seat.

Zara shrugged. "Yeah it should be." She was lost in her own little world- thinking about what Dean had said earlier.

Why was Dean being so protective? Sure, he had been protective of her since she had gotten here but why? It wasn't like she was that special or anything. She was just someone who crashed into their lives. She was just a person who happened to know their futures. She was of little use to the Winchesters otherwise and would have probably been left on her own a long time ago if she didn't have such valuable information.

So why didn't it feel that way? Why did it feel like there was more than that? Why did Dean feel the need to protect her so much? It was all there in that one sentence. "I don't want to lose you again." In her heart, she knew. She knew Dean maybe had feelings for her. She wasn't blind, but she couldn't accept it. She wasn't ready to. Zara knew that if she accepted that, she would allow herself to accept other things- to let herself have those kinds of feelings again too and she just couldn't. It was so much easier to feel broken and unfeeling than to open herself up to getting hurt again.

There was still a part of her that was hopeful though- a little part that said that she could love again… some day. It wasn't like she would fall into the same trap that she had fallen into last time. She knew Dean. She knew his past and his future. She knew almost everything about him. He wouldn't hurt her. He had been nothing but kind and gentle to her. (Except that one time… but he was protecting Sammy and he apologized...) If she was going to fall in love with anybody, it would be him. He was everything she ever wanted- kind, protective, strong, funny, and handsome… God, he was handsome. He knew just what she was feeling and he made her forget about her past.

Worthless, stupid, pathetic, disgusting. No one will love you. You are just a useless piece of shit and I should have never married you. I don't even want to look at you right now. Go make my dinner. The random thoughts of Sean's abuse washed over Zara unexpectedly- making her cringe. They would always come back just when she felt like she was almost free. It made her feel even more broken. This is why she didn't deserve Dean. He didn't deserve having to deal with this. She wasn't ready to feel- to love again.

The suburban houses rolled by illuminated only by the streetlamps and the lightning bugs. Zara smiled a little. Lightning bugs. They always reminded her of happy times. She may be broken now, but she could heal. This world, this life, this kind, goofy, amazing man in the front seat- they were all teaching her to feel again. She was beginning to heal and maybe, not yet, but maybe… she could learn to love again.

Both men were completely oblivious to what was going on behind them. They were in full hunter mode. Zara smiled at them- her boys… her family doing what they do best. "But why are they following a pattern in the first place?" Sam asked. "Why go in order when they could just kill whoever they wanted to?"

"You think it's a trap?" Dean asked.

"Probably." Sam sighed. "It doesn't seem like they want to be found yet though. We've been all around this town and there's been nothing. Maybe we should head back- regroup."

Dean looked back at Zara to see if that was alright with her. She just nodded. "Yeah. Sounds like a plan." Dean turned around and started to head back to the motel.

"Hey, order some pizza." Dean told Sam as he crashed on the couch. "I'm hungry and someone won't let us go out to eat." He cast a mock accusing glance at Zara.

"It's not my fault monsters are running around with your face, Muscles." Zara stuck her tongue out at him. The mood driving around in the car all day had been odd. Zara had been silent the whole time- trying to figure out whatever was happening between her and Dean. It felt nice to revert back to the usual joking banter that they were all used to.

"What toppings do you like?" Sam asked. The hotel phone was propped in between his head and his shoulder.

"Anything but fish." Zara answered. "Or pineapple. Why they put fruit on top of a savory pizza is beyond me."

Dean scoffed. "You don't like ham and pineapple? Everybody likes ham and pineapple!"

"Fruit is for the beginning and end of meals- salads and desserts." Zara proclaimed. "No one will convince me otherwise!"

"Good thing we don't usually order that then." Sam smirked. "Is meat lovers okay with you?" Zara nodded and Sam went back to ordering. "Yeah I'll take a large meat lovers…"

"So no fruit on pizza…" Dean mused. "Any other weird things?"

"I hate mangoes." Zara shrugged.

"What did mangoes ever do to you?"

"Nothing. They're just gross, but give me anything with apples in it and I'm your girl."

Dean tossed his hands up. "They're practically the same thing!"

"No they aren't!" Zara retorted. "They taste completely dif-"

She was interrupted by a knock at the door. All three of them were instantly on high alert. It was too soon for pizza and they weren't expecting anyone else. Dean motioned for Sam and Zara to go towards the window on the other side of the room and he inched towards the door- gun in hand. Sam started opening the window just in case. Thankfully they were only on the second floor. It wouldn't be too bad of a jump into the shrubs lining the back. Dean took a look out the peep hole and immediately turned around motioning for Sam to jump. "Five-O. Let's go!" He hissed.

They could hear the muffled yelling from behind the door. "Police! Open up!"

Sam took no time in slipping out the window and landing heavily on his feet. Zara looked quickly back at Dean before sitting on the ledge. "Don't worry. He'll catch you." He reassured her before she nodded and jumped out as well. Sam caught her quickly. Their duffels soon followed her out the window, but Dean still had to gather up some things that they had unpacked.

Sam handed her the lightest one and nudged her towards the wooded park that was across the street. "Run. Go to the far end and wait for us there. We'll be right behind."

"But-" Zara didn't just want to leave them there.

"Go!" Sam nudged her again.

Without another word, Zara sprinted off and was soon out of sight in the paths of the park. Dean's head poked out of the window and he threw the last duffel out before jumping as well. Just as he landed, the splintering of wood could be heard from within the room. Before they could follow Zara into the park however, they were surrounded by police cars. Dean cursed under his breath and they both dropped their duffels to raise their hands. "Did she get away?" He asked under his breath. The police men were out of the cars now and had guns trained on them. Dean automatically started counting guns. One, two, three… six. Really? Six? They really rolled out the red carpet for them this time.

"Yeah. She's in the park." Sam answered and Dean relaxed. At least she got away.

The Winchesters honestly would have probably just run away from these small town cops, but it seemed that this was the most action many of them had seen in years- considering the shaking hands. They didn't want to get shot just because a jumpy new guy got trigger happy.

"You have the right to remain silent…" Dean rolled his eyes as one of the cops railed off the Miranda Rights. He was an older man who looked fairly close to retirement. Dean was surprised that this much excitement didn't do the old man in. Another cop moved to cuff them. "Anything you say or do can and will be held against you in a court of law… You have the right to an attorney…"

Dean gave him a patient smile. "Yes, well, this is all just a big misunderstanding. It's a long story. You see there are these monsters…" Sam widened his eyes at Dean and would have kicked him if it wasn't for all the guns pointed at him.

"Cut the crap." The cop snapped. Maybe he was spryer than Dean thought. "You two are wanted for dozens of accounts of murder, assault, arson, and theft among others. It'll be good to see you behind bars."

"Like I said, it's a long story."

"Crap." Zara breathed. She had only made it into the cover of the trees before turning around to see if the Winchesters were following. Instead she found that they had been caught. Dean was giving them little condescending retorts while Sam was casting his eyes around for exits. His eyes locked onto hers in the brush. Zara started motioning. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Wait for us." Sam mouthed. "We'll be out by tomorrow."

Zara nodded. Of course she wasn't just going to wait for them without trying to get them out, but she couldn't tell him that. "Watch out for monsters." She mouthed back and pointed at the cops- letting him know that they could be anyone. That was all she could get to him before he was led into a car and they drove away- leaving Zara alone in the cold, winter air.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

"Where's the other one?" The cop questioning Dean just inside his cell asked.

Dean was getting tired of answering all these questions. It wasn't like they were going to believe him anyway. "What other one?"

"Your accomplice. Our informant said you were with a lady friend too. Where is she?" The expression on the old cop's face darkened. "Did you kill her too?"

"What? No!" Dean scoffed. "We weren't with anyone else."

"You know lying to a cop is a federal offence."

"No, I'm pretty sure I've used that one before. My genius brother said it isn't."

"Your basket case of a brother? He's been talking to himself ever since we put him in a cell."

Dean's eyes widened and he spoke lowly. "Don't you talk about my brother like that. He's the smartest person I know. He went to Stanford. He was going to be a lawyer."

"Looks like you messed him up good then." The cop walked back towards the door. "Maybe the crazy lawyer boy will give us more answers." The cop left Dean alone and he immediately started looking around for something to use to break out. Dean cursed as he finished searching every inch of the cell. There was nothing. They had taken everything useful away from him. He was going to have to rely on Sam getting himself together and getting the both of them out of there.

Zara took a deep breath before walking straight into the police station. The bored looking young cop at the service desk perked up when he saw her walk in. The plaque on the desk read Trystan Stiles. She would have smacked someone for looking her up and down like he was at the moment but she needed the distraction for what she was planning. Zara had put as much extra effort into her appearance as she could in a dingy park restroom, but it did the trick. Her short red dress and heels that were entirely inappropriate for winter weather set off her darker complexion nicely and it hugged all her curves in the right places. The dress combined with the makeup that highlighted her piercing golden eyes served their purpose to entirely distract Mr. Stiles from whatever he was doing at his desk.

"Why hello there darlin'. What can I do for you today?" He looked her up and down again before finally focusing on her face and giving a cocky smile.

Zara restrained the urge to give him a disgusted look and punch his lights out. Instead she gave him a seductive smile and sauntered over to him. "I heard you caught those vile murderers today." She leaned over and put her hand over his causally- though her face said otherwise. "Did you do it all by yourself?"

The cop's chest puffed up. "Well no it was actually a team of guys, but I cuffed up." He gave her a little laugh. "They were pretty dangerous looking."

"Oh no doubt." Zara egged him on. "I'm sure a strong man like you wasn't fazed at all though."

"Of course not. It's all just in a days work." Mr. Stiles shrugged. "You gotta be brave in this line of work."

"You don't think I could see them-" Zara glanced his name plaque. "… Trystan." She gave him a little smile.

Unfortunately, Trystan seemed to balk at the suggestion of breaking protocol. "Well I couldn't-" He took his hand out from under hers uncomfortably. "That's not typical procedure… What was your reason for coming in here?" He asked suspiciously.

Well that wasn't going to work. Zara quickly rethought her plan. She had to get into the back rooms somehow. She needed to at least get past him. She immediately threw on a victim persona. "I've come to report an assault."

The cop sighed before taking out a report paper. "On who?" He asked dully- pen poised above the paper.

"Me. I had a man try to rape me earlier tonight. I think that one of the men you have in custody might be one of them. Maybe I could look at them and tell you for sure?"

The cop automatically put the paper back in the drawer. He had stopped listening after the first few sentences. "Ma'am, with that body and what you're wearing I'm not surprised." Zara quirked her eyebrow at that. This man had ten seconds to take that back. "You look like you we're asking for it. You can't expect a man to..." Zara gave him a sarcastic smile as he continued speaking. Six… Seven… "Just forget about it. I don't want to have to fill out all that dumb paperwork for something like that." Eight… Nine… Ten.

"You idiotic piece of shit." Zara interrupted. "You need to be more serious about your job. Sexual assault is never the fault of the victim." His eyes widened and he didn't have the chance to reply before she punched him straight in the nose.

… So assault of a police officer wasn't exactly Zara's plan for getting thrown in jail. She grinned to herself as she sat on the cold metal bench in the cell. He did deserve it though and she did end up getting in. They even had forgotten to check if she had anything to hide. Zara took the lock picking kit out from underneath her dress and got to work on the door. This was almost too easy. A jiggling at the door made Zara quickly stop and throw her tools under the bench. The door opened to reveal Dean.

Zara jumped up and threw herself into Dean's arms- giving him a big hug. "Dean! How'd you get out?" She asked.

Dean drew her back gently so that he could see her face. "I didn't." He whispered. Zara watched in horror as Dean's face morphed into her own. Her own voice came out of the monster's mouth. "Why not have a little fun with Deanie before I eat him? Too bad you've been taken off the menu by the higher ups." The monster threw Zara across the room and she cracked her head hard on the far wall. "I'll be back for you, dearie. Ta!" The Leviathan gave her a taunting wave before closing the door behind her. Zara caught just a glimpse of a bloodstained office beyond before the door closed and she blacked out.

Dean was just about to call Balthazar for help when Zara opened the door to his cell. "What are you doing here?" He asked bewildered. He took a double take at the getup she was in. She definitely looked good in that dress but he didn't want to think about whatever she had to do to get in here based on those clothes. "I thought Sam told you to wait for us to get ourselves out."

"Well it doesn't look like you're doing a very good job of it right now." Zara smiled.

"You know where Sammy is?" Dean asked as he stood up and started to walk towards to door.

"Yeah. Other Sam is dealing with him right now." Dean's face clouded with confusion as he came to a stop in front of who he thought was Zara. "We should give them a few minutes. Don't you think?"

Crap. They were here. It was a trap. "Leviathan right? I haven't gotten the chance to kill one of you yet." Dean was thinking frantically. He didn't have any weapons and the monster, which was most likely ten times stronger than he was, was between him and the only door. Balthazar! Get your feathery ass down here! He prayed. He hoped for all their sakes that the angel listened to him because it was likely that Zara was incapacitated somewhere. Oh God. He hoped she was just knocked out somewhere.

"But you couldn't hurt your poor, abused girlfriend now could you?" The monster Zara look-alike put on a little pouty face.

"But you're not her." Dean growled.

"Oh but I have her memories, Deanie. And let me tell you, it's a madhouse up here." Fake Zara stepped closer to Dean. "She's so confused- so broken inside. Honestly, you three really do make up quite the bunch- the insane, the victim," She leaned up to whisper into his ear. "-and the monster."

Dean didn't care what the Leviathan thought of him. Zara on the other hand deserved better treatment. "She's more than a victim." He tried to push past her but she just pushed him up against the far wall.

"Ah yes." Fake Zara's face was close to his as her held him against the wall. "She's so much more than that. So much untapped power running through her veins that she doesn't even know about yet. And oh! What's this? A bit of knowledge she shouldn't have in here too!" Dean tried kicking against her but she wouldn't budge. "Looks like you boys are going to be very naughty- especially you, Dean. Oh the things you will do- to your brother, to your pathetic excuse for a family, to the world." Dean's eyes widened. What would he do? What wasn't Zara telling him? "I can't believe she doesn't see you as anything more than a monster because that's what you are and that is what you'll become. You'll become even worse than the monsters you hunt."


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

Balthazar had just finished checking on the next person on his list when he felt the familiar tug of Zara's guardian sigil. Hers was connected to a similar sigil on his arm that twinged whenever one of his charges was in trouble. He immediately looked to where she was to assess the amount of danger she was in and whether it required his help. What he saw though was puzzling. Zara seemed to be in some room talking to Dean. While the older Winchester could be a pain at times, Balthazar knew that Dean would never do anything to hurt her. So why was he being alerted otherwise? He checked back once more. Now she was hugging him. Her sigil must have been scratched or something. That must have been the problem.

It wasn't until a few minutes later when Dean called out to him that Balthazar realized what was going on. He cursed under his breath. Why was he always failing at his job? It was the one thing he was supposed to be good at. Why couldn't he get it right?

Balthazar flew straight to Zara first and he found her passed out on the floor of a jail cell. He rushed over to her to assess her injuries. Her soul shined as bright as ever and she seemed fine other than a bruise on the head. He grimaced. While he hated leaving here there unprotected, it was probably the safest place for her to be while he rescued the idiotic brothers from whatever trouble they had gotten themselves into this time. He healed her injury but left her sleeping on the bed in the room. As soon as he closed the door, he put a ward around it so that he was the only one who could open it. Zara would be safe enough until then.

The adjacent police office was in shambles. Desks and papers were overthrown and littered everywhere. What looked like the remains of three police officers were among the wreckage and there was blood splattered up the walls. While the entire room was in disarray, it was eerily quiet. Balthazar slipped out his angel blade as he made his way to the room next to Zara's. He opened the door to see Sam tied up in a chair and being tortured by… Sam. It was easy for Balthazar to tell which Sam was actually the monster. The real Sam (the one in the chair) had a soul while the other one only had blackness. Fake Sam whirled around as soon as Balthazar walked in.

"Ah, I see I'm late. As usual." Balthazar waltzed over to the monster and smited him before it could even think about attacking. The body of the former Leviathan fell to the floor- its eyes burnt out. Balthazar then chopped its head off just in case it decided that smiting wasn't enough reason to stay dead.

"Thanks." Sam said as Balthazar cut Sam's ropes.

"The most thanks you can give me is to stop getting into situations like this." Balthazar answered sarcastically. "I'm not your babysitter. You're the most famous hunters in the country for Father's sake! Act like it."

"Sorry we don't live up to expectations. It's our main goal in life to impress you." Sam retorted as they both walked out of the room.

Balthazar motioned towards Zara's cell before heading the other way. "Just go guard that door like a good little boy." He said over his shoulder. "Zara's in there. Try not to mess this up." Sam gave him what Balthazar knew was probably his "bitch face" before huffing over to her door and leaning against the wall.

Balthazar paused at the next room. He could hear Dean talking to someone that sounded suspiciously like Zara… He burst into the room to see Dean being held up against the wall by Zara, but in the place of her brighter than normal soul there was only blackness. It was a jarring contrast from what he usually saw when he looked at her.

"Look who's joining the party." Fake Zara mused while still holding Dean against the wall with one hand. "It's the incompetent, second rate, petty excuse for a guardian angel." Balthazar made a move towards them but the Leviathan adjusted her hold on Dean's throat. "One more step, filth, and I'll rip his throat out and eat that while you watch."

Balthazar lowered his blade in a placating gesture. Close your eyes. He spoke into Dean's head. Dean blinked once before comprehending and slamming his eyes shut just as Balthazar showed his true form. The whole room flooded with white light and the Leviathan howled in pain. His angelic presence burned its flesh and by the time the light died down again, all that was left of the monster was a pile of ash.

"You came." Dean nodded at him. "Didn't think you'd listen to me."

"Well I couldn't very well let you get Zara killed on this failed hunt of yours." Balthazar snapped at him- his anger only just simmering beneath the surface.

"We had it under control." Balthazar paused at the idiotic comment and Dean cringed when he realized what he had just said.

Balthazar turned on him sharply. "AT WHAT POINT DID YOU HAVE IT UNDER CONTROL? HMM? Was it when you got all three of you arrested? Or when a Leviathan knocked Zara unconscious? Or when you let the Leviathans massacre the whole police force? Or was it when you here being held against the wall with one hand, two seconds from getting your throat ripped out? Did you have it under control then? Or do I need to remind you that YOU were the one who called for help? Under control my arse." Dean was about to answer but Balthazar continued. "You could have gotten all three of you killed today. If I wasn't seriously doubting your capability to keep Zara safe before this, I certainly am now. I will not hesitate to take her with me next time if I have to- to keep her safe."

"What if she doesn't want to go?" Dean asked lowly. He knew he was walking on thin ice already but it wasn't entirely Balthazar's choice. They had become an odd little family in the months that they had been together. She wouldn't want to just give that up.

"Are you asking that because you think you are the best person to protect her or because you love her?" Balthazar countered. His face softened a little. "I know you don't want her to leave, but we have to think about what is going to keep her safe, Dean. It is my job to put her first in everything- before my happiness, my comfort, and my life. Your life is dangerous. You may love her, but do you love her enough to do what's best for her? Because I do."

Dean stood dumbfounded. Balthazar had put into words what he had been thinking about for quite some time. He didn't want to lose her but he wanted to keep her safe and he didn't know how to do both. "What do you know of love?"

Balthazar glared at him. "More than you would think." He motioned towards Zara's cell and broke the ward surrounding it. "Zara is two doors down. She will wake up in a few hours. If I ever find that you have lost this much control again, I will not hesitate in assuring Zara's safety. I hope that the next time I see you will be under better circumstances, Dean." He flew off in an angry huff leaving Dean behind.

Dean picked Zara up out of the car and carried her up the steps of the new house Bobby had just bought. Bobby had been busy earlier that week finding furnishings so when he walked in it already started to look like home. Dean laid Zara down on the bed in what Bobby had said was her room. He was worried that she still hadn't woken up from the angel induced sleep. They had left Lake Manitoc hours ago and she still hadn't even stirred. He tucked a blanket around her and smoothed a piece of hair out of her face.

What Balthazar said was still ringing in his ears. He had let the situation get out of hand and Zara was put in danger because of him. Both Dean and the angel knew that this life was dangerous but being in this life with him and his brother made it ten times more so. Being close to the Winchesters meant you were probably going to die. Mom, Jess, Pastor Jim, Dad, Adam, Ellen, Jo, Ash, Pamela, all of their friends, heck even their own little team had died… multiple times. It wasn't safe for her to be with them but at the same time, Dean couldn't bear the thought of her leaving.

Maybe that was why he was a monster. He selfishly kept the people he loved most in danger. He deluded himself into thinking that he was keeping them safe when he was actually sealing their fates. The Leviathan was right. He was even worse than the things that he hunted. They killed for food, power, or revenge. He killed by association. And he couldn't bring himself to stop because deep down, he was lonely and too selfish to do what was right for the people he loved. He really was a monster.

Dean moved to the door and looked back at her one more time. The moonlight from the window hit her face and gave her an unearthly beauty that left Dean breathless. She was so beautiful, so pure. She didn't deserve to get hurt by being close to him. He didn't deserve her kindness. She was an angel and he was a monster.


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28

It had only been a few days since the botched Leviathan hunt where Balthazar had to save all of their sorry asses, but Sam was already back at looking for another one. Honestly, Zara didn't mind that they were going back into it so quickly. She actually kind of wished Sam would be a little faster about it. Helping Bobby set up the house was alright and all but it wasn't exactly Zara's favorite thing to do. She was never really a homebody.

It would have been better if Dean hadn't been acting so strange recently. Ever since the last hunt, he had been avoiding her. When she tried to talk to him, he would only give her one word answers and wouldn't even look her in the eye. She had asked him several times what was wrong but he just said it was nothing. Maybe he just needed a little confidence boost. Maybe this next hunt would be good for all of them.

Zara had just finished putting all of the new Tupperware away when Sam walked in with his laptop in hand. She smiled when she saw his expression. She knew that face. That was a "we've got another hunt" face. "Where're we going?" She asked.

"It's not too far- Davenport, Iowa." Sam answered. "A bunch of people have been disappearing. They were all last seen fairly close to a suspicious looking abandoned warehouse. I thought it sounded at least like something we should check out."

"Sounds good…" Zara smiled and then realized that sounded bad. "… I mean- not good for those people, but good that we have another hunt. I think Dean needs something to put his mind on. These last few weeks have been rough."

Sam nodded. He'd been thinking the same thing. Dean had been acting odd lately. "I think he just needs something to go right for once. Hopefully this hunt will help." After that, Zara went to pack their bags and Sam went out to where Dean was working on the Impala to tell him they were leaving.

"Hey, we've got a hunt." Sam shouted out to his brother who was under the hood of the Impala.

Dean's head popped up and he gave Sam a sad smile. "Alright. You and me can leave as soon as I clean up."

Sam furrowed his brow at his brother. "What do you mean? Zara's coming too." Dean was avoiding his gaze. "Dean. What's going on between you two? You were thick as thieves just a few days ago, but after the last hunt you've barely spoken to her."

"I… just don't think she should be here."

Sam scoffed. "She knows everything about us and isn't running away. She can hold her own in a fight. She is one of the only people nowadays that can genuinely make you smile. She's the best thing to happen to us since… since forever."

Dean finally met Sam's eye. "But are we the best things for her?"

"What are you really getting at?"

Dean sighed. "Balthazar said that next time we get her into a situation that out of control again, he'll take her away to some place safer." Dean slammed down the hood of the car. "I was mad at him at first, but now I think I'm starting to agree with him… This life… Our life is no place for her. She deserves better and I don't want to be the reason for her to get hurt." I will not be the selfish monster. Dean thought. My feelings don't matter compared to her life. "Maybe we should just tell her to get out now while she still has the chance- before anything really bad happens."

Sam was silent for a moment. His brother was right, he knew, but he didn't entirely agree with him. Zara could take care of herself. She had proved it time and time again. Not to mention that she was part of the family now. They couldn't just cast out part of their family. "It should be her choice. You shouldn't make that decision for her." Dean wasn't listening anymore though. He just huffed off into the house to gather his things.

"What are we dealing with?" Dean asked as they were driving down the highway. They were only a few minutes away from their destination.

"Well, there are several things that could be hiding out in that warehouse." Sam was scrolling through police reports. "And the warehouse is really just a hunch. It could be anywhere."

"We won't be getting in too late. We could check the warehouse out real quick before we head to the motel." Zara suggested.

"Or we could drop you off and Sam and I could go check it out." Dean countered. Sam shot him a look. He had convinced him to let Zara come, but Dean hadn't promised he'd include her in the action.

"Excuse me?" Zara raised her eyebrows at him. "Since when do I get left behind like some B rated Hollywood side chick?"

Dean sighed. He had already pulled off the highway and was turning into the motel parking lot. "Why don't we talk about this after we get our room? Shall we?"

"I don't understand why you don't want me to go!" Zara exclaimed as all three of them walked into the dingy motel room. Sam went straight to the bathroom- more to avoid their argument than anything else. "What exactly am I supposed to do here?"

"Research." Dean sighed. He threw his duffel and car keys onto a bed. "Please. It's just until we get a clue as to what we're dealing with here."

Zara was fed up with how Dean was acting. He would hardly acknowledge her when they were back at Bobby's but now he was trying to control her. He was going up and down like a rollercoaster and she was having none of it. Zara glanced at the car keys that were only a few feet away. If he wasn't going to let her go with them, she would just go without them. Before Dean could react, she grabbed the keys and rushed to the door.

Dean stared at her uncomprehendingly for a second and then his face darkened. "You aren't going out there by yourself." He said quietly.

Zara narrowed her eyes at him and opened the door. "Watch me." She stepped out and slammed the door behind her.

Dean stared at the closed door in shock as he heard the Impala start and drive away. That brought him to action. He started pounding on the bathroom door. He didn't believe that she could be being serious but the car was gone. She left. She left because of him. Dean cursed under his breath. Now she was going off in a strange town looking for monsters on her own. He had really blown it this time. All he was trying to do was protect her, but instead he was just pushing her away and into more danger.

He continued pounding on the door. "Sammy! We've gotta go! She actually left!"

Sam opened the door abruptly. "She what?!"

Dean looked lost. "I made her angry and she left with the Impala. We've gotta go find her before she actually gets herself in trouble."

"She ran off with the car and you let her?!" Sam asked as he threw on his coat.

"I didn't think she'd actually leave. I thought she was bluffing!"

"When is she ever bluffing, Dean?"

They left the room to see that she had, in fact, gone. The car was nowhere in sight. Dean cursed again. "Where is she headed?"

Sam's eyes widened. "Idon't know. The address was on my laptop… It's still in the car."

Dean's face paled to a ghostly white. "What have I done?"

Tears were blurring Zara's vision as she sped down the road towards her destination. Her initial anger had burned off into hurt and confusion. She didn't understand what had happened to Dean. Why had the past few days changed his attitude towards her so much? Maybe he just didn't want her there anymore. Maybe it was something she had done. Maybe she had mistaken whatever affection she thought he had had for her. Maybe… Whatever it was, he didn't seem to want her there. The realization of that hurt more than it should have.

The black mass of the warehouse loomed before her. Zara took a deep breath. One more hunt. One more hunt and then she would leave the boys alone and never bother them again. She could hunt solo. She knew how to take care of herself. Besides, they had the journal. They wouldn't need her anymore. Zara got out of the car and took her angel blade out of her jacket as she walked towards the warehouse. She could hear her phone buzzing in the car but she didn't care anymore. One more hunt and they wouldn't have to care either.


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29

Zara opened her eyes to see the light filtering in through a bedroom window. She was lying in a bed and someone was pressed up behind her with his arm around her waist. Zara didn't dare to turn around and see that it was Sean. She couldn't bear to think that everything had been a dream. That couldn't be right... could it? Her mind raced. She didn't remember getting here. What had happened before this? She had been with Sam and Dean and they had been in some sort of fight… Zara tried to think but it only made her head hurt. The person behind her stirred and started to wake up. "Morning Princess." He mumbled before tightening his grip around her middle and giving her a little kiss on the back of her neck. Zara froze. That wasn't Sean's voice. It was Dean's.

"Morning." She barely squeaked out. What was happening? Why was Dean in bed with her? She had to admit it was nice, but this couldn't be happening. Dean let go of her, got out of bed, and went into the bathroom. As soon as the door was closed, Zara shot straight up in the bed. It appeared that she was in a house… like an honest to goodness real suburban house. She got out of bed and went over to the dresser. There were various odds and ends that one would find in any old home- loose change, keys, stray jewelry, and a photo. Zara blinked the rest of the sleep out of her eyes and gave the photo a double take. It was a picture of her and Dean… in wedding clothes? What the hell? She started breathing faster and stumbled back to sit on the bed in shock.

She heard the toilet flush and the door open behind her. Dean came over to her and touched her shoulder gently. "You okay?"

Zara looked up to him- her eyes as wide as saucers. "What's happening?"

Dean's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?" He reached up and nudged a strand of hair out of her face. Zara couldn't tell what was weirder- Dean acting so foreword or the fact that she seemed so perfectly comfortable with it. Granted, the gesture was odd, but she was okay with him doing it. It somehow felt… right. She knew for a fact that, had it been any other man, she would be freaking out right about now- a reflex from her abusive experience. But Dean? She could trust Dean. She knew he would never hurt her.

That didn't explain why it was happening though. "We were on a hunt." Zara started. "We were hunting a… what were we hunting? I don't remember. But I got jumped and… and I woke up here. What is happening?" She asked again.

Dean chuckled. "Hunting? What? Like Bambi and his mother? I thought you hated killing wild animals. Must have been some weird sort of dream." He got up and started rifling through the clothes in the dresser.

Dean thought hunting was just wild animals? Something was seriously wrong here. Zara looked around some more. "Where's Sam?"

Dean stiffened. "Sam?" He turned around with a sad and concerned look on his face. "Honey, Sam died in a car crash last year. Don't you remember that?"

Zara decided to play along. "Right." She gave a faint apologetic smile. "Sorry." Dean turned around again and picked up a shirt to put on. "Where are you going?"

"The hospital. Remember?" His voice was muffled through the shirt he had over his head.

"For what?"

Dean adjusted the shirt and sat back on the bed. He smiled. "You've gotta be joking. You know 'what for.'" He lovingly put his hand on her slightly protruding belly and Zara stopped breathing. Dean looked lovingly into her eyes. "I know you're hoping for a girl but I'm excited to find out either way." Everything froze in place. All Zara could hear was the pounding of her heart which seemed to echo one word. Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant. She was pregnant.

"Zara! Zara!" Dean was shaking her. "Wake up! Come on!" The monster in the warehouse had turned out to be a Djinn. It had taken the Winchesters hours to find the right place and every minute Dean was imagining the horrors that were probably happening to Zara out there alone. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have underestimated her like that?

When they finally found the Impala parked outside, Dean breathed a sigh of relief. At least she was here… somewhere. Nothing could have prepared him to see her strung up and unconscious among the various other victims. The others were dead. The Djinn was now dead. Dean prayed that at least Zara was still alive.

"Come on! Please!" Dean pleaded with her. Just when he was about to despair that they had lost her to the Djinn induced dream world, her eyes began flutter and open. Her eyes locked onto his instantly. "Are you okay?" He asked. She didn't answer. Instead she looked down at her stomach and bit her lip. "Zara, are you okay?" Dean pressed.

"Y-yeah." She mumbled.

"I'm sorry." He hugged her to him. "I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. I should have insisted on going with you. I shouldn't have let you leave." He searched her face to see if she had understood anything he was saying. His gaze was only met by a faraway, sad expression. Whatever had happened in the last few hours, between them and by herself, apparently she didn't want to talk about it. That was okay. She had a right to be mad at him after what he had done. He would give her time.

Dean helped her up and they all went back to the Impala to begin the journey home. Zara was quiet the whole way back. She had curled her legs up against her chest, hugging them with her arms, and was looking out the window. She was trying to keep the hiccupping sobs as quiet as possible but a few escaped.

Sam looked back at her through the rearview mirror. "Are you okay?" He asked gently. Dean was lost in his own world of self loathing but brought himself out to hear her answer. She was all he really cared about.

Zara took a shuddering breath and tried in vain to compose herself. Between her and Dean's fight and the Djinn dream, she was decidedly not okay. She wouldn't be okay for a while. The dream kept on playing through her mind again and again. "I-I… I need to get something at the store before we go home tonight. Alright?"

Sam nodded. "Sure, we'll stop on the way. What do you need?"

She just shook her head.

Dean cleared his throat a little. "Um, about that… uh, fight earlier-"

"Now's not the time, Dean." Zara cut in abruptly. "I don't want to talk about it."

Dean snapped his eyes back to the road. "Yeah." His voice cracked a little- betraying his emotions. "Yeah. Okay."

Zara sat on the floor of the locked bathroom clutching the pregnancy test. She knew that it had finished some time ago but she had covered the results window with her thumbs- refusing to look at it quite yet. The Djinn dream had made her realize something. She hadn't gotten her period in the two months that she had been there, which was abnormal for her. She had also been having weird cravings and odd emotional mood swings. She had mostly ignored these things- thinking that they could just be because of everything that had happened recently, but the dream had put the idea in her head and she just couldn't ignore it anymore.

Zara had always wanted kids. It was something that she had wanted even from the time that she was a young child. The day she found out she was pregnant with Sean's child last year was the happiest day of her life up until Sean found out. She never stopped hating him for making her abort her baby. It was then that she truly realized what a monster her former husband really was. She had cried for weeks after that incident and now… now, to even think that she might have a second chance was… it was so many things… exciting, amazing, wonderful… terrifying.

She couldn't imagine bringing a baby into this new world of monsters and mayhem, but she wasn't about to let anyone hurt her child. Not again. Not ever. She couldn't stay with the Winchesters though. Even before this hunt she had decided she was going to leave. This would just be another reason.

It didn't matter that Dean was pretending to care tonight after she got jumped. She knew how he really felt. Dean didn't want her. He definitely wouldn't want her there if she was pregnant. She held back a little sob. Just when she was beginning to feel again, something like this happens. How could she be so stupid to think that Dean would feel anything towards her? She just knew he couldn't see her as anything but broken, used, and worthless, but she thought he was the sun. It was Sean all over again and she couldn't be in another relationship like that. She promised herself she would never let herself do that again. She had to leave. She had to leave now.

She could go with Balthazar. He would protect her and if she was pregnant, he would protect her baby too. Everything would be okay. She would be okay. Zara took a deep breath and started to move her thumbs off of the window. She HAD to know. Zara steeled herself and looked at the test… there was a little plus sign. Her heartbeat started pounding in her ears again. Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant.


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30

Winchesters-

I'm leaving with Balthazar. Please don't follow me. There are much more important things to be doing right now. I'm sorry I have caused you so much trouble. Stay safe.

-Zara

Zara placed the note she had written on the store receipt on top of her journal and put them on the nightstand. The boys would find it in the morning. She looked between the two sleeping boys- her family. Or at least, she enjoyed pretending to be part of their little family for a while. She didn't know how Sam would take it, but Dean would probably be relieved. She padded quietly to the door of the motel room- the same one she had stormed out of just hours before. So much had happened since then.

Zara paused and took one last look back at them. Despite everything, leaving Dean was going to be the hardest. He seemed so much younger and carefree when he was sleeping. Zara tried to memorize how he looked before tearing herself away and walking out the door. It hurt a lot more than she thought it would. He may have not cared that much, but she had opened herself up to him. She had let herself believe that she could love someone again- that she could love him. And now it was over. She had to do what was best for her and for her baby. Being in this life was reckless. And this wasn't just her being reckless with her own life anymore. This was being reckless with her child's as well. That above all was what gave Zara the resolve to walk away from that motel. She had made a promise and she was going to keep it.

Zara leaned against the Impala and looked up to the sky. "Bal." She whispered. "Balthazar, I need you."

Before she could say anything else, the angel appeared next to her. "What's wrong, Akele?"

Zara immediately pulled Balthazar into a crushing hug. She couldn't keep the tears in anymore. She needed some release for all of the emotions that were bottled up inside of her. Balthazar didn't ask any questions. He just put his arms around her and gave her a comforting squeeze. "Take me away." Zara whispered. "I need to leave." She stayed that way for a while, clutching Balthazar as if he were her anchor in the storm of emotions, and he let her. When she had finally calmed down, she noticed she was no longer cold. Zara opened her eyes and pulled away, she found that instead of standing in a cold and wet parking lot, they were in a large, cozy living room with a fire blazing in the fireplace.

Balthazar smiled sadly at her and let her go. "Ontario, Canada. Is that far enough away?"

Zara looked around in awe- the tears still drying on her face. The living room was positively massive with chandeliers hanging from the ceiling and couches everywhere. Opposite the fireplace was a large bar and a pool table. An opening on one end of the room revealed a large foyer with a spiral stair case. Another opening seemed to promise an enormous kitchen. It was the closest thing to a mansion Zara had ever been in.

"Welcome to my humble abode." He snapped a glass of wine and a mug of hot chocolate into his hands and handed the mug to her one to her.

"You… have a mansion." That was all Zara could manage as she sipped on her drink.

"Yes I do." Balthazar confirmed dryly. He sat on one of the plush red sofas. "But I doubt you called me to you just to admire my interior decorating."

Zara bit her lip. "No…" She sat on the sofa next to him. "I'm pregnant." She whispered as if saying it any louder would call Sean's wrath down on her.

Balthazar glanced down at her stomach for a second before meeting her eyes again. "Congratulations."

"Did you know?"

Balthazar sighed. "I realized it after I saved the three of you a few days ago."

"Did you tell Dean? Is that why he's been acting so strangely recently?"

Balthazar took a sip of his wine. "I would never tell anyone your secrets without your permission and I most definitely did not tell Dean. Has he been unkind to you?"

"He's been acting weird ever since that hunt." Zara sighed. "But I don't want to talk about him. My baby is what's important right now. I can't be with the Winchesters if I want it to be safe. I can't go through losing another child."

Balthazar put his wine glass down and pulled her into another hug. "And you won't. I will protect you. Nothing will happen to your child. I promise."

"Thank you. May I stay here?" She asked tentatively.

"Of course, Akele. You didn't even have to ask."

Balthazar showed Zara to a guest room and left her alone for a bit to get acquainted with the place while he got some things for her. She sat mindlessly on the plush bed. Everything that had happened to her in the last few hours was still reeling through her mind: Dean's moodiness, the hunt, the fight, her dream, the baby. It was all so much and it threatened to overwhelm her. Zara decided to focus on only one thing- her baby. It was what was most important right now. It was the only thing on her mind that didn't make her depressed.

Zara got up and looked at herself in the vanity mirror. She was only a couple months along, so she wasn't showing yet, but it made her happy just thinking about it. She splayed her hand over her stomach. She was going to have a baby. She was going to be a mother. Sean wouldn't be able to take this away from her. Not ever.

Zara smiled as she backed up and flopped onto the bed again. She let her thoughts drift from one thing to another for a while until she had a random thought. She wasn't human. Zara had frankly ignored the whole "Word of God hybrid" thing since she found out about it. It scared her. Being… not human was odd and frightening and life was just so much easier when she could pretend that that side of her didn't exist. Zara would have liked to continue ignoring it but she couldn't help but wonder what all of that meant for her baby.

"Balthazar?" She whispered into the quietness of the room.

The angel was there in a second. He paced over to the bed and sat criss cross apple sauce next to her head. Zara would have laughed about how ordinary and particularly unangelic he looked at that moment is she had been in a different mood. "What did you want to ask me?"

"What about the baby?" Zara asked as she stared up at the canopy that was above the bed. "I'm not fully human. Will it be like me? Will what I am harm it?"

"Ah." The angel tilted his head. "I honestly don't know."

"You don't…" Zara sighed. "That's real helpful, thanks."

Balthazar moved to lean against the pillows at the head of the bed. "Well I'd advise against using whatever power you have in relation to your… other half. I don't think using it would have many good side effects on the baby."

"I don't even know the first thing about how to use it in the first place and I don't really want to learn." Zara interrupted as she moved to sit next to him.

Balthazar nodded. He was frankly relieved to hear that Zara didn't want to learn about that part of herself. Last time she was forced to use her power (via crazed leviathan Cas), she almost died. However, he knew that eventually Zara would want to know about it and he didn't have nearly enough information to satisfy her. That information was to be given to him to relay to her when the time was right. Unfortunately, the guardian angels were wiped out before that could happen. A new plan began forming in Balthazar's mind. He knew where to get the information. The "Word of God" tablet was hidden Heaven somewhere. He just had to find it without getting caught. There were still those in Heaven who wanted to kill him for deserting after everything. It would be dangerous, but it would be worth it. Akele was more important than anything else.

Zara had fallen silent and was gazing at him questioningly while he thought about his new plan. "What are you thinking?"

Balthazar put on a carefree expression to hide his newly forming plan. "Oh nothing. Just thinking about the baby. Have you thought of a name yet?"

Zara gave a little laugh. "I don't even know what sex it is yet."

"May I?" Balthazar held up a hand and looked at her for permission. She nodded eagerly and he put his hand lightly against her stomach. "Do you want to know?" He retracted his hand.

"Of course!" Her eyes sparkled excitedly.

"Maybe I should keep it a secret." He smirked.

"Balthazar, if you don't tell me right now, I'll push you off this bed!" Zara tried to give him her best mean face. It didn't really work.

He leaned forward conspiratorially and whispered. "I see tutus in your future… or basketballs. You know, whatever she likes."

Zara smiled and tried to hold in a squeal. She had always kind of hoped it was a girl. Her first thought was that she should tell Dean, but she stopped herself. She couldn't tell Dean. She had left them. The Winchesters didn't need her in their lives.

Balthazar noticed the change in her mood. "What?" When Zara didn't answer, he knew. "Call them."

"I can't." She whispered.

"Why not? They have to be worrying about you. You've been gone for hours."

"They don't care about me, Balthazar."

Balthazar sighed. So this was the other reason for her coming to him crying last night. "That's complete and utter horse crap." He stated bluntly. "I've never seen those boys, particularly Dean, care about anything more than they care for you. You're a part of their family and you can't think for a moment that they don't want you there with them."

"Then why has Dean been acting like it?" Zara sighed. She really didn't want to be thinking about Dean right now but it was inevitable.

"That's something that only Dean can answer. Call him."

"I don't want to." Zara huffed.

"You're acting like a petulant child." Balthazar chided. "You are just going to be moping around here reliving lies until you and Dean work this out. Just call him for goodness sakes." Balthazar tossed her phone at her before he got up and headed towards her door. "Call him."

Zara sighed as she watched the angel leave her room. Balthazar may be right, but she was having so many emotions right now that she couldn't even begin to deal with Dean yet.


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter 31

The first thing that Dean did as soon as he woke up was to check on Sam and Zara. It was always his first reaction upon waking up- drilled into him since childhood. Always protect his family. Sam was sleeping peacefully on the couch but Zara's bed looked untouched. She hadn't said anything to either of them once they had gotten back last night. Zara had locked herself in the bathroom and didn't come out. Dean automatically looked towards the bathroom to see if she had slept there instead. The door was open and the light was off.

Dean was out of bed in an instant. Where is she? Where is she? Where is she? He searched the room frantically and then the parking lot and then he went and asked the motel manager. He didn't care if he was wearing nothing but his boxer shorts and a T-shirt. Zara was gone and it was all his fault. He rushed back to the room to get Sam to come help him but Sam was already up when he walked in. He was holding what looked like a note hastily scrawled on a receipt.

When Sam noticed his brother had walked in, he stormed over to him, threw the paper and pushed past him. "You happy now? You got what you wanted." He gave his brother a disappointed look before walking out of the door.

Dean picked up the crinkled paper that had fallen to the floor and read the note. Before he even got the chance to call Balthazar, the angel appeared- sitting on the bed farther from him. "What did you do now, Dean? Whatever you said to her has gotten her quite riled up." He said sarcastically.

All the anger and pain Dean felt went towards Balthazar in that moment. "You bring her back right now. You son of a bitch. We had a deal. You said you wouldn't take her-"

"Unless you let the situation get out of hand." Balthazar interrupted. "Which you have to admit, you did a fine job of again last night. And put some clothes on." Balthazar snapped and Dean was fully clothed. "I didn't 'steal her away' last night. She asked me to take her."

That made Dean pause for a second. "Why?" He asked.

"I will not tell her secrets without her permission, but it is more than your little spat the other day. You should ask her why she left. Give her a call." Balthazar said and then he disappeared.

Zara walked through the large empty kitchen in her PJ pants and a long sweater to get another cup of tea. Her hair was in yesterday's messy bun and whatever makeup she had been wearing was long gone. She didn't care that she had been doing nothing but Netflixing and sleeping for the past week. Zara felt like she owed herself. After all that had happened, she decided to just take a week off from everything.

Like every morning that she had been there, she pressed the voicemail button on her phone and let the messages play while the teapot was boiling. She didn't know why she did it. Maybe it was to torture herself. Maybe it was just to hear their voices again. But it had become routine. The automated voice started droning on…

*7 Saved Messages*

Zara, hey, it's me. *long pause* I'm sorry. This is all my fault. I was pushing you away to protect you. I thought the only way you'd be safe was far from our crazy life. I still think that, but I can't let you leave like this. I can't let our last real conversation be a fight. I can't bear thinking that you left because we didn't want you. We want you here, Zara. We- I just don't want you to get hurt. Please believe me. I don't want you to hate me. I don't want you to think that I don't care about you. I do. Let me tell you. Answer the phone. Please. I miss you.

*Beep*

Zara, me again. Balthazar told me to call you. I know you have your phone. Please, just… just answer. We need to talk. I was wrong to push you away. I was wrong in trying to control you. I was probably acting just as bad as Sean. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I only wanted you to be safe. I guess I got what I wanted… but that doesn't mean I'm happy about it. I miss you.

*Beep*

Hey. Please pick up the phone. It's been three days. At least let me know you're okay. I miss you.

*Beep*

ZARA! *crash* Oops… Heh… Sorry Bobby… I think I'm drunk. I don't know… yeah… yeah, I'm drunk. I read your note again today... Ya know? Leaving a note is a really cowardly thing to do. And you know what? I hate cowards. I can't stand someone who won't stand up and look me in the eye. They're worth nothing to me. And you know what? YOU CAN GO TO- *CRASH… cursing… groaning…* … I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I really… really didn't mean that. I just wish you'd tell me why. Why won't you call back? I'm sorry. I miss you.

*Beep*

Hey Zara, It's Sam. Dean's passed out on the couch. I don't know what he said to you, but he probably didn't mean it. He's been really messed up since you left. He needs you here. We both need you here. Please… come home. Or at least call. Let us know you're okay.

*Beep*

Zara. Sorry for last night. I was more than a little drunk… I didn't mean what I said. I just wish you would call and tell us what's going on… I wanted to keep you safe, but I didn't want you to hate me. It's probably really selfish of me to say this, but I want you here. I need you here. Please. Come home. I miss you.

*Beep*

Zara, it's been almost a week. I know you are listening to these messages. I know it. Are you really that angry at me or is this about something else? Balthazar said this was something else. Tell me what it is. Just answer the damn phone! Please… just answer the phone. I miss you.

*Beep*

The last recording on the voicemail ended as Zara sat at the table clutching her cup of tea. She stared dully at the wall and took a sip of her drink. She had forgiven him after the second message… 5 days ago. Zara couldn't hold a grudge against him for long and frankly, she knew that her emotions that led to her leaving like that were unfounded. The Winchesters cared about her. There was no denying that.

I miss you.

Away from all of the emotions and turmoil that had aided her in her flight, she couldn't help but acknowledge that the Djinn dream was true, too. A life with Dean was what she wanted more than anything. She would have gladly stayed in that dream forever if she didn't know it was fake. Zara didn't want to admit it, but she had fallen in love with the crazy hunter and that "I miss you"… it told her everything she needed to know. She couldn't stay angry with him forever. She wasn't angry with him. She understood now that he was only trying to protect her. He didn't want her to get hurt like everyone else in his life.

I miss you.

She wanted to go back. He wanted her to come back. If only it was that simple… but it wasn't. There was a bigger, more important reason that she couldn't ignore. She didn't care about her own safety, but she couldn't put the life of her baby at risk.

I miss you.

She hadn't noticed when Balthazar had come in but he was sitting in the chair across from her at the kitchen table- looking at her curiously. "You've forgiven him. He obviously still thinks it's his fault you're here. Why don't you at least relieve him of his guilt? I'm tired of the headache his loud, angry prayers give me."

Zara sighed. They had had this conversation every time the angel caught her listening to the messages. "Because if I actually talk to him, he'll convince me to come back. I can't go back. I have to protect my baby."

"You need to at least tell him that. You owe it to him." Balthazar pinched the bridge of his nose- ignoring yet another angst ridden rant from a certain Winchester. "What are you really afraid of? That he'll make you get rid of it like Sean did? If you really think that little of Dean Winchester, you are mistaken. I may not think very highly of him, but I do know that he cares for you and would never do something like that to you. Ever. He would care for that baby as if she was his own." Zara tried to interrupt him but he held up a finger. "I also know your real reason for staying here is to protect her and I believe that Dean would agree with you. He would understand if you would just talk to him."

By now he was used to Zara ignoring what he had to say on the subject. Most of the time, Balthazar was off working on his newest project- finding the tablet. But every day he would come in at lunch and at night to check on her and maybe share a meal if she was hungry. Every day he would urge her to call Dean because he saw how unhappy she was without him. He didn't want her to be unhappy, even if Dean wasn't exactly his favorite human in the world. At least Dean could make her genuinely smile.

Balthazar got up and headed over to the newly stocked pantry. He didn't need to eat, and before Zara was here, he only used this house sparingly, but it was nice to actually put the place to use once in a while. He got out the ingredients to make grilled cheese sandwiches and started to heat up a pan. No one but Zara knew, but he liked to cook. It was one of the human things he seemed to be relatively good at and it felt nice to be useful sometimes.

Over the sound of sizzling bread, he could hear Zara's phone ringing. Balthazar impatiently tapped his spatula on the side of the pan- trying to weigh in his support of answering instead of letting it go to voicemail… again. The angel cast Zara a disapproving look over his shoulder when he heard the ringer end without an answer. Zara caught him looking at her and stuck her tongue out at him before pressing the voicemail button.

The receipt crinkled in Dean's hand. He couldn't believe he hadn't seen it before. It was right in front of him this entire time. Dean had probably read that note a hundred times and never once did he look at what was on the other side. Zara only bought one thing the night before she left. He hadn't given it much thought previously but now it made so much sense that it would have something to do with her running away. She had bought the one thing that made it all make sense- a pregnancy test.

Dean didn't know how long he had been sitting there just staring into space but it must have been a while since the sun had been up for a while now. Dean didn't remember going to bed. He couldn't remember the last time he slept. Without Zara around, Dean felt like he couldn't relax. It was amazing how one person could affect him so much.

Zara had told him about what Sean had done to her when he found out she was pregnant the first time. She wasn't going to let something like that happen ever again. Maybe she was afraid that Dean would force her to abort it. Frankly, considering how he had been acting recently, he wouldn't be surprised if she thought that. The fact that he was doing it to protect her didn't excuse being as bad as Sean.

He had to call her- to tell her that he was sorry, that he wasn't like Sean, that he would let her do whatever she felt was right. She wasn't going to answer. She never did. But Balthazar said she listened and that was all that mattered.

Dean reached over to his phone and pressed her speed dial. As the phone rang, his eyes drooped a little and he fought back a yawn. He hadn't slept in a long time. Dean needed sleep but he needed to talk to Zara more.

*1 New Message*

Hey, Zara. I looked at the note again… I mean I really looked. It was on your receipt from that night. I never asked what you bought but… it was a pregnancy test. You're pregnant aren't you? *long silence… sigh* Is this what all this is about? You don't think we- that I would want you if you had a baby? You couldn't be more wrong. Zara, please just call so we can talk about this. We need to talk about this… It's been ages... I miss you.

*Beep*

Balthazar placed the grilled cheese sandwich in front of Zara. She seemed frozen in a state of shock. "He knows. It looks like you don't have any excuses left, Akele."


	32. Chapter 32

Chapter 32

The dial tone droned in Zara's ear for what seemed like ages. Balthazar had left a little while ago and her grilled cheese sat still untouched on the plate. Zara got up and went to the large sliding glass doors in the kitchen that showed a breathtaking view of a lake farther down the mountain. At least she could look at something pretty while she faced this conversation. She was afraid that Dean wouldn't answer. It was what she deserved considering she ignored his calls for a week.

Zara sighed when she heard his voicemail. "This is Dean Winchester. If this is an emergency-" It cut off when he answered it. "…Hullo?" Dean's sleepy voice could be heard through the phone.

Zara smiled a little. That was her Dean. That was how she remembered him. "You must have been up real late last night if you're still sleeping at noon, Dean." She chided.

There was silence on the other line before she could hear him whisper unbelievingly. "Zara?"

"Hi." Zara said in a small voice. Now that she was actually talking to him, she was incredibly embarrassed at how she had acted- leaving without saying goodbye, not answering her phone… for a week.

"Oh my god. Where have you been? Are you okay? Why didn't you call?" The words tumbled out of his mouth faster than Zara thought was possible.

"I'm fine." Zara smiled at the concern in his voice. How could she ever think that he didn't care?

"I can't believe you actually called. I was beginning to think… to think that I'd never see you again. Why don't you come home?"

Zara bit her lip. "I- I can't."

There was a moment of silence before Dean spoke again. "Because of the baby? I'd never do what Sean did to you. You have to believe that."

"That's not the real reason I left. I need to keep her safe, Dean. You know what a hunter's life is like. I can't put her in danger like that."

"Oh." She knew he would probably be hurt by that comment. It was as if she was saying she didn't trust him to protect them, but in reality all the people around the Winchesters ended up dead. Her baby would not be one of them. He might not be too happy about it but he would agree with her in the end. His voice was a little strained the next time he spoke. "Her? It's a girl?" He was avoiding the bigger issue and she let him for now.

"Yeah." Zara smiled.

"Have you thought of a name?"

"I picked one out, but I don't want to tell anyone yet." Zara was always funny about names. Naming a thing made it more real- more breakable. She wasn't quite ready to share her with the world yet. When the name was still just a thought in her mind, she felt like she could keep her all to herself. No one else could know her child on such a profound level as Zara could, and she felt like that kept her safer for some reason.

"Right." Dean seemed to be at a loss for words. Now that he was able to talk to her he didn't have anything to say. Something just wasn't right. Their usual easy banter was gone and the uncomfortable silences seemed to stretch longer and longer.

"Dean, I'm sorry." Zara started. She probably should have led with that, but she hadn't had the courage before. "I'm sorry for getting angry and storming off. I'm sorry for making you worry. I'm sorry for running away without saying goodbye. I'm sorry that I can't come home. I'm sorry."

"Oh, Zara." Dean sighed. "It's alright. I just wish you would have talked to us about this before leaving. It would have made everything easier."

"I thought you would try to convince me to stay."

"Of course we would have tried. But we also understand what our life does to the people around us. I wouldn't have stopped you if you felt that leaving was your best option." It pained Dean to say it, but he knew it was his own selfishness that was putting her in danger. "It's partially my fault too. You probably would have done that if I hadn't been acting like such an uncaring ass."

Zara smirked a little. She couldn't stand the tension between them any longer. "You were kinda acting like an ass." She said jokingly.

"Hee Haw." Dean brayed comically into the phone- making Zara laugh. "There's the Zara I know." He smiled. Dean had missed her laugh the most. "Sam doesn't think my jokes are funny."

"Your jokes aren't funny." Zara teased. "You're mistaking my groaning for laughter."

"Well maybe your sense of humor is just off." Dean mocked back. "Maybe I'll have to call you every day and subject you to my jokes until you learn the true finesse of my comedy."

"The horror!" She gasped and then both of them started laughing. It wasn't even that funny but it felt good just to laugh together again and neither of them wanted the happy moment to end. They cracked jokes for a few more minutes- making up for lost time in any way that they could. "Thanks for making me laugh again, muscles." Zara finally wheezed. "I really needed that."

"Yeah, me too."

Zara sighed again. No matter how much she wanted to stay on the line with him, she could also tell from his voice that he was exhausted. "I should go."

"Alright." Dean answered reluctantly. He knew that it wouldn't be the last time she would call. This wasn't goodbye forever like he dreaded. "Goodbye. Zara. I miss you."

Zara smiled a little. There were those words again. He always ended his messages with that. And it didn't feel like a normal "I miss you." It felt like so much more. It was all of his emotions, desires, and dreams wrapped up in three words. It was "I miss you." And "I want you to be safe." And "I'm sorry." And "I'd do anything for you." It might not have been said, but Dean's "I miss you" held every characteristic of anyone else's "I love you."

Zara didn't feel right flippantly throwing those words back at him like they were nothing when they clearly meant something more to him. It made her think of what her mother would say to her father every time he would leave for work. "Stay safe." She would say it to him every day up until the say he was gunned down during a robbery. "Stay safe." It was what she would say to both Zara and her brother when they would leave to go anywhere. "Stay safe." Her mother said it to Brennon when he left for Afghanistan. "Stay safe." It was what she said to Zara when she was on her deathbed- dying from brain cancer. "Stay safe."

Those two words meant just as much, if not more, to Zara as "I miss you" did to Dean. She only ever said it to the people that meant the most to her. It was something sacred. It was one of the last things her mother gave to her. "Stay safe" was her mother's "I love you."

It only felt right that Zara would use her mother's words when her own failed her. "Stay safe, Dean."

A young man walked into his boss's large office. "Sir?" He asked tentatively. "We finally got an answer on the asset's phone."

Dick Roman quirked an eyebrow. It had been over a week since they lost track of the asset. "Did you get a location?"

"No, but it's only a matter of time." The young man shuffled uncomfortably. He knew that if his job wasn't done right, he'd get bibbed- which was a fancy term for forced self-cannibalism. Leviathans didn't mess around when it came to capital punishment. Fortunately, Dick seemed to be in a good mood today.

"Okay." Dick raised a hand to dismiss him.

"Uh, sir?"

"Yes?" He asked impatiently.

"The rumor from last night was confirmed. She is pregnant."

Azriel shifted uncomfortably under Balthazar's gaze. The younger angel hadn't known the other guardian angels before they were killed off, but he had heard stories about them. They were diligent, cunning, and fiercely loyal to the people they were charged to protect. They were also, unpredictable and the most human out of all of the angels. It was no wonder the Archangels felt the need to kill them.

However, Azriel had also heard about Balthazar- the worst of the guardians. His track record was decidedly sub par. How many charges had died under his care? -More than half most definitely. It was almost comical that out of all the guardians, he was the one to survive. That was before he sided with Castiel and helped ruin Heaven, too. Azriel knew that he would get into trouble for even talking to Balthazar but he had no other choice when he was at the wrong end of an angel blade.

"Do you have a death wish, Balthazar? Being in Heaven at all could get you killed, but going after a tablet? And not just any tablet, the first tablet? You must be insane." Azriel glanced nervously at the blade pointed at his chest.

"Probably." Balthazar shrugged. "You're too young to have known any of the guardians, but you must have heard about them. You know how we can get a little intense when it comes to the ones we protect." He increased the pressure on his blade.

"You're still taking charges?" Azriel scoffed. "-With your track record?"

Balthazar gritted his teeth. "I knew angels were gossips. Though, I always underestimated their tendency towards telling and believing vicious lies." He spoke lowly- only just keeping his anger in check. "Do not lie to me Azriel. Where do they keep the tablet?"

The younger angel panicked when he felt the blade pierce his vessel and he could see white grace spilling out. "The tablet is probably in the inner vault." He said hastily.

"Thank you." Balthazar smirked and he pushed the blade the rest of the way into the angel's chest. "Now was that so hard?"


	33. Chapter 33

Chapter 33

"So, I have a question, and you don't have to answer if you don't want to." Dean started.

Zara had a feeling that she knew what the question was going to be. They had been talking on the phone every couple days and he had been skirting around the issue. "Shoot."

Dean took a breath before he asked. "Who's the father?"

Ah- the million dollar question. "Sean." She stated matter-of-factly.

"What?!" He exclaimed unbelievingly.

Obviously he was going to need more explanation than that. "One, I don't cheat. Two, apparently you haven't heard of the honeymoon stage in the cycle of abuse. 'Cause that's a thing."

"I just can't believe that after everything he did to you…"

"I don't expect you to understand, Dean." She said bitterly.

"But I'm trying to." He offered.

Zara sighed as she tried to pull her words together. Of course her reasoning in staying with her abusive husband was faulty, but it didn't seem that way at the time. "Whenever he realized I was about to leave him, Sean would change. He would turn nice again. He would shower me with gifts and compliments and for those few short days, I could pretend that the old Sean was back. I always knew that it would end. He would eventually revert back to being a monster, but those little times gave me hope- ya know? It always made me think that, if I stayed for the long haul, I could change him."

"But people don't change."

"I know that!" Zara snapped at him irritably. "Away from everything, it all makes sense. I know I wasn't thinking straight. But in the moment, it's not so clear."

"I guess I get that." Dean conceded. "I just can't believe you would actually…" He trailed off.

Zara snorted at his unwillingness to say it out loud. "I think it's funny you find it so hard to believe that I had sex with my husband."

"-Who was also an abusive asshole."

Zara sighed. "Would it really have been better if I was sleeping around behind his back?"

"No, I guess not." Dean didn't know exactly how he felt about all that. It just felt so wrong. Dean let out a long breath. "So the baby is Sean's."

"No." Zara said quickly. "Sean may have been the father of my child, but he has no claim over her whatsoever. He lost that right when he shot me in that cemetery. Whoever my child eventually calls 'father' will have earned it."

"Then I guess I have my work cut out for me." He said seriously.

Tears pricked Zara's eyes when she realized what he was saying. She had kind of hoped he would feel that way, but to hear him say it… "Dean…" She breathed.

He quickly amended it- thinking he had overstepped his bounds. "I mean, if you'll have me."

"Of course, Dean. You've already earned it. If you want the title, it's yours." She said seriously.

"Really? I'm not sure I know much about being a dad." He trailed off uncertainly.

"You are the most qualified person I know. You're brave and loyal. You would give up everything for your family. Don't forget that I actually know your life story, Dean. I know that you were the one who really raised Sam, and he turned out great."

"I… wow." Dean paused- thinking about everything that that meant. "I'm honored." He said reverently.

"I couldn't think of anyone better than you, Dean."

"Does that mean I get to know her name now?"

Zara thought about it for a minute. Sharing her name with anyone else didn't feel right to her quite yet, but not so with Dean. He was going to be her father figure. He deserved to know before anyone else. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Her name is Alicia Grace."

"Alicia Grace." Dean said it out loud- trying it out. "Alicia Grace… Winchester?"

Zara laughed. "Really?"

"Well I don't know your maiden name and she shouldn't have Sean's. Do you want her to have yours?" He offered.

"No, Alicia McGuillicuddy just sounds weird. Winchester fits just fine." Zara agreed.

"I like that." Dean smiled. "Your last name is McGuillicuddy? Really? That's a mouthful."

"Imagine learning to say it when you were 3." Zara laughed.

"Zara McGuillicuddy... Well we really need to change that. Zara Winchester sounds so much better. You are part of the family. You ought to have the name as well." Dean reasoned.

"Zara Winchester?" She smiled. It only felt right after all. "Might as well make it a matched set I guess." Zara agreed. They both left the obvious implications unsaid but wholly felt. For some reason talking about being parents together was so much easier than facing their own feelings.

"So when are you coming home so I can see little Winchester and mommy Winchester?" He asked- still smiling that she accepted his name. It was a little thing, but it made him really happy.

"I was thinking once everything calms down with the Leviathans. We should be pretty close to getting the bunker key by then and that thing is the safest place on earth." It felt good to talk about coming back, even if it was a while from now. Zara knew she couldn't live in Balthazar's house for too long without going stir crazy and she needed her boys again.

"And when does that happen?"

"I don't really know. It's sometime Season 8. Predicting the future isn't an exact science for me."

"Season 8." Dean scoffed. "That's still weird. I'm not gonna lie."

"Shut up." Zara teased. "You know it's easier for me to organize it that way. Anyway, your life has been written up in book form. It's not much different."

"Doesn't mean it's not creepy…"

"Alright, I miss you." Dean got off of the phone to see Sam grinning at him. "What?" He asked self-consciously.

"You miss her…"

"I- yeah…" Dean mumbled. "We both miss her."

"No that 'I miss you' isn't the same. You love her." Sam grinned when he saw Dean turn away- hiding his face.

"I-" He tried to deny it but Sam cut him off.

"You do."

After a moment of indecision, Dean decided it was no use. He couldn't hide anything from his brother. "I do.

"Good." Sam encouraged him. It was nice to see some sort of positivity in their lives. "She really seems to make you happy."

Of course Lucifer couldn't let Sam be happy for his brother for long though. "How much you wana bet she'll die within the year, eh Sammy?" He started whispering into his ear as if he was telling Sam an amazing secret. "You Winchesters have a reputation to uphold. How long did any of your girlfriends last? One year? Maybe two? It's only a matter of time. You know, I think I'd wager half of Hell that she'll last four months, five tops…"

"It's been a week, Jackson. How come you still don't know where the call is coming from?" Dick Roman walked around his desk to lean against it right in front of his now least favorite IT guy.

"I-I there's some sort of angelic scrambling signal. I don't know how to get around it." He stuttered.

Dick gave him a tight lipped smile. "Jackson, I had high hopes for you. But here at Roman Enterprises, we pride ourselves in progress. Does it sound like you're making progress?" Jackson shook his head. "No? Well then I guess you see why I'm going to have to let you go."

"I'm sorry sir. It won't happen again." Jackson fell to the floor- begging. "Please sir, if you would just give me another chance."

Dick looked down at him distastefully before motioning to his secretary who was standing in the corner. "Bib him." He went back to sit in his chair while the secretary tied a large plastic bib with the picture of a lobster around the IT guy's neck. "Like I said, Jackson, I like progress and you're just not cutting it."

Jackson's eyes filled with fear as he started to feel the cursed object begin to work on him. It was only a matter of time until nothing was left but the bib lying haphazardly on the ground.

Dick looked back up at his secretary. "Pick that up and then tell Ms. Bradbury to come up from IT. I have some things to discuss with her."

"So you want me to track a cell phone?" The redhead asked. Charlie Bradbury had just been a regular IT girl- minding her own business for the most part. Well, if slightly illegal cyber hacking counted as minding your own business. She didn't understand why she was sitting in the office of the head of Roman Enterprises. "Mind if I ask why?"

"One of my opponents has stolen an important piece of equipment from me. I want to know where she is so that I can… persuade her to give it back." Dick sighed inwardly. Working with humans was so tedious. They had so many questions and were tricky to deal with- especially if he was going to keep her in the dark about things. It would have been easier to get one of his Leviathans to do it, but none of them were capable enough. Charlie Bradbury had a gift that was impossible to copy- like Zara. He handed her the file that Jackson had compiled on the case. "You have a week."


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter 34

Balthazar appeared in the living room and stumbled over to the bar- breathlessly. Maybe a drink would calm his still racing nerves. It had been a narrow escape from Heaven this time. An angel had recognized him and sent guards after him.

But it was all worth it. Now he had the information he needed. Azriel was right. The tablet was in the inner vaults. He had seen it but he wasn't able to get to it without getting caught. It was much more heavily guarded than he thought it would be. He would have to plan out his thievery carefully.

Balthazar sighed. It was one thing for him to be in Heaven at all considering his reputation with the angels, but it was ten times worse to be caught snooping around in the more important vaults uninvited. Getting this thing and avoiding being thrown into Heaven's prison was going to be difficult. But he knew that every second the angels had it, they would be closer to learning about Zara and using the tablet against her. If "Godstiel" had taught him anything, it was that angels could never be trusted- especially with someone as special as Zara. She could be a very powerful asset to those who knew how to use her power against her. He had to get to the tablet before they even knew they needed it.

"Bal?" Zara asked as she walked into the living room. "You're back early."

Balthazar spun around to face Zara- trying to mask the lingering fear in his eyes. "I thought I'd get carry out." He snapped and a bag of Chinese food appeared on the counter.

Zara looked closer at him. He was leaning on the bar with a carefree expression but something in his eyes betrayed him. "Are you okay? You seem tense."

"I'm fine." He insisted.

She sighed and grabbed her Lo Mein from the bag. "Someday, I'm going to get you to tell me what you're doing."

Balthazar hesitated. He probably shouldn't hide what he was doing from her, but he knew she wouldn't want him to be risking his life. It was better if she didn't worry about it. "I'll tell you anything you want to know- except that."

"Fine." Zara smiled. "Tell me about being a guardian. What was it like? What happened to all of the others? How did it end up being only you?"

"Well that is quite a long story…" Balthazar trailed off.

"Do you have a hot date you need to run off to?" She asked sarcastically as she sat on one of the red couches. Zara had been hoping to learn more about Balthazar's past. He had always been an interesting character in the show but now he was so much more and she wanted to know what his real story was.

"Fine." He conceded and walked over to sit next to her. "You know, you're really ruining my love life." He winked at her. "Am I going to have to deal with interruptions as usual?"

Zara smirked. She did have a tendency to interrupt when he was telling her something important. "I'll try to keep it to a minimum."

"Alright." Balthazar thought back. It had been a very different time from now. He had had everything: a purpose, a garrison, a love. All of that was taken away from him. He took a deep breath before starting into his story. "Before you, I had had many charges… 487 if my count is right."

"Did you have anyone famous? Anyone I would know?" Zara asked.

Interruption number one Balthazar thought humorously. "Ahm… Michelangelo- he was an arse. Beethoven. Marilyn Monroe- now she was an interesting character… I had many hunters and the like as well- although most were less well known. You probably know of Amelia Earhart, though. She was a hunter, but I didn't watch over her. Mishael did. The poor sods… that was a nasty aerial battle."

Balthazar started to get on a roll. "Anyway, I was fairly well known for keeping my charges safe and I hardly ever lost anyone. As always however, there are a few exceptions to the rule. Back in the early 1800's, I was watching over a particularly reckless hunter by the name of Rachel. It was going to be hard enough to protect her, but for some reason, my supervisor, Titus, decided he was in love with her. In those days, it wasn't unheard of. Being guardians and working so closely with humans makes it much more likely for that to happen, but it was still frowned upon. So Titus resisted falling and instead took to following me around to make sure I was doing my job right."

"Why couldn't he just switch assignments with you?" Zara asked.

Interruption number two. "Remember the guardian sigils?" Balthazar pointed to the circular marking on his wrist that corresponded with the one on Zara's back. Underneath that was another triangular symbol that Zara didn't recognize in the same style. "That circle is my guardian sigil. Once a person is marked, it cannot be transferred. He-"

"So everyone you've watched has had the same tattoo? I have a matching tattoo with Marilyn Monroe and Michelangelo?"

Number three. "No, most of them didn't even know I was there. They had it carved into their ribs."

"I see." Balthazar paused to see if she had any more questions, but she motioned to him. "Titus was micromanaging you…"

"Yes, well obviously that made my job ten times harder. He was constantly calling me up to heaven and berating me for letting her get into danger for one thing or another."

"She was a hunter. Danger is part of the job. What were you really supposed to do?"

Number four. "Exactly. It was during one of these meetings with him that I felt that Rachel was in danger. I got to her just in time to watch her get possessed by a very powerful demon. I tried everything, but there was nothing else I could do. I put her out of her misery and let her soul find peace. If I hadn't been with Titus, I could have gotten there in time to save her." Balthazar fell silent for a second- remembering everything from that day.

"That's terrible." Zara murmured.

"It was. I hadn't lost someone to a demon in nearly 200 years. And as if to add insult to injury, Titus placed all of the blame on me. He was so convinced that I lost his love on purpose just to spite him and so he sabotaged my work whenever possible. I lost ten people in the course of six years. Instead of being known for keeping my people safe, I was labeled as the cursed guardian- a mockery of the great order. Titus spread rumors that I had lost more than half of my charges and the garrison was just covering it up. He ruined my reputation with the host and made me a virtual pariah within my garrison. Even now, I am known as the worst of the guardians."

"What did you do?"

Five. "I killed him." Balthazar smirked with a vengeful glint in his eyes.

"Oh." It was times like these that Zara remembered that her sarcastic and sweet guardian angel was also a powerful celestial being capable of killing hundreds in a blink of an eye if he so wished.

The malice in his eyes quickly disappeared when he noticed his attitude was making her uncomfortable. He continued on with his story. "Of course, that didn't make it any easier with my garrison. The only angel who sided with me was Ari'el."

"The Winchester's guardian?"

Six… Why did he even bother counting the interruptions anymore? "Yes. She was upset with the management of heaven as well. The Winchester family should have had at least two if not three angels watching over them. Instead, it was only her. She was sick of her pleas for more support being ignored and she stopped caring altogether. We often joked that I would finish one more assignment and then we would both desert."

Something in the way Balthazar talked about her gave Zara the impression that it was more than just comrades in arms. There was memory and loss in his voice when he talked of her. "Were you in love with her?" Zara asked.

Balthazar looked away from her for a second. The pain of losing her had been blindingly painful and even years later the empty aching feeling still remained. Ari'el had been his everything. She was the only one who would listen to him and stayed with him after everyone else wrote him off as a failure. She was kind and funny and incredibly protective of the ones she cared about. "Yes." Balthazar whispered. He turned back to her but the sadness in his eyes didn't leave. "As much as angels are capable of love I guess. We even marked each other with our sigils so that we would know if the other was in danger." He motioned to the tirangular marking on his arm. "One day, something set Ari'el off. She made me promise that my current charge would be my last and then we would leave- for good. This time, she was serious. I never found out what made her get so anxious, but I think she heard rumors that the Archangels were jump starting the apocalypse. Of course, I agreed. That was right after I got your assignment."

"So I'm from here?"

"Well, yes and no. You were originally supposed to come here, but ever since Titus, I took to placing my charges in less accessible places if I got the choice. I became very good at 'dimension hopping' through the years. As soon as I saw your case and knew what you were- well I knew that here would be the most dangerous place to put you. I took you to a world with the least amount of magic and the supernatural as possible."

Balthazar paused and his face filled with shame and grief. "I was going to stay with you for your whole life- like we're supposed to… I really was, but Ari'el died. Because of the sigils, I could feel everything she was feeling. I could feel her grace flickering out and her wings burning to ash. I could feel it like a fire going through my very core, and then when it burned out, there was nothing but an empty void. I had experienced human deaths hundreds of times, but the feeling of losing her was like nothing else. After her, the rest of my garrison fell at the hands of the Archangels. I didn't feel like there was any purpose in life anymore. So I ran and hid like a coward. I left you there, and for that- I am extremely sorry. It's my fault you had the life that you did. It's my fault you stayed with Sean for so long, and I'm so… so sorry."

"Oh, Balthazar. That wasn't your fault. That's life. I should have left Sean the first time he hit me. It wasn't anyone's fault but my own." Zara assured him. She didn't blame him for anything. Who wouldn't check out of life for a while after all that?

Balthazar gave her a tight lipped smile. "I'm trying to make up for it now. I'll do right by you, Akele. I promise."

"Is this why you're being reckless and snooping around in Heaven? You said you had to find something. Is it for me?" Zara asked.

Balthazar tilted his head at her. "Was all this to get me to tell you what I'm doing?"

Zara smiled. "No, but it worked."

"If you must know, yes, it is for you." Balthazar added.

She bit her lip. "I don't want you to be putting yourself in danger like that just for me."

"Just one more time and then I'll stop. I promise." He assured her. It was all he needed anyway. He knew where it was. He knew how it was guarded. Now, it was time to grab it. He pulled her into a hug. "Thank you for asking. No one's cared enough to ask my side of things before."


End file.
